Thread by @MikeStuchbery_

I tweeted an article just before about why many people feel like killing themselves - 'stopping the pain'.

I wanted to say something about how debilitating depression & anxiety can be, and hopefully offer a little hope for anyone struggling. /1

(CW: Depression/Suicide)

Something those lucky enough not to have experienced prolonged bouts depression or anxiety sometimes can't grasp is the immense toll that it can have on the body.

It's not until you're in the midst of an episode that you realise how much time we spend doing 'maintenance'. /2

I'm not talking about a simple matter of turning up to work unkempt, although that is certainly something that can happen.

I'm talking about the intricate relationship between eating, sleeping, exercise - all the stuff keeping us upright. /3

There's a scientific term known as a 'cascade failure', particularly when talking about closed networks of some type.

A 'cascading failure' is when the failure of one node or process sets in motion the failure of subsequent nodes or processes - triggering a rapid collapse. /4

When one suffers a severe bout of anxiety or depression, the preoccupation with our circumstances - real or imagined - can result in us missing out on food, sleep, human contact - the things that keep us on an even keel.

Miss enough, and the 'cascade failure' begins. /5

An overwhelming desire to sleep, or hide from the world can make us skip meals, stop bathing. Not eating can make us physically ill. Not bathing reinforces our horrible self-image.

Problems exacerbate other problems, cause new problems. /6

Thing is, we're all different. We have different upbringings, different ways of looking at the world, different biologies (on some level).

There isn't a 'one size fits all' way of understanding where our 'red lines' are, before things start to cascade. /7

Sometimes, it's not just that people feel so depressed or anxious that they want to take their own lives, it's because they're in the middle of a situation where *everything* that regulates how they function is in freefall.

The mind has tremendous power over the body. /8

The sheer exhaustion that cames with severe depression and anxiety can also severely impair cognitive function, making it virtually impossible to 'think' your way out of it - a vicious cycle.

When I'm at my worst, there is a thick 'fog' that pretty much has me 'zombified'. /9

When I've wanted to kill myself, when I've was grasping on to a seat at a train station for dear life, it's not because I was sad or scared.

It's because I was so very tired and sick, without the ability to rationalize that I could emerge from it. /10

What broke the cycle for me, and what is really saving my bacon at the moment wasn't some magic course of SSRIs, or an innovative therapy.

It was practice. Lots and lots of practice.

Like learning a language or an instrument. /11

First, I had to find a therapy and medication that worked for me.

Then I needed to start learning how to look after myself. Checking my levels. Again and again.

The hardest part? Eating, sleeping or forcing human contact even when the idea horrified me. /12

I'll use a gaming metaphor, since that plays well here.

It was like playing 'Dark Souls'. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's criminally punishing. If you die, it could undo HOURS of gameplay.

Consequently, you have to be prepared - ridiculously so. /13

If you're going to avoid the 'YOU DIED' screen, you need to know the layout of areas, where every enemy is, you need to make sure you have the right weapons and and armour...

...and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you need to have attack patterns memorised, without thinking! /14

My wife, @PretzelEmpress, just stopped me, put her hand on my shoulder and said...

"You're a lot better at having actual depression than at Dark Souls."

OOF. /15

Just like in 'Dark Souls', I needed to develop the ability to eat, sleep at regular times and do basic maintenance without thinking, without debating whether I deserved it, or questioning the point.

I developed a sort of mental 'mucle memory' that kept me maintaining myself. /16

To be perfectly honest, with the stuff I've gone through the past three months (DM if you're unaware), this 'automatic' looking after myself, no questions asked, has saved my life.

It was very hard, but it's been a tremendous ability to develop. /17

Now, no two people are the same and we all respond to different treatments,but practicing basic 'life maintenance' - getting enough sleep, food, sun - is something we can all try.

It's okay to slip up. Just start again. That's literally the first lesson. /18

I hope that gave hope to anyone out there struggling, and perhaps explained to some why depression and anxiety is more than just strong emotion.

There are ways out of the sickness, and paths forward. You are worth it. /FIN

Always happy to talk, if you need an ear. DMs always open.