Thread by @WhiskeyIsFine

soooo, now that there's been two soccer events on the same night in chattanooga and some of you are probably wondering what's up, it's time to gather 'round the ole twitter box to read an oral history of the chattanooga soccer warz from the old days to today, as told by Whiskey.

USL: "hey CFC. you guys are pretty cool and have a good thing going. y'all should turn professional and join our league."
CFC: "hey USL, yeah we'd like to turn professional but there are some options. send me some info, we'll take a look."
USL: *sends info*

CFC: "yeah turns out this is a pretty dumb business model. why do we have to pay $5M to some guy for the privilege of playing in this league?"
USL: "cause we're professional."
CFC: "nah, man that's pretty stupid."

USL: "okay you cheapskates what about our new d3 league? that's only 500k."
CFC: "yeah but we have to play four mls B sides a total of like 20 times a year. seems reeeeeal dumb."
USL: "but it's professional."
CFC: "yeah we're just gonna start our own league."

USL: "oh shit. a new league is gonna eat into that sweet, sweet expansion cash. better do something."
USL: *starts recruiting potential owners*
USL: *starts laying the groundwork in Chattanooga*
USL: *starts talking to some people IN Chattanooga if you know what I mean*

USL: *in discussions with 3 potential owners*
USL: *awards chattanooga market rights to bob martino*
USL: *initiates a coup d'etat*

USL: "Hey CFC, so this guy Bob bought the rights for USLd3 to Chattanooga. So sorry about NPSL Pro, but you better sell."
CFC: "nah, dude"
USL: "no but like really. if you don't sell then we're going to push you out of finley, destroy your club and kill independent soccer."

CFC: "No."
USL: "this is war."
RW: "Chattanooga is a great soccer market and they are ready for professional soccer."
Chattahooligans: "we only root for CFC and they're working on the professional thing."
RW: "PROOOOOOOFESHANAL"
NGS: "#StandwithChatta"
also NGS: "fuck you"

Hankinson: "man I've heard so many good things about this city and the soccer community. and how bout those chattahooligans? what great fans"
USL: "you're a fucking idiot."
CFC: "lol"
Chattahooligans: *realizing that a large bill of goods was sold*

Chattahooligans: "hey CFC, whatcha doing?"
CFC: "working our asses off. good things. you'll know soon."
Chattahooligans: *praying to soccer gods*
CFC: "promise, we're working"
Twitter: "if we say NPSL Pro over and over again it'll become true"
Haters: "THAT'S NOT PROFESSIONAL"

Twitter: "npsl pro, npsl pro, npsl pro, npsl pro, npsl pro..."
NPSL Pro: "wassup bitches we got the founders cup in fall 2019 and the real thing in 2020"
USSF, the fun police: "sorry you can't call yourself NPSL Pro. we'll sue."
NPSL Pro: "the real NPSL Pro is in our hearts."

Soccer Twitter: "hell yeah brother, NPSL Pro"
NPSL Pro: "we're gonna call ourselves something else so that USSF doesn't sue every single part of soccer in america. got better shit to do.
Soccer Twitter: "hell yeah brother, NPSL Pro."
USL: "PROOOOOOOOFESSSSSIONAL"

RW: "so season tickets are on sale. they cost 4x more than CFC games and you're at a high school where no fun is allowed."
Chattahooligans: *trying their best to ignore but laugh out loud too loud*
Chattanoogans: *obviously don't buy season tickets*
RW: "but we're professional"

also RW: *poaches CFCW, sewing discord in CFCA, tries to buy off CFC's charitable arm, also tries to poison well for OGA*
CFC: *fending off attacks left and right while trying to execute cool shit*
Chattahooligans: "yo this is not cool"
RW: "WHY ARE WE NOT GREETED AS LIBERATORS"

CFC: "we spent two years on supporter ownership so we have startup capital to go pro"
Chattanoogans, Americans, People of Earth: "ZOMG TAKE MY MONEY"
Mayor Burke: "Chattanooga FC is Chattanooga's team. Those other assholes can live in East Ridge."
Chattahooligans: "OMG WHAT"

RW: "BUT WE'RE PROFESSIONAL"
Chattahooligans: *trying to ignore still*
CFC: *continues existing*
Chattanoogans: *still not buying tickets*

USL: "HERE'S YOUR PROFESSIONAL SOCCER SCHEDULE, CHATTANOOGA"
RW: "PROFESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIONAL"
Chattanoogans: "lol nope"
Detroit City: "u up?"
CFC: "yeah, sup?"
DCFC: "wanna have some fun?"
CFC: "sure"
DCFC: "April 6?"
CFC: "gonna be a party in 'Nooga."

RW: "wait hang on why are you doing that?"
NGS: "fuck you"
CFC: *smiles*
USL PR: "they are trying to hurt us"
CFC: *continues existing*
RW: "WE ARE THE VICTIMS"
CFC: *brb gonna host a Guatemalan professional team*
USL: "can't be professional if they're not in MLS or USL, duh"

RW: *looks at presale numbers* "uh oh"
RW: "opening night fireworks"
Ticketing: "nope"
RW: "it's Boyd Buchanan family night tickets are now 75% off"
Ticketing: "do more of the thing where we give our product away for nothing"

RW: "PROFESSIONAL"
RW: *gives out tickets to every private school in the city*
RW: *gives out tickets to every apartment complex in the city*
RW: "DOLLAR BEER NIGHT"
Chattanoogans: "lol y'all can't have beer"
RW: "we can if we have a beer garden a half mile away"

Soccer Chatt Podcast: "LET'S DO SOME RACISM"
Chattahooligans: "maybe don't do that cause it's bad and it'll look bad for all of us"
Soccer Chatt Podcast: "sorry not sorry pink people"
Chattahooligans: "WTF"
Alphas: 3 of our 6 members were on the podcast but we're not bad

Chattahooligans: "just say racism is bad"
Alphas: "actually the bad people are the ones trying to divide us"
The Flock: "yooo Alphas you should apologize."
Alphas: "3 of our 6 members did nothing wrong"
The Flock: "Alphas/RW/USL maybe fix this?"

Alphas/RW/USL: *crickets*
The Flock: "yo that's messed up"
RW: "it's autism awareness night"
Chattanoogans: "are you stupid? it's also fireworks night"
RW: *internally, cause it's more family friendly* "fuck 'em"

The Flock: "yo can we show up at y'alls tailgate"
Chattahooligans: "all are welcome isn't a joke, of course" *goes and buys lawn flamingos, adds 50 people to the food count*
The Flock, Chattahooligans, NGS: *have a smashing awesome tailgate*

RW: *hires Sean Spicer for a crowd estimate*
RW: "3,500 people! we sold out our 5k seat stadium."
Conductor: "I literally counted every face in every photo and got to 1100."
USL: "you're wrong"
CFC: "We scanned every ticket that arrived and we're at 4,129."
USL: "wrong."

Media: "hmmm looks like this two teams thing might work"
USL: *furiously changing propaganda strategy*
CFC: *continues existing*
Alphas: "wait why did the flock go hang out with everyone else"
The Flock: "cause racism, duh"

Alphas: "but we're the victims"
NGS: "fuck you"
The Flock: *receipts*
Chattahooligans: *staying out of this one entirely*
Chattahooligans: *please god someone change the subject*

CFC: "hell yeah brother NPSL Pro"
DCFC: "hell yeah brother NPSL Pro"
NGS: "HELL YEAH BROTHER NPSL PRO"
Chattahooligans: "HELL YEAH BROTHER NPSL PRO"
NPSL Pro: "hell yeah brother"
The Flock: "Flock yeah, brother"

/fin