Thread by @vandroidhelsing

bored at work so LISTEN UP, FUCKBUTTS, you ever wonder WHY you can't LEGALLY MARRY CLAMS in the STATE OF MAINE? WELL STRAP IN [1/192]

wait hold on a second I need to calm down by scrolling through Artstor looking at erotic woodcuts of sea bishops [2/192]

am hearing reports that this is not how people typically calm down [3/192]

you ever look at a sea bishop? look at a sea bishop [4/192]

my heart rate is returning to normal [5/192]

where was I
oh right
clams and Maine [6/192]

so a lot of you don't know this but Maine was founded by a specific Puritan sect who believed that NO WAIT I'VE GOT THE CLAM SHAKES AGAIN HOLD ON [7/192]

you ever see that one woodcut of the sea bishop and the sea actress? breathtaking work. the detail is so loving. rumor has it it's based on one of Leonardo da Vinci's lost DeviantArt accounts, but that sounds fake to me, because he notoriously only ever used Behance [8/192]

actually the sea bishop in that woodcut strongly resembles Raphael, I think Vasari has a very convincing thesis about that somewhere [9/192]

so okay the thing with clams [10/192]

based on responses I have realized everyone knows about the anti-Spisulan Puritans of Maine, so I don't think I need to go into that. US education may be awful but at least that's in all the elementary history books [11/192]

so anyway flash forward 100 years to 1789 [12/192]

no wait rewind a year to 1788 [13/192]

technically Maine was still part of Massachusetts at this point, and Massachusetts has always taken a lenient view on human/mollusc pairing, which like, okay, you do you [14/192]

so on February 6, 1788, Massachusetts fucking RATIFIES the UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION and I don't have to tell you how that went [15/192]

oh my god the clam shakes again oh my god let me slam some Madeira real fast [16/192]

anyway [17/192]

so if you've ever read the United States Constitution, you'd see that mollusc-fucking is explicitly protected under the Ninth Amendment (the so-called "Franklin Clause"). Madison opposed this, because that's how Madison does, but it went through anyway [18/192]

wait fuck more sea bishops. need more sea bishops to get me through this [19/192]

thank god for Artstor, amirite [20/192]

anyway so Massachusetts is all "sure we'll do this whole Constitution thing, we like clams" and meanwhile up in The Part Soon To Be Known As Maine the Anti-Spisulans are shaking their heads and sharpening their torches and lighting their pitchforks [21/192]

at the same time, Boston is going through the Oyster Riots of 1788. (Fun fact, Dolley Madison was the original Oyster Queen, but took on human form to marry a mortal). And Maine sees the Oyster Riots and goes "hm let's" [22/192]

everyone take a Madeira break [23/192]

fast-forward to the year we originally meant to go to, i.e. 1789 [24/192]

so in 1789 the Anti-Spisulans starch up their bonnets, polish their sensible boots, and send a strongly worded letter to Boston. in one of the great "what-ifs" of history, it gets lost in the mail [25/192]

this is the era before read receipts, so they kind of sit around for a while waiting for a response. Beau Brummell goes and invents modern masculinity in the meantime. that's a whole thing. I bet Beau Brummell never married a clam. [26/192]

after a while they figure out the letter was lost. Now this is the rough part. The squeamish among you may want to look away [27/192]

the Anti-Spisulans go and WRITE ANOTHER GODDAMN LETTER [28/192]

everyone still here? I'm sorry. sometimes history is brutal [29/192]

let's all take a sea bishop break [30/192]

get People Magazine on the phone, I got your sexiest men of 1604 right here [31/192]

so the Second Anti-Spisulan Letter finally gets to Boston, and lawmakers there open it and go "seriously?" [32/192]

see at this time Boston was known as the Gomorrah of New England because fully 20% of the population was married to either a mollusc or a crustacean [33/192]

you can imagine that Bostonians weren't wild about some dudes up in Maine going "hey stop it" [34/192]

incidentally, the term "Boston marriage" does not derive from this whole shenanigan [35/192]

and make no mistake, it was not only a shenanigan, it is The Original Shenanigan [36/192]

so while all this is happening, Jamington Fredericksworth of Boston decides to move to Maine for his health [37/192]

Fredericksworth is so Bostonian he doesn't even know the letter R exists [38/192]

and he's a fine upstanding lad and he's engaged to a very nice clam down on Dorchester Avenue [39/192]

anyway he parts, promising to write to her, and she to him. how sweet [40/192]

goddammit this part is so rough, I'm sorry, I need some tea [41/192]

okay I'm back [42/192]

so Fredericksworth gets to Maine, specifically the part with the sea air, and falls in with the family of William King [43/192]

oh wait let me place this in the right year for you. so remember how it's Olden Times? [44/192]

mail was slow. as. balls back then. So the letter from the Anti-Spisulans didn't get to Boston until 1801, and the letter from Boston to the Anti-Spisulans (reading, approximately, "what the literal heck, dudes") doesn't get to them until 1815 [45/192]

another thing that's slow. as. balls? getting anywhere! so Jamington Fredericksworth gets to Maine around the same time as the Boston Letter [46/192]

so that's where we are. 1815. the war of 1812 is almost over (the Treaty of Ghent didn't actually reach Britain until 1901. they put it on a Royal Mail generation ship). [47/192]

and now Fredericksworth is in Maine with the sea air and whatever else Maine boasts, plus whatever it doesn't boast [48/192]

he meets William King's daughters, whom he at first mistakes for the Coast Guard, before realizing they're actually a bevy of beautiful maidens [49/192]

then he falls in love with the youngest one [50/192]

sorry this part is…hard for me [51/192]

I just [52/192]

I just get so [53/192]

sorry I [54/192]

I just think of that poor clam back in Boston [55/192]

men have always been trash [56/192]

that's the real lesson here [57/192]

I need more Madeira [58/192]

ALL SEA BISHOP WOODCUTS ARE EROTIC YOU COMPLETE PLEBEIANS [59/192]

HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THEIR THIGHS [60/192]

some of you have "pointed out" that sea bishops ""aren't"" """""real""""" and to that I say how do you explain mermaids [61/192]

look, this is history, if you don't believe me, Wikipedia is right there, and so is Artstor [62/192]

you made me lose my place, you modern-day Anti-Spisulans [63/192]

to recap:
the US: *exists*
the Anti-Spisulans: "stop marrying clams"
the US: fuck off, you bunch of Georges the Third, here's a John Hancock for you 🖕
Jamington Fredericksworth: *is engaged to a clam but in Maine for his health*
[64/192]

ANYWAY Fredericksworth is in love with William King's youngest daughter, Darla [65/192]

the interesting thing about Darla is that she was an anti-Stratfordian and in fact popularized this notion in the United States [66/192]

anti-Stratfordians, of course, believe that someone other than William Shakespeare wrote the plays of Shakespeare. They fall into three main camps:
-Elizabeth I wrote the plays
-the Earl of Oxford wrote the plays
-an anaphasic life form wrote the plays
[67/192]

Darla was the main formulator and promulgator of the anaphasic theory, but she conceded that the Oxfordians might have a point [68/192]

the argument continues to this day, but thankfully, we now recognize Anti-Stratfordianism for what it is [69/192]

obviously I needn't go into that part [70/192]

Darla also invented the satin stitch (which we mustn't hold against her) and the music of Debussy (which we must) [71/192]

and what about the clam back in Boston? [72/192]

she was a very lovely young clam, accomplished, an excellent dancer, and a pen pal of Eliza Hamilton's [73/192]

If you're keeping score, that is now 40 tweets with a subliminal activation code. Your mission is clear. Godspeed [74/192]

Fredericksworth spends the summer falling in love with Darla [75/192]

Darla, obviously, falls in love with him too [76/192]

keep in mind that human/clam marriage is still legal in the state of Massachusetts, which still includes Maine, but not for much longer [77/192]

now we all know what happens when young people fall in love [78/192]

well do I remember the first blushes, the faint stirrings, the thrill of that first ritual death [79/192]

I think in my case it was…hm. either Patricia or Jason [80/192]

neither of them clams [81/192]

the thing about falling in love with a human versus falling in love with a clam, well, I'm sure we're all familiar with the Beatles' discography. needn't waste time on that [82/192]

now comes another rough bit. as anyone from Maine knows, William King and his family were DEVOUT Anti-Spisulans [83/192]

even their church was totally free of anything that could be construed as an image of a clam [84/192]

god even the women's bonnets were carefully shaped so as not to resemble clamshells and thereby Arouse Shameful Lusts™️ [85/192]

now obviously Anti-Stratfordians are immune to the charms of a beautiful clam but not everyone is [86/192]

all key positions in the territory of Maine were occupied by Anti-Spisulans [87/192]

there was also a growing pro-Nephropid movement but I think we can ignore that for now since it wouldn't be relevant until World War 1 [88/192]

anyway young love or whatever [89/192]

if you've never been in love, let me explain it to you with some analogies [90/192]

-first love is a little like when you make spaghetti for a pregnant person but you overcook the onions but the sauce is edible anyway & you eat it because you're proud of it but then the pregnant person is like "can you make it again the same way" and you can't [91/192]

-first love is like when your sisters bring home a weasel and you're like "a weasel??" ad they're like "a weasel!" and you're like "okay" and then someone writes a children's book about you that gets your name wrong but the weasel is depicted accurately [92/192]

-first love is like when something catches on fire that isn't supposed to be on fire (like a legal notice, or a house) and then instead of putting it out you watch it burn and enjoy the heat and light and then suddenly there's just an absolute assload of paperwork [93/192]

-first love is like being an Anti-Stratfordian and finding a letter written in Shakespeare's own hand that says "I shall plagiarize the Earl of Oxford, for am I not God's own bastard?" [94/192]

so that's what first love is like, give or take a box of doughnuts [95/192]

SECOND love, on the other hand, is very different, but you can usually tell it's coming because someone will say "my GOD you look TIRED". a good doctor can catch it in time, though [96/192]

THIRD love is, according to most reputable sources, only for experts [97/192]

now the tragic thing is that Jamington and Darla were each other's second love, and Maine didn't have any doctors :( [98/192]

been a while since I've gazed adoringly at the calves of a sea bishop. everyone take a second and do that [99/192]

absolute boy [100/192]

as with so much else in life, this whole thing could have been avoided if Mainers had just been down for some hot human on fish action [101/192]

like did they not see Guillermo del Toro's documentary [102/192]

so now Jamington and Darla are in the feverish throes of second love and doing all the stuff you normally do during courtship: gamboling and/or frolicking, spending a humid afternoon in the parlor, visiting the Stone Circle [103/192]

and William King is happy because the Fredericksworthseses are what you call a Good Family, which means they have money they're allowed to talk about and none of them ever married a papist, not even a little [104/192]

then the letter arrives [105/192]

no the other one [106/192]

yeah that one [107/192]

it's still soggy from the pen of Jamington's clam fiancée [108/192]

she says she's carrying his child [109/192]

Darla is pretty open-minded for an Anti-Stratfordian, so she takes a day, one wall, and a full set of china to process this, but then she's good, she's fine, she's ready for whatever happens [110/192]

HOWEVER, remember how Maine is controlled by Anti-Spisulans? [111/192]

and how William King is, one might say, the king of the Anti-Spisulans? [112/192]

i mean you could say that but it would be wordplay and that's forbidden by a Security Council resolution so you shouldn't. you know how the UN gets [113/192]

William King sees his chance [114/192]

I think daughters are never of such worth to a father as they are when they are his Cause [115/192]

the year is now approximately 1818. it would be exactly 1818 but the Julian calendar is still hanging around fucking things up, so don't take anyone's word for what year it is. the real chronology is the heart's [116/192]

the Colonies used to measure years in cups of tea but during the revolution they switched to coffee. minutes only came much later, and you can take that fact to the bank [117/192]

now where, as we are always asking ourselves, is Benjamin Franklin? alas, he died [118/192]

however, he probably couldn't have done anything about it. the gears in the mill of state turn slowly but inexorably and we are but grist for it [119/192]

also if you're wondering why the president hadn't stepped in by now, this is around the same time that Canada—well, let's not bring up the past [120/192]

so at the same time that the president is dealing with the threat posed by the syrupites, William King and his supporters are rallying around a cause [121/192]

and that cause is Darla, whose heart is allegedly broken [122/192]

was her heart actually broken? history is silent on the matter. normally you can't get it to shut up. lock it in a room overnight, check back in the morning, history is still jabbering to itself. not here. not about a woman's heart [123/192]

whatever you might have to say about Anti-Stratfordians in general, their unique position makes them tough, resilient, and used to disappointment [124/192]

woof, getting the clam shakes again. I'm out of Madeira. Let's see what's in the cupboard [125/192]

ugh [126/192]

ew [127/192

how long has that been there [128/192]

quick question for food twitter, how long past its expiration date can you drink clam juice [129/192]

you know what, it's fine, I'll mix it with vodka to kill the germs [130/192]

at home we called this Granny's Screwdriver but she always juiced the clams fresh. bare-handed. a powerful sight [131/192]

okay so Darla and Jamington and the Dorchester Clam [132/192]

Jamington, as men are able to do, flits off to Boston to marry a clam [133/192]

Their wedding is very lovely. The bride wears a Valenciennes veil and her dress is so carefully structured that you can't even see all the larvae [134/192]

Darla, meanwhile, resumes reading volumes of Shakespeare and snorting "as if!" after every line [135/192]

William King goes "you know what sucks? sinful men from Boston being allowed to abandon good girls for bad clams", like that's his whole platform [136/192]

And all the Anti-Spisulans around go YUP YUP YUP THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH MASSACHUSETTS IS MEN MARRYING CLAMS [137/192]

and then William King is like "we should form our own state" and his buddies are like "exactly, just what we were gonna say" [138/192]

so they write a state constitution [139/192]

and the constitution is fine, a fresh and sexy document, except [140/192]

the proposed Maine constitution has two big articles: [141/192]

One:
-nobody in the state of Maine is allowed to eat soup [142/192]

Two:
-nobody in the state of Maine is allowed to marry a clam [143/192]

now this is obviously a classic tactic where the People Who Decide will fixate on the more unreasonable thing and ignore the one you really want to put through [144/193]

so guess what happens then [145/192]

It’s a close vote, but remember how Anti-Spisulans control the local government? They keep the soup and outlaw clam weddings [146/192]

Obviously the Massachusetts state government won’t stand for this. By which I mean they just go “kbye” and let William King form an entire new state around the absence of clam-fucking [147/192]

Oh I forgot to mention that the new Mrs. Fredericksworth had a bouquet of orange blossoms [148/192]

Then as now, orange blossoms were a beautiful symbol of being able to afford orange blossoms [149/192]

Now obviously something so clearly tailored to the views of one sect goes against the US Constitution’s separation of church and state [150/192]

So off it goes to the Supreme Court, where all of the justices are married to relatives of Dolley Madison (and therefore technically half sisters on the half shell) and everyone expects it to be struck down [151/192]

Meanwhile other stuff is happening in the world, but if we cared about that we wouldn’t be American [152/192]

Good news is on the horizon: I found fresh clam juice. This one’s for you, Granny [153/192]

If I die before this thread ends, know that I spent my last moments passing the torch of knowledge and its pitchfork as well [154/192]

Okay so the new constitution of Maine goes to the Supreme Court. They talk about it for a little bit but decide it would be in bad taste to think about it [155/192]

So they just…don’t hear the case. [156/192]

Coincidentally, at the same time Dolley Madison diminishes and returns to the sea, her position usurped, her form changed. Neither woman nor oyster, she endures yet, placeless, gnawed by the world to nothing but a slip of tough consciousness on the sea floor [157/192]

Yknow, vodka may not be the greatest disinfectant [158/192]

I don’t remember Granny ever having this problem. But she was a Mainer and you know how they are [159/192]

Granny’s maiden name was Dorchester but I don’t think there’s any connection to the Fredericksworths. [160/193]

I bet we all wish there was, though, don’t we [161/194]

So the Maine constitution stands as-is, with a Big Frown against clam-fucking and a Big Smile for soup [162/194]

Darla King goes on to a life of bisexuality and good old-fashioned black market pedagogy [163/194]

The Fredericksworth family lose their fortune in Lobster Revolution of 1879 and are forced into a life of penurious heterosexuality that continues to this day [164/193]

Incidentally, their ancestral home is now occupied by a family of silicon-based Kennedys [165/192]

Hm. My nimbrring appearsw tobe slipling [165/12]

Hangn on a sec [166/1]

mom [167/1999]

Mom? [168/200]

Dear Dolley,
I am sorry. Did you know that before you left? The saddest things on earth are the things we believed we never had to say. The things we thought the other saw in a look or felt in the pressure of a hand. I am sorry. Come back. [169/192]

Dear Dolley,
Nothing can make up for what we have done. To you, to me, to each other. Words are laudanum not cure. I can only hope you have found happiness, and regret that it was not and shall never be with me.
[170/192]

Dear Dolley,
Time was ever a sly beast, and I am no hunter. I shall try again by some other means, with hands I know better and words you might hear. Remember me until I am once more able to remember you.
[171/192]

HEY EVERYONE SORRY I HAD TO CLOSE MY EYES FOR A SECOND [165/192]

where was I
oh right, penurious heterosexuality [166/192]

so sometime after Maine achieves statehood, the daughter of Jamington and Mrs. Jamington heads up there for a relaxing weekend [167/192]

obviously this is still the nineteenth century so no weekend is gonna be like SUPER relaxing but it's well known that the children of clams and humans are really good at just completely chilling out [168/192]

the daughter is, of course, Grace Fredericksworth (yes, THAT one) and she is as beautiful as noon and as kind as sunset [169/192]

at this point William King is still kicking around, but he's pretty old and his bevy of daughters have all left Maine for states with fewer of their father. and he's walking along the beach one day. you see where this is going [170/192]

so he sees Grace and he's like "oh hello" and she's like "oh hell no" and he's like "but my wide lands, rich in cattle" and she's like "but my wide ass, rich in kisses" and he decides he'll marry her [171/192]

THE OBVIOUS PROBLEM is that the Maine constitution still has that big ol' frown and once he finds out she's THAT Grace Fredericksworth he's like "I'll change the law for you" and she's like "yes, go do that, take as long as you need" [172/192]

then while William King is off in Gronts' Butt (later renamed Portland) Grace is like "gonna take to the sea" and then she takes to the sea, bonnet and all [173/192]

where she meets (you guessed it) Dolley Madison [174/192]

now obviously we don't know what went on there on the sea floor and it would be weird to speculate [175/192]

meanwhile back on land, William King finally gets enough people together to change the constitution of Maine. the year is 1851, if you can believe the Gregorian calendar, which nobody of sense ever really has [176/192]

in fall of that year Grace Fredericksworth re-emerges from the sea in time for this convention and is like "um the hell I didn't think you'd actually do it" & he's like "but I love you" and she's like "you love the idea of recapturing your youth in the form of a woman" [177/192]

so Grace absolutely fucks off back to Boston (presumably flipping a whole flock of birds) and sulks. we know she sulked because of the society columns. we don't know why she sulked. [178/192]

meanwhile William is all "well then" but like in that judgmental dad way, and calls everything off, and the constitution stays as it is for the next century and a half. William obviously dies the hell up within a year. [179/192]

we all know what Grace was up to because of the Lin-Manuel Miranda musical about her and Alexander Hamilton's grandson, which I think he could have had better taste than to call Clamilton, but you can't argue with the Tonys [180/192]

I mean okay you CAN argue with the Tonys but only if you like being hated and put in stocks [181/192]

Later Grace went and joined an Anti-Spisulan church just for deep-cover baptismal font urination, which LMM left out of the story [182/192]

she eventually went back to the sea, but over in San Francisco rather than the Atlantic. she also started a scholarship program for clams who were the first in their families to go to college. that was cool. also it has nothing to do with Maine [183/192]

I am fully out of all liquids at this point except water so you'll have to bear with me as I get the Brita pitcher. ogle some sea bishops while you wait [184/192]

god, can you even imagine tweeting sober [185/192]

back in Maine, time goes on, as time does. the actual legality of the constitution begins to come under more scrutiny in about 1967, during the Summer of Glub, the start of the Sea Love movement. [186/192]

these challenges are still going on. none of them have gotten very far, given that Maine is pretty entrenched in its ways, but they are there, and that's kinda cool, I guess [187/192]

so that pretty much brings us up to the present. however, there's just a few things further to note: [188/192]

1. Dolley has recently gained popularity among the younger generation of oysters and is poised to shake up the status quo in the Atlantic. After all, if she killed Robo-Cornwallis, she can do anything. [189/192]

2. Upon Grace's return to the sea, she left an extremely clear and detailed will disposing of all her earthly possessions, down to individual teaspoons. The only thing left unaccounted for as a single oyster shell, pierced as if to be hung around the neck. [190/192]

3. The biggest thing left by Grace is a legal defense fund geared toward overturning the current constitution of Maine. If you read its charter, looking at the first letter of each paragraph,
Dolley I
it spells FUCK YOU.

And that's pretty much it! Thanks for sticking around for this little history lesson. I hope you learned something. FIN

[192/192]