Thread by @vandroidhelsing

1 like = 1 funeral mishap in the Duchy of Farnborg

1. In 1693 the cortege for the Dowager Duchess Helga, planned as the longest and most expensive in Europe, containing sad jugglers, a contingent of lacemakers, drummers, and wan men in calfskin slippers, was interrupted by a tyrannous witch.

2. In 1342, the funeral of the Peasant of Ingen ended in tragedy when, despite the hopes and prayers of all concerned, he was discovered to be still alive.

3. In 1781, the new French bride of Duke Karl XVI died of wig, and as no coffin could be found to contain the mass of artificial coiffure, her remains were walled up in the third ballroom, which later burned to the ground. The wig is still at large.

4. The first Duke of Farnborg died in 1275, which was tragic for such a fastidious man, since 1275 is known throughout Europe as the ugliest number. His corpse was pickled in wine until a more beautiful year came along; they still roll out the barrel on feast days.

5. In 1496 the lacemakers' guild attempted to bury one Johan Klömp in the new cathedral. As Klömp was a known Protestant, the bishop turned his body away. This was the only thing that happened in Farnborg that year, except the Hens' Revolt, which was far less interesting.

6. In 1778, the old French bride of Karl XVI died of an ailment now known in medical circles as "Northern Europe", and, as she had the reputation of a clever woman, the Church would not permit her burial in consecrated ground. Her mausoleum still stands in the palace deer park.

7. The first reigning duchess, Margaret, died in 1308, and in accordance with her will, was propped up in the south hall to scare children. Sadly, as so often happens, her wishes were ignored, and her body was propped up in the north hall, to scare teenagers.

8. The second reigning duchess, Charlotte, died in 1520, and was buried in the grandest of all possible tombs, mourned and beloved by everyone. Unfortunately, during the ceremonies, a dog barked, so in accordance with custom they had to dig her up and do it all over again.

9. In 1765 the oldest French bride of Karl XVI died of ploughman's wimpleface, and was taken to lie in state in the old cathedral. Unfortunately, an outbreak of Protestantism occurred, and it was found more convenient to shut up the capital and move than deal with anything else.

10. In 1799, Karl XVI died of night air, and as the populace objected to his taking so many French brides while ignoring the bright and beautiful Swedes just across the way, he was loaded into a trebuchet and aimed at Paris. Sadly, at the last second they buried him with honor.

11. During the Melancholy of 1466, so many Farnborgians contracted the Venetian beefwit that every cemetery was filled, so, in defiance of all custom and good sense, Karl V issued a decree that more cemeteries must be made. They did it, but they weren't happy about it.

12. The third reigning duchess, Margaret the Red, died in 1630 from overindulging in Erasmus. As her reputation had been sullied by whispers of cat-keeping, she was put in an unmarked grave, which later became marked as a favorite haunt of bisexuals.

13. During the funeral of Johanna the Farrier in 1598, the corpse was seen to open its eyes in amazement at a particularly fine mare. However, it was just ambiguous enough that nobody really wanted to talk about it, because how awkward if she'd actually been alive, right?

14. In 1304, the guild of fishmongers protested the funeral of Christian Üm, on the grounds that he had once overcooked tuna & therefore must be excommunicated. The bishop agreed. However, Christian was later canonized when his fingerbone miraculously cured Karl II of wamble-bum.

15. The Rooster of West Glum interrupted so many corteges in 1626 that it was put on trial, accused of Protestantism, and eaten. Ironically, a papal pardon had been dispatched, but did not arrive in time due to the couriers contracting severe chickenpox.

16. In either 1840 or 1721, a man named either Karl or Joseph died of (or maybe recovered from) English longthroat, & was buried in the family plot, or in the local churchyard, or got married & had six children. The tragedy is that Karl (or Joseph), a peasant, was buried in silk.

17. Somewhere in a forest with no name is a beech tree of astonishing height. Someone is buried at its feet. The soil is still fresh for a few days more, but nobody will find it for years. Not until a kind rain or convulsion of the earth lays the bones bare to be wondered at.

18. Upon the death of Karl XV, it was discovered he was actually two Danish princes in a doublet. This raised a number of questions, including (most obviously): do you stack the princes in a coffin one on top of the other, or put them end to end? History is silent on the answer.

19. The second Duke of Farnborg, William X (by the Julian calendar), died in 1302 of witch's slap, and was embalmed with great care, placed in a gilded coffin carved all round with saints, then set on fire to contain the curse. He refused to burn, and so got shipped to England.

20. The recent reigning duchess, Beatrice VL, died in 1988. Her estranged son, Karl II, activated an obscure custom which allowed him to pass her off to the lacemakers' guild, who could not afford the funeral, and wrapped her carefully in tatted silk and gave her a humble burial.

21. Upon the accession of Karl V, he was promptly poisoned to death with an envenomed riding crop. Sadly, this rendered his corpse unfit to be seen, what with the marks all over his bum, so the family hushed it up and brought in an exact double, known to history as Karl V.2

22. During the 1840 outbreak of Spanish eye, a charlatan named Harold Eisner attempted to cure sufferers by burying them alive. The darkness, he claimed, would counteract the more extravagant symptoms, like the gushing. It worked, much to his chagrin, & he was hanged for larceny.

23. In 1926, the famed Thirty-Eight Cows of Louisa von Hepp died of grief and sororicide. Van Hepp attempted to give them a decent burial, but their anguished mother (the Red Cow of East Glum) kicked over a censer and would not apologize, thereby ruining everything.

24. After the September Revolution of 1968, there was an afternoon's interregnum in which Chancellor Peter Orgdeborg occupied the ducal palace before loyalist forces overthrew him & put him in a marble crypt. The mishap is that he was not eaten by hedgehogs as originally planned.

25. The funeral plans for the current duchess, Helena, include military bands, a jet flyover, an ice cream social, and Beyoncé. However, given the history of funerals in Farnborg, the citizens are bracing for a kazoo, the release of some old pigeons, a taco bar, and Nicholas Cage

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