Thinking about how hard the church works to keep gay people closeted and what incalculable damage this does to their hearts
Most of the people who categorically advise against coming out probably don't realize they are saying "If you allow yourself authentic human relationships, the cost we will have to pay will be too dear for us"
When I say "authentic relationships" I don't mean romantic ones, I mean all of them
I also do not mean that anybody who is still in the closet is there for being in authentic. It's simply not possible for some people to come out in their current context, and even when it is, it's not their obligation
I do mean that anybody who consistently and perpetually hides an important part of their daily emotional experience from the world will inevitably pay a price. And some people have no option but to pay it
And the bishops say: Pay it. Keep paying it. It is too costly for us to pay
Thinking also of how hard we gay people work to keep our belief that the church is good
A child abused by his parent will hold so tight to the image of the parent as good that they will say: I am the problem. He hits me because I am bad. It is my fault. What he does to me is for my own good
We do this for the church. We say: We are broken. The church is loving. We are the problem. We are bad
I don't think I'm bitter towards the church, exactly, but I think I may be finally done covering for her
