, 51 tweets, 24 min read Read on Twitter
All settled in at the #oow19 keynote, to be delivered by @FakeOracleLarry. Keynotes suspend my "don't be a snarky ass when you're an invited guest" rule. Oracle PR is already aware and drinking to forget in advance.

Join me in this thread.
"Wait, why is he starting the keynote snark livetweet thread with a disclaimer?"

Because #oow19 is an Oracle property and I'm nothing if not on-brand.
Holy crap the #oow19 keynote starts with an actual freaking disclaimer. They're reading this whole thing aloud!

I'm not kidding.
This may be the most on-brand Oracle thing ever. #oow19
I'm trying and failing to picture @ajassy starting the re:Invent keynote with "everything I'm about to tell you may well be bullshit, don't trust a single word you're about to hear" and I just can't imagine it. #OOW19
The future is screens. Oh so many screens. #oow19
The first speaker is @JudithSimOracle. Chief of Staff, SVP of Oracle Marketing.

...wait, you can start a tech keynote with a speaker who's not a white guy but still a very senior exec?! Oracle just pulled way ahead of most of its peers, no lie.
Well done. Very well done. #oow19
Now talking about Dr. Kate Darling's talk later this week. She's a Robotics Ethicist. "Wait, where does she work?" The MIT Media Lab. Talk about crap timing.
She's phenomenal by all accounts. #oow19
Hey, Vishal Sikka too! Awesome, awesome guy. Very nice the few times I met him. #oow19
"We're also hosting @OracleCodeOne at #oow19, mostly to keep cynical developers the hell away from you, our decision makers."
Now talking about an Escape Room. "Now you can do one with Java skills *and* contract negotiations here at #oow19!"
"The #oow19 Vendor Expo is called 'The Exchange' because we're Oracle; absolutely nothing is free."
"You're invited to make Oracle Park your fitness destination this week," but I'm too busy fitness entire burrito in my mouth at #oow19.
Why the hell aren't @oracle's community leaders called the "Select Stars?" #oow19
Ooh, John Mayer and Flo Rida are the musical guests on Wednesday night. That seems well aligned with the crowd energy at #oow19.
A CERN video where they use the Large Hadron Collider to plumb the mysteries of the universe and Oracle contract terms. #oow19
And now, @fakeoraclelarry takes / acquires the #oow19 keynote stage!
Talking about "Generation 2 Cloud" or the world's first "truly autonomous cloud." #oow19
Now talking about autonomous vehicles. Unless @OracleCloud is about to crash through my wall kool-aid man style, this may be confusing the #oow19 message just a smidgen.
"We spend much more on people than we do on storage, compute, or any other physical assets." @fakeoraclelarry is absolutely right on that score. #oow19

"Eliminating human labor" is the goal of Gen2, on top of "on demand usage" from gen1.
"The value of removing humans is eliminating data theft." That seems highly specific and not particularly accurate. Hmm. #oow19
And now mocking others' misfortune. How... classy. #oow19

Today it's their data breach, tomorrow it's yours. Tread carefully. #hugops
Now talking about the shared responsibility model, and that Amazon won't accept liability. "But with Oracle Cloud you can't change configuration."

Okay; is @oraclecloud willing to sign a liability guarantee? #oow19
That concludes the @awscloud bashing, now to talk about the Autonomous database.

Good; I hear there's another conference for AWS announcements. #oow19
I don't understand why Oracle would acquire @DynDNS and not build it into their flagship database offering. #oow19
Introducing Oracle Autonomous Linux. A new version of Oracle Linux. Is it still Unbreakable? #oow19
How is this not "we install Chef by default?" #oow19
Now talking about Equifax's breach. I've got no love for Equifax (shittiest horse in Lord of the Rings), but punching down isn't a good look at all, Oracle. #oow19
Okay, if we're playing this game, three years ago there was a serious Oracle retail breach. Here's @briankrebs's take on it: krebsonsecurity.com/2016/08/data-b… #oow19
An #oow19 shout-out to IBM Hat.
Today I learned that AWS is powered by Oracle Autonomous Linux.

Apparently "Amazon Linux 2" is just remarkably clever branding. #oow19
"And Oracle Autonomous Linux is free" just like CentOS. #oow19
I'm not a database person except for Route 53, so I don't understand most of what he's saying now--but it seems to me that "human error can't happen" is the DBA equivalent of climbing to the top of a mountain during a thunderstorm with a metal rake and cursing God? #oow19
As a cloud economist, I can say that if your reason to migrate from @awscloud to @oraclecloud is "to cut your bill in half" you're tetched in the head. #oow19

There are valid reasons to do it (really!), but they aren't cost-based.
Two versions, "expensive" and "extortionate." #oow19

I do wonder if you can migrate easily from one to the other.
*IF* this is accurate and there aren't licensing caveats, this is sensible. #oow19
"Amazon's databases don't scale up and down for you." Except for Aurora Serverless, and various NoSQL options? #oow19
Now saying you can access AWS's cloud control plane.

Uh... this is flat out wrong. The Nitro hypervisor security model has been discussed extensively. #oow19

Hit @awscloud where it hurts, please; stop making things up!
I don't understand why instead of this nonsense @fakeoraclelarry isn't telling a story about how "We're Oracle, we do X, Y, and Z. They're Amazon, they do EVERYTHING and will come for your business in the night." *THAT* will resonate! #oow19
Holy crap I didn't realize that I didn't have to stick to true statements when making fun of @awscloud. This is a brand new era for me!

DynamoDB runs on the blood of puppies! Never use it, use Route 53 instead! #oow19
Y'know, @awscloud didn't have to sponsor #oow19; it's getting more stage time than the folks who did by orders of magnitude.
I wonder how much I have to pay @werner to make half of his keynote about me? #oow19
"Amazon's compute service is called 'Elastic Compute Cloud,' or 'EC2.'"

Congratulations to @fakeoraclelarry on passing his @awscloud Cloud Practitioner certification! See you in the certified lounge at re:Invent? #oow19
Finally talking about @azure for a minute or two. Y'know, the cloud provider they actually have a partnership with? #oow19
"Why are you talking so much about @awscloud during #oow19, Corey?"

Okay, customer stories. Thank you! #oow19
I didn't know @oraclecloud supported containers. #oow19
One more thing... #oow19
Ooh, a free tier. I will be exploring this. #oow19
This is a "no bullshit" free tier. I want to see the terms and conditions first, but this is compelling. #oow19
And with one last swipe at Amazon, the keynote ends along with Day One of #oow19. Thanks for following along!
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