Thread by @FoldableHuman

So, I've had this movie sitting here for a while, The Time Machine (I Found At A Yardsale), that was sent to me with the instructions "don't look this movie up, just watch it"

Well, these shots were back-to-back and I'm about 30 seconds in once you cut off the productions cards and two minutes of opening credits, so that's a portentious sign

It appears this is the titular yardsale.

Ooh nooooooooooooooooo

We hold on this frame for several lines of dialogue, the other participant (who is presumably the protagonist) out of frame the whole time, and then cover an edit with this insert of... a frooooooog?

There is an excruciatingly long wide shot of the entire process of pouring a glass of orange juice. This movie only 84 minutes. A measurable % is spent on this shot of orange juice.

This is amazing

Okay, so, the frog is the detail on the top of the box, which is the time machine, and the time machine has... buttons? Or something? In it? But while we see the protagonist (I still don't know his name) using the machine it's always just off frame.

Amazing

He's gone 10,000 years into the future, found himself in a forest, and I'm pretty sure he's going to walk from one side to the other in real time.

There have been more cuts showing off these same six people picking berries than there have been in the rest of the movie to date

I guess the audio from outside was unusable so they re-shot all the exterior dialogue on a green screen (and the audio is still barely legible)

"When are we?"
"I dunno, thousands of years in the future?"
"Since I'm not a slave anymore I'm not going to look like one. I'll be right back"
<15 seconds static shot of a tree>
"I hid this just in case I got free"

Important info here:
• He works for an online publication
• He's using his vacation time... to use his time machine...
• Every year he gets three weeks off
• She gets one day off a week (as a slave)
• He gets two days off a week plus the three weeks

He just now realized that because he has a time machine he can just go back to shortly after he left and thus "vacation time" is meaningless and functionally infinite

I still don't know his name.

This is a shot of him sitting in the pilot seat of a space ship

He is now stealing a space ship.

<absolute deadpan>
"yikes this thing is fast even at sub-light speed"

Okay, so the space ship gave them a quest to deliver vital supplies to the resistance fighters on some other planet, and now they're just doing a pleasure cruise of the galaxy. Stopping at the Pool planet, now the Forest planet.

You know what, after a couple weeks in Blender, animals are really hard, good work on these dinosaurs

AND HE JUST PULLS OUT A GUN!?!

Alright, his name's Robert and her's is Sheba!

and we're gonna rock it!

Now there's a belly dancer

Still going.

And done.

Oh, wait, they're not delivering supplies, they're getting instructions on delivering supplies, and they're really papering over the fact that they stole this dude's friend's ship

Pretty sure I just heard the director saying "action" at the head of a shot?

Art

"I wish I knew what was going on here, tens of thousands of years from my own time, thousands of years from yours"

Paraphrasing this conversation:
okay, we delivered the supplies, what now?
I dunno, let's go faff around a bunch. Also I found some stolen diamonds.

I am extremely here for every minute long discussion of a sandwich, or excruciatingly drawn out process of doing up or taking off a seat belt.

Alright we landed on the ice planet and picked up the package for Mr. Agassy, time to talk back.

<extreme deadpan>
oh my god no

Well, they're going to freeze to death in two hours, I wonder how long before they remember they have a time machine and can just go back to before their ship got blown up. In the mean time better sit down and die!

fa;lkjf ;bshgadf flkahjgf fll jalk jdd oh my god oh my god oh my god I'm choke

"oh yeah, the time machine is in my bag, we're going to be okay"
<cut to>

So they went back to his time, they're getting married, and Sheba is meeting his mom and sister.
"She works at a produce company"

They brought the space ship back in time and then just found a treasure map in the ship and there's still ten minutes left so I guess treasure hunt?!

They're just walking right to left across a bunch of stock photos of Red Rocks.

This walk is going to take the entire rest of the movie's runtime, isn't it?

There's so many of these small bags of diamonds just off screen!

And then they go sit on the beach and debate when they're going to go help The Resistance (in the far far future, on another planet)

Best use of 84 minutes ever

The cast list says "in order of appearance" and is then not in order of appearance.

I'm sure RED is going to jump right on adding this to their "shot on RED" sizzle reel.

There's outtakes on YouTube and I'm choking again because the very first one is that shot of the dude against the garage door and it's take 35

There's only three setups in the garage sale scene and now they're at take 71?!

Also I refuse to believe that slate was doing anything functional. This is like when I showed up on BloodMania and they were slapping two cafeteria trays together despite the fact that the sound recordists didn't have a sound recorder. Or microphone. Just a boom pole.