Thread by @WheatNOil

Deep in Ice District, Steve Yzerman sits in an empty room. Before him is a glass if red wine, poured from a bottle of No. 99 Merlot. On a paper plate beside it is a Bobby Nick’s burger.

Jammed in a small adjoining room, connected by a one mirror, sit the entire Oiler management.

Bob Nicholson enters the room.

Nicholson: Steve! Thank you so much for accepting an interview with us!

Nicholson gives a smile and a thumbs up to the men behind the one-way mirror, who all give him a thumbs up back.

Yzerman: Oh, I actually didn’t accept an interview just your offer for lunch. I was just going to fly in to Winnipeg to catch a playoff game but they dropped me off here because apparently Winnipeg doesn’t have an airport. I’ve got a horse and carriage to catch in a couple hours.

Nicholson: Well since you’re here, do you mind if I ask you some questions?

Yzerman: (getting up) I really don’t want to waste your time...

Lucic enters and stands in front of the only exit, menacingly.

Nicholson: Sorry Steve, Milan won’t let you leave. No Movement Clause.

Yzerman: You know, you could just bring the guys out from behind the mirror. (Waves) Hey Kevin, Craig, Duane... all of you.

Nicholson: You can see them?

Yzerman: Well yeah. So can you. You left the light on in the other room.

Muffled from other room: Damn it Craig I told you!

A few minutes later the door opens and the entire Oiler management shuffles in, taking seats at the table. Each of them bring a Bobby Nick’s burger with them and a glass of various red wines from the Wayne Gretzky estate.

Lowe: Hey Steve, funny running in to you here!

Yzerman: You sent a car for me. Lucic was driving.

MacT: Yeah, Milan, great value. So many intangibles.

Yzerman: You know that’s not what intangible means. You can actually assign value to a chauffeur.

Sutter: Drives with heart.

Lowe: And grit!

MacT: Love the grit!

Lucic: So, I’m happy to help out but I mostly just wanted to chat with Steve. I’m going back to my off-season training.

Nicholson: Stay there Milan! No movement clause!

Lucic: (leaving) I keep telling you that’s not what that means Bob!

Nicholson: So Steve, how would you fit in to Oiler culture?

Yzerman: Well that depends, what is Oiler culture?

Nicholson: Well... it’s... our culture.

Lowe: You know communication.

Nicholson: Yeah, good communicating.

Yzerman: With who?

Lowe: Us.

Nicholson: And the media.

Yzerman: Your culture is to communicate with you guys and the media?

Nicholson: And the fans.

Lowe: The tier 1 fans.

Nicholson: Right, until they renew. Then, honestly, you don’t need to prioritize them anymore. So really just us and the media.

Yzerman: Are you guys hiring a POHO or a GM?

Nicholson: Wow you ask a lot of questions. Is this how interviews go?

Yzerman: How many people have you interviewed?

Nicholson: Including you?

Yzerman: This isn’t an interview.

Nicholson: Including you. Two.

Yzerman: Just two? Who else have you interviewed?

Nicholson: I can’t answer...

Keith Gretzky: It was me! I got the other one! It was me!

Wayne: Be cool bro! Be cool!

Keith: (ahem) It was myself.

Yzerman: What kind of support are you offering? R & D? Analytics? Tracking? Scouting?

Nicholson: You’ve got access to every one of these eyeballs!

Everyone smiles and nods.

Yzerman: What if I want to bring my own people in?

Nicholson: Moar eyeballs!

Yzerman: Ok, but what if I want to replace these eyeballs with my own guys?

Nicholson: I don’t follow.

Yzerman: What if I want to fire these guys?

Nicholson: You’re going to do this by yourself?

Yzerman: I’d hire new people.

Nicholson: That wouldn’t fit our culture.

Yzerman: Listen guys, it’s great to see you all but honestly, I have to get going.

Nicholson: So when can you start.

Yzerman: Literally never. I’m not working here.

Nicholson: Wait, please, don’t make me interview anyone else.

Yzerman: This wasn’t an interview.

Yzerman leaves.

Nicholson: Well, Keith, the job is yours.

Keith: Actually... I kind of think I might apply to where ever Steve ends up.

Nicholson sighs and pours a glass of wine.

Nicholson: Fucking Tobias Rieder.

Everyone raises their glass: (unison) Fucking Tobias Rieder