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It seems there are a lot of us with the "my mother read what I wrote about her in my diary and started acting worse" story. I'm sorry for all of us.
A lot of us black girls especially have difficult relationships with our mothers for various reasons.
And as we grow older, we are often reticent to talk about the faults in our mothers because in the black culture that is just something you don't do. Mother are to be revered, respected, uplifted etc.
But healing the old wounds can only happen when we openly admit their faults, where they went wrong and how that impacted us both as children and adults.
As I said last night, I have been unpacking a lot of my "mommy issues" in therapy. I feel like a weight gets lifted each time.
My mother was far from perfect. She was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. A lot of that stems from the abuse she experienced in her own childhood/youth, but that does not excuse it.
I am unable to have a conversation with her about it because she becomes defensive and shuts down. That's OK. My therapist continues to help me process and unpack.
She has her own demons she is battling with, and I recognize that. I also recognize that it is not my job to help her carry, cope with or unpack that.
We have been tried to shy away from speaking the truth about our mothers for fear that it will tarnish them in the eyes of others. That's honestly not our burden to bear either.
But we also don't have to lie about or conceal their faults to the detriment of our own healing. Speaking up and acknowledging it is part of the process.
My siblings and I have been having a lot of conversations about the faults in both of our parents, especially since our father died last summer. It's OK to admit they were bad parents. They fucking were.
This is why when people post stuff like "you only get one mama" and shit like that to guilt others about how they feel or deal with that parent, I get incensed.
interpersonal relationships are just that—interpersonal. Outsiders cannot dictate them for you, especially when they are operating from their own view and experience and not yours. Ignore that shit
yes, you only get one mama, but you are not obligated to withstand abuse, emotional manipulation or anything like that simply because she gave birth to you.
You are not required to maintain toxic relationships. you are not required to bear the burden of someone else's shame. Always remember that.
Anyway. That's just my word on that today. I want you all to know that you are important. Your feelings are valid and should not be pushed aside out of some sense of obligation. That's not how any of this works. Let's move away from that. Peace.
