Was Theodore Roosevelt a thirst trap? Was Rutherford Hayes a hottie? Friends, it’s time for “Rating the Hotness of U. S. Presidents: A THREAD.”
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS: you made a foolish bargain and now he’s come to collect your firstborn. his eyebrows are sentient life forms. he has never gotten up out of this chair. 5/10.
MARTIN VAN BUREN: wishes to inform you that you will be haunted by three spirits. possibly the Scranton Strangler. will take you out to dinner but “forget his wallet” at home, 4/10.
JAMES BUCHANAN: will never forgive himself for telling Tom Riddle about Horcruxes that one time. will leave you on read and inflame regional tensions that erupt in civil war. 3/10.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT: tired of being hit on by students when he just wants to recover the Holy Grail. capable of remembering your anniversary and surviving a bullet wound to the chest. 9/10, would happily lead him up the Amazon.
ZACHARY TAYLOR: brings your beloved wife back from the dead but steals her away to dance in his faerie palace each night. drinks only light beer. one day a family of birds will escape from his hair. 5/10.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: “LOOK STRAIGHT INTO MY FACE THE MONKEY’S PAW WILL BRING YOU HAPPINESS AND HEALTH AND GOOD FORTUNE”
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES: tried to poison the water supply in Gotham City. confused as to why women complain about feeling harassed “on the interwebs.” still listening to Mumford & Sons. 4/10.
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON: needs you to avenge his death. seems agitated by a mysterious ticking noise under the floorboards. goes out with you for precisely one month and then ghosts you forever. 6.4/10.
FRANKLIN W. PIERCE: lovingly caresses your hand as you die of scarlet fever. expects Sufjan to finish his “fifty states” project “any day now!” calls you his muse. 10/10 would let him write sonnets about me.
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