Thread by @VisionPoet

#TrashterpieceTheater Episode 10
The Greedy Fxckboys
aka When Cougars Attack

It’s crazy how some can have it all, more than they’ve asked for… more than they’ve ever desired… yet still want more. The wild fxckboy speaks this language fluently
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The year was Rocawear track jackets and Girbaud jeans (they were mad comfortable). The wild fxckboy ranged freely and unchecked on those North Philly plains. I was a proud member of the Youcantellmeshit Tribe located on 22nd & Lippincott
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Every weekend we use to gather on the corner to make collective moves. We were an assortment of fxckboys. Shooters, hustlers, degree holders, etc. All of us believing we were way less basic than we actually were.
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This one particular night, we all gathered on the corner, prolly smelling like Joop, Issey Miyake and over anxiousness. We were waiting for Bruce who was the plug for a hotel lingerie party that night.
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We were on the corner, ON TIME, hands rubbing, waiting for Bruce. He finally pulled up, late af. He let’s us know the party is still on, but he’s waiting for his friend Smitty to call with the details.
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So we’re on the block looking like a child on Christmas Eve. Minutes turn into an hour, and no call back from Smitty. Hour turns into a couple hours. No Smitty. After a while, Bruce tried to call and it went straight to voicemail
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12 nxggas on the corner smlling like a bouquet of Bloomingdales cologne samples with no scattered ass in lingerie to see.
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Going in the house wasn’t an option because not enough ppl saw me in my outfit. Fxck that! It was past midnight and the old faithful option was available!
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The Stinger was the neighborhood club. Three floors of hoodtastic fun. It was ratchet outside, but beautiful on the inside. It was a metaphor for us all (but also ratchet on the inside). And that’s where we went.
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Bruce was hell bent on swimming in a sea of Victoria’s Secret lace. I dragged him with us anyway. We get to the door, and the Bouncer had a look of relief when he saw us. “Glad yall showed up. Aint shit but women in there.”
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We rushed in the door w/ reckless abandon. The bouncer was right. We entered and it was nothing, and I mean NOTHING but women. We spread out and walk around like roosters in a hen house. Darnell & Ron sit with six women. The rest, dancefloor.
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Twas glorious. Your aunties were draped all over us. Dropping down to get their eagle on. Women were buying US drinks. It was like Zeus was raining down blessing from Mt. Thotniggalympus. Then it happened.
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Bruce pulled me to the side, “Smitty called back. Said the lingerie party is in an airport hotel suite. He said there are no men there! Said the women are naked, horny, and waiting on US!”
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We peeled the rest of the squad away from the women they were with to let them know the update. We were torn. Stay in heaven? Or go to lingerie heaven? The smart move as to stay put. Where we were treated like Kings. Why risk leaving?
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So 25 minutes later we’re outside the airport hotel.
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We get out the cars hype, Feel blessed. We turn to Bruce and ask him what room the party was in. “Oh, Um. He aint tell me. Lemme call him.”
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Of course Smitty doesn’t answer. We were pissed but committed to seeing lace on ass. “Yo, split up. Everyone go in a different direction and listen to doors for music. Meet back here in five.”
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12 thug ass*, 20 something year old, North Philly nxggas, spread out, listening to doors, not at all looking creepy.

*Really 11, because I wasnt a thug. I was thug adjacent though!
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Five mins pass. We link back up. Bruce was missing though. “That nxgga found the party and didn’t come back and tell us!” We’re pissed and walk in the direction he went.
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11 thug ass nxggas, and one thug adjacent ass nxgga walk to the end of the corridor and hear music. We listen. Hear women. Knock. It opens. It’s dark. We walk in. I look left. See Bruce. Drinking Bacardi Limon & looking distraught.
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Took a min for my eyes to adjust from coming in the dark room. Scan the room. Bruce looks defeated. Eyes adjust fully to see reality. 12*, 20 something year old thug nxggas were trapped in a room with 20, 40something year old horny women.
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These were GROWN grown women. Old enough to be our mamas. They were bigger than most of us. Stronger than most of us. They were in lingerie, and drunk af. There was food everywhere, but we were on the menu
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Thug nxggas turned into shivering bitches real quick. The cougars started circling. Picking who they wanted. Rob and Wayne stood back to back like Forrest and Bubba in the jungle. Darnell stood against the wall so no one could sneak up.
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I turned to leave, but there was two women at the door guarding it. Two women rush me. The woman behind me reached around unbuckled my belt. The woman in front, lifted my shirt. Two more came and assisted.
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Darnell is the closest to me. He starts saying, “Yo, Chill. CHILL. Getcha big ass oldhead hands off me!” Ron on the other hand is with the shxts. He sits down and welcomes the lovin. Two sit next to him and start kissing him all over
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Two more women go behind the couch and plop their boobs on his head. A 5th elder, the most brazen, walks up, drops to her knees, unzips him, and
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Joe joined Bruce in the kitchen. Guess they figured they may as well drink up their shits if it’s going down. Rob and Wayne, the smallest of the squad were getting tossed around like ragdolls.
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Two of the older women were following Darnell as he’s running around the room like Sonic. I was holding my pants up with one hand and fighting them off with the other while trying to find a way to get us out of this mess.
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It hit me. “Chill. Chill. Let us go to the car real fast so we can smoke a couple Ls. We’ll be right back!” One of the women guarding door responded, “Nah nxgga. That’s what the last men said and they never came back!”
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I was about to give up in that moment but still had some fight left in me. “Nah, for real. We gon smoke, come back and beat it up!” Wayne, who sold weed, pulled out some dimes from his pocket to show them.
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“Yall better come right the fxck back too!” We fixed our clothes, Collected ourselves, and walked to the door. I was in my undershirt at this point and they kept my other shirt as collateral. The 2 beefeaters at the door moved. We filed out.
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Bruce and Joe kept bottles in hand. We all yelled for Ron to come on, but he flagged us off. “Ron, come the fuck on yo!” Ron was like, “FXCK…. YOU!!!”
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The crafty cougars walked us to the door. I started talkin shit like, “We coming right back to give you this daddy dick!” I didnt even know wtf that meant, but they were older and I thought it was some shit they wanted to hear.
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We all get outside the door. Walk a few feet down the corridor, ooked at each other and all took off running. I was feeling safe. Relieved. Until Wayne started yelling, “Yo, they chasing us. They chasing us!”
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I turn, and sure as shit, they’re chasing us. Barefoot and in lingerie, chasing us. We all hit another gear! They didn’t chase us far though because they were older and prolly had bad knees and hips and shit.
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We get to the parking lot, still running. Nxggas sliding over car hoods like the Dukes of Hazzard. We pile in the cars. Bruce and Darnell were unusually silent. I tried to break the silence only for Darnell to say, “Shut the fxck up P!”
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We get back to the block. No one was talking. Darnell broke silence, “No one ever tell anyone about this. No one ever speak on this. EVER!” One by one, we got in our cars and went home.
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A few years later, we were on the block reminiscing. I started in like. “Remember that time Smitty…” They all turned in unison like…
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I shut the fxck up.
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Thanks for reading Trashterpiece Theater. Another story on Monday. If you don't wanna wait, all of the previous stories are archived in my highlights on Instagram, @ visionpoet