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"oh I'm sorry. Is this absolutely the most awkward position on the bed for me to lie in? I didn't know. How about if I start sighing loudly. Will that help?"
"Don't mind me. Honestly. Pretend I'm not here. I'm just going to stare at you mournfully until you notice, then flounce down to the end of the bed."
Is there hugging? SOMEONE IS HUGGING UP THERE WHERE ARE MY HUGS
"Sir. Ma'am. This is the hug police. Can I see your license and registration please."
"I'm just going to lie here now. Is this uncomfortable? If it's uncomfortable you could just get up."
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More from @garius see all

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John Bull
@garius
It currently costs roughly £20m a mile to build a railway.

At that rate, it would cost 100 BILLION POUNDS to 'undo' the Beeching cuts.

So this is a commitment to 0.5% of that total.

Remember: Just because a number sounds impressive, doesn't mean that it is.
Back in 2013, on the 50th anniversary of its publishing, we explored the myth and reality of the Beeching Report (and its REAL impact) on @lonrec

As you might suspect, it is more complex than people like to paint it. And in many cases the cuts it proposed made sense.
Indeed part of Shapps' tweet gives the game away on the fact that the Beeching cuts weren't universally bad.

Beeching was commissioned by the CONSERVATIVE, and infamously corrupt, Transport Secretary Ernest Marples.
Read 10 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
Couple of people have asked me this now, so I should probably answer it.

IMHO, it is FINE to include niche jokes in your stuff as long as:

1) It's easy to Google
2) It's a cool thing. So when they Google it they go OH SHIT THAT'S A COOL THING I NOW KNOW THANKS WRITER PERSON
So that's why I'm happy to drop jokes about Esso Tokens, or Star Wars Pogs, or Goat Simulator, or the risks of hyper-inflation in the world of D&D.

Because the nice thing about written comedy is people can go off, Google, fall down a rabbit hole, come back and enjoy it even more
Basically, as long as someone can work out what you're talking about in about two clicks via Google then it's not exclusionary. You're just helping them discover cool new things.

If the joke requires something that CAN'T be searched, though, then you're just being a snob.
Read 3 tweets
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John Bull
@garius
ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Righto.
ADVENTURERS: Um... Where is it.
DRAGON:
ADVENTURERS:
DRAGON: The treasure is the friends you made along the way.
ADVENTURERS:
DRAGON:
ADVENTURERS: Seriously?
DRAGON: Yup.
ADVENTURERS:
DRAGON:
ADVENTURERS: Fucksake
ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGON: Are you registered with my accounts department?
ADVENTURERS: What?
DRAGON: I can't pay you unless you are
ADVENTURERS: Why didn't you tell us that 3 months ago when we started this quest?!
DRAGON: Your agency should have told you
ADVENTURERS: We're here for your treasure!
DRAGONS: Congrats! Here you go.
ADVENTURERS: What... what is this?
DRAGON: DragCoin. It's my new crypto. Gonna be worth millions, bro
ADVENTURERS: Have you published the blockchain?
DRAGON: HAHAHA listen to little Bill Gates here!
Read 20 tweets

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Jennifer Bendery
@jbendery
There is a HUGE screen outside of Union Station right now featuring Christine Blasey Ford's testimony in the Senate -- as Brett Kavanaugh is inside speaking at the Federalist Society annual fundraiser dinner. Compliments of @WeDemandJustice
There are also handmaids standing outside the Federalist Society-Brett Kavanaugh dinner. As Federalist Society members pass by them in tuxedos.
Oh man. Anti-Kavanaugh protesters are shouting "I believe Dr. Ford! I believe Anita Hill!" right in the faces of Federalist Society members as they're stuck waiting in line for their gala to start. For who knows how long. #awkward
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Friend or Foe?
@starknightz
1. #News ~ President Trump, “I meet & talk to foreign governments every day,” “Should I immediately call the FBI about these calls & meetings? How ridiculous! I would never be trusted again” washingtontimes.com/news/2019/jun/…

#Trump #Qanon @realDonaldTrump #Patriot #TRUMP2020 #MAGA #KAG
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#Trump #Qanon #Spygate #TickTock
Read 107 tweets
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Carole Cadwalladr
@carolecadwalla
Oh @afneil, you spoil me. A new photo. With ALL the greats.
Farage of course...but meet David Burnside: ex-Ulster unionist MP. And ex-PR to ex-Cambridge Analytica shareholder, Tchenguiz. Ex-publicity fluffer for Dmitryo Firtash, Ukrainian oligarch wanted by FBI. And..drum roll..
...there's even an Oakeshott connection! Burnside used to employ her husband, Nigel Rosser. I know! What are the odds?!? Anyway, this is what Burnside is most famous for. Introducing the Tories to Putin's top pals.
These guys. Burnside likes to hang with Putin's judo buddy & co-author. Here is is with him at the Conservatives Black & White ball in 2013. Today, @Billbrowder gave evidence to parliament about how govt has failed to take action against Russian dirty money...because 🤔
Read 12 tweets
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Mark Grondin
@SpectrumPulse
I feel like driving up some controversy, so how about a thread of Hot Takes/Unpopular Opinions! You know the drill, one like = one take/opinion.

Start easy: the blunt awkwardness/cringe of 'Blurryface' is the point of taking the piss out of Tyler. I stand by my light 9/10.
2. I don't hate Nickelback's 'Dark Horse' - it's easily a record for them at their most tasteless, but the frat-bro swagger of it helps some of their better hooks.
3. 'Fireflies' by Owl City is a genuinely terrific song that captures precocious, starry-eyed wonderment better than few others in the 2000s.

It is SPECTACULARLY lame, but that's why it works.
Read 177 tweets
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Dormain Drewitz
@DormainDrewitz
Start of thread: About a month ago, a colleague that self-identified as a "privileged, white male" approached me. He wanted to know what he could to to help support our diversity and inclusion effort.
As someone who hasn't been really involved, other that being female, I was caught off-guard. I admired his desire to be on the right side of things and his humility in admitting he didn't know how. And I was a bit embarrassed that I didn't have an answer.
I promised to do some thinking and get back to him. Here's what I've got so far. It's broad advice that I figured others may find useful. Take this as 3 pieces of advice from one woman. I'm not flogging a dissertation here :)
Read 16 tweets

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