Thread by @personunsure

FAMILY IS FOR FUCK-UPS

a twitter thread

Relationships come and go. You left for college and never went back. My favorite coworker got a better job in Chicago and we fell out of touch. We thought these relationships were ironclad, but our bond was borne of proximity, and it faded with the sands of time

Almost all of our relationships are this way. No matter how good or how deep, the right combination of distance or hurt can make them fade away into mere memories

Family is different. Our relationship doesn’t depend on if we like each other. It doesn’t matter if we see each other at school.

We share DNA. We’re bonded whether we like it or not

We do things to our families that would end any friendship. We slight, slander, and slap. We badmouth, bitch, and bore. And yet, we still know we’re going to see each other at the next family birthday party. That core of our bond can never be broken

This unbreakable bond is the best climate for taking risks. It’s the best place to grow and change. You can reinvent yourself and your family is still your family, even if your emo phase really was just a phase

Family is supposed to be the place where mistakes and failures are welcomed with open arms and encouraging smiles, because no matter how bad it gets, your bond isn’t broken. It’s supposed to be the group of people that have your back no matter what you try or how bad it gets

But we all know that isn’t true. We’ve all been warned not to do things because it would bring shame on the family. We’ve all been told “no daughter of mine would speak like that.” We’ve all let bitterness grow in our hearts to a point where we say we’ll never speak again

I’m no stranger to family difficulty, but I’m struck by our impenetrable bond. I can’t get over the fact that no matter how hurt I am, how poorly I’m treated, or how poorly I treat them, the bedrock of our relationship doesn’t shift one inch

And so we have a responsibility to respect these magical relationships.

Take risks, try new things, trust the foundation of these relationships even when it feels like it might crumble.

Fill ourselves with mercy for the family who hurt us every day. They’re taking risks too.

This is absolutely not a pass to get away with bad behavior. Family has easy access to hurt you more than anyone else. It’s a recognition that, even in the best circumstances, our family members will hurt us and that shared DNA is a blueprint for restoration

In fact, it’s a plea for extra kindness and forgiveness. If our bond can’t be broken, we should be willing to put in extra work to keep it healthy

I know there are times and places where families hurt one another so badly that things truly can’t be put back together, and that’s terrible. There’s no denying that it happens and it’s awful. Nothing I’m saying will fix it

But for me, this idea does a few big things:

It reminds me to be conscious of how bitter I want to let myself be. Maybe I can offer extra forgiveness because we’re still family

It gives me a blueprint for how to talk to my kids about their own identities and futures and ensure that they always feel secure in our bond, no matter what life choices they make

It teaches me to say sorry and mean it when I screw up, precisely because these people are stuck with me through those things, and I want being stuck with me to be as good as possible

It softens the way I think about myself. Because ultimately, I’m the one I can’t escape from. And I owe myself just as much forgiveness and mercy as I owe any other family memeber

Family is for fuck-ups

It’s not for the perfect and pretty

It’s for the honest and messy

It’s for the humble and hurting

It’s for the risk takers and the ones who will be there no matter what the outcome