Thread by @roobsleiser

so me n ma bf moved into a new flat this week. the building had a fire a couple years back n hadn’t been lived in since so it is...FILTHY. like proper inch thick grime over every surface. but we had a timescale for actually getting in so haven’t managed to clean yet BUT

that meant we also couldn’t unpack anything coz there’s no inch of the flat that’s not totally manky. so everything’s in boxes and we’re not even 1% settled in. yday I started a new job n there was furniture to build so he said he’d do that n we’d set aside the weekend to clean

so en route home from work the bus breaks down so I have to walk the rest of the way n I phone him to see what he fancies for dinner etc n he says “here why don’t we just clean tonight n get it out the way n the weekend’s free” n even tho am gubbed it makes sense so UGH FINE

and then I get home

and the flat is spotless. like gleaming. every surface, every door, every window inside and out (we live one floor up lol), he’s cleaned the walls and the floors and the ceilings. the kitchen worktops are a different colour!!! everywhere smells amazing. but NOT ONLY THAT

he’s also constructed a shower rail from scratch to fit the weird shaped alcove and put a shower curtain up. new bath mat is down. fresh towels are out. he’s got new toiletries and put them in. he’s changed the horrible cold fluoro bulbs to nice soft ones. he’s bought plants.

he’s unpacked everything we need to make dinner. he’s got the speakers set up and miles davis is on. there’s a scented candle burning on the coffee table that he’s built FROM SCRATCH out of old scaffolding boards?!?

as I was leaving the flat to go to work in the morning he was still half asleep but I was saying I wished I could hang my dressing gown on the back of the door n he’s put a fuckin hook up for it and hung it on!!!!!!

then am having a pure cry n am like omg I need a coffee n he goes into the cupboard n he’s bought me a cookie to go w it coz he said he knew I’d want one when I got in...

it’s a kind and lovely thing to do anyway but for context this is the first relationship I’ve been in since my last abusive one. it lasted for four years and has damaged me in ways that I’m still learning about

having someone be kind and loving towards me for no reason other than they’re kind and they love me still feels alien but we’ve been together 3yrs now and he’s almost got me used to it. he is truly a good person and has enriched my life in more ways than I can count, or even know

he’s also sexy as fuck lol x

this is his casually hand crafted coffee table no big deal

he’s also ridiculously talented (pic 1, 2 and 4 shot on film & completely raw/unretouched) and like at what point does a person have TOO MUCH going for them?!?!?

(you can find him at @ stewbryden on insta n stewartbryden.com )

anyway I guess I just want to say that if you are going/have gone through abuse, there’ll be a day at some point in the future when someone - doesn’t have to be romantic - will do something (big or small) that’ll make u feel genuinely loved n will remind u that u survived

abuse makes u feel completely alone and also completely dependent on the person causing u the harm. and it’ll convince u that love hurts. but it doesn’t. cruelty isn’t necessary for passion, anger isn’t necessary for balance. love makes u strong and protects u and empowers u

and a lot of ppl say abuse makes u think you’ll never be loved, which is true, but worse for me was the belief that *I* could never love anyone else again. even family n friends, I felt suspicious n paranoid n too vulnerable to open myself up to their love. another man? no chance

but eventually it comes back because you realise you’ve both forced AND allowed (it’s complex!) yourself to heal to the point of being brave enough to let your walls down again. and with that comes some pain but it also allows so much goodness to flood back in.

and ppl that u held at arm’s length - to hide the abuse and/or coz u were brainwashed into thinking they just didn’t understand - will be waiting for you. they maybe couldn’t help at the time but they’ll be there to scoop you up n help you rebuild your life and yourself

this got deep, but I just want the world to know how grateful I am for any and all genuine love that is directed my way. coming home yesterday to a kind person having done something so thoughtful purely to make me happy is exactly what I always hoped love would be ❤️

also sorry I should’ve put a CW/TW on this but I didn’t really know this was the direction I was going in n just got swept up in being a big fuckin emotional wreck about the whole thing. sorry if it was triggering to anyone xxxx