Thread by @dustyexner

I've lost some relationships in my life because of unmanaged or unchecked #ADHD behaviours. Being impulse-driven means that at times I've been socially unaware, inappropriate, too loud, too rude, or - without meaning to be - selfish.

So I've developed a thing about "selfish"

Selfish is the hardest one. Because as many of you with ADHD know, most people with ADHD have big hearts. We care about others, a LOT. Sometimes too much, to the point where we are codependent and live to make those around us happy.

We are sensitive and easily wounded. We want justice. We care strongly about what's right, sometimes too strongly, like a dog with a bone.

Anyway, heres the thing - the most toxic and emotionally-unhealthy people in my life have been the ones who have leveled the charge of 'selfishness' at me. People who held grudges. People who couldnt process emotions or communicate hurt. People who were looking to blame.

When I look back on the people who hurt me with their opinions of me, I wonder why MY opinion of THEM was so high!

People who are emotionally healthy don't look for blame. They don't explode on you. They don't hold things against you for years to be used as weapons in a fight.

I think the first time someone hurt me by calling me selfish was one of the guitarists in my band. After a show my hubs was driving all night till he couldn't drive anymore & had to pull over. This person kept pressuring him to keep driving cause he wanted to get home to his gf.

This person once freaked out at me for bringing their hat to them out of a venue because "dont touch my stuff!". This person would say things like "fuck you" to people, thinking that was an okay way to communicate.

This person also had wonderful strengths and many things I loved about them and I miss them. But like...at least at the time I knew them they were a complete asshole and yet their opinion of me was more real than MY opinion of me, of those who held positive opinions of me

And this is maybe a theme I see with a subset of ADHD clients I coach, around identity, "rightness" and codependency. We need to be right. Right = good. If someone says we're bad, we are wrong. And we hate being wrong.

And yet we look to others for external validation. If you dont pay a lot of attention, if you cant focus or aren't watching closely, you might not evaluate well the quality of the person judging you. You might let shitty people tell you you're shitty.

I have noticed that for myself and some other ADHD folks who strongly align with this right/good-bad/wrong binary, we have this very childlike belief in others. If people are "friends" they get the benefit of the doubt no matter what. No critical thinking...

Just "they are my friend = they must be right"

"They are my friend / family = I must act a certain way" because to us, theres a clear set of rules around how friends and family are supposed to act to each other.

The problem with this very black and white thinking about our relationships is that other people dont play by our rules. And sometimes they shouldnt have to. And I find that it is in the disconnect of this that where misunderstandings happen.

When we take action or respond to the people in our lives based on the "rules", we are not actually engaging and evaluating the current circumstances. We are not seeing others for who they really are but rather a role we have already defined for them.

Ie, my guitarist is my friend therefore he should be nice to me and hes not being nice to me therefore as a friend I now have the right to tell HIM to fuck off and I should get to be the one with hurt feelings but he has hurt feelings and now he's mad at me wait what's going on

Wait... am I the one who is wrong? Am *I* the one who is bad even tho he told me to fuck off first? But what about my hurt feelings? How did we get from there to here? He is telling me I am selfish and I am confused and he doesnt seem confused so he must be right

.....I mean, at least that's how that kind of thing used to happen for me.

Until I:
A) learned about and unpacked a lot of my codependency issues and my need to always have others see me as "good" and be taking care of others

B) Stopped surrounding myself with toxic people

Even that isnt a binary - someone isnt either "toxic and therefore garbage" or "healthy and therefore worthwhile". All life is a spectrum, which is why it's even more important that we engage with who people really are rather than the "rules" we have for who they should be to us

Someone can be your best friend, your mom, or your cool neighbour and also be a person you cant trust with your heart, someone you shouldnt open up to, or someone whose opinion shouldnt matter to you.

Emotionally healthy people try to forgive, or they dont let the little things bother them. They recognize that you probably didn't MEAN to do the thing (ergo, you're not just some selfish asshole), and if the thing is a big enough issue they'll tell you in order to resolve it

A person who doesnt want to resolve conflict with you doesnt value you or the relationship with you because they are literally willing to throw away the connection to you over the conflict. Dont be the only person bailing water out of a sinking ship when there are two of you.

A person who is emotionally healthy will tell you things when they think you need to hear them, with love, rather than bringing up things that are hard to hear in a moment of conflict. When someone says "you're selfish!" to me now in a shitty or conflictual way, that's a sign.

A sign that I SHOULD be more selfish with that person.

A sign that I probably haven't been putting myself first.

A sign that I need more distance or boundaries.

Cause you know what? It hurts when people call me selfish. Because I care. so. much.

I care about strangers. I care about the world. I care about my friends and family.

The person who least often receives that level of care from me, used to be me.

These days I make a rule of giving myself at least as much care as I would those other groups.

I mean I'm not perfect I totally do forget and get caught up in people pleasing but I'm far from where I've come with the help of boundaries and better self esteem.

Anyway: before you feel bad about yourself make sure you're not surrounded by assholes 🤷‍♀️🧡🧡🧡🧡

My new response when someone tells me something shitty:

*shrug*
Well, maybe I am.

Maybe I am selfish.
Maybe I am presumptive.
Maybe I am rude.

I mean, it is their truth. Why should I try to fight their version of me if they want to see the worst in me? Y

Yeah, I can be selfish or presumptive or rude or whatever. I'm also fucking amazing and kind and loving and funny. If you feel the need to 'smarten me up' or make me 'hear the hard truth' or 'take me down a peg or two', without the context of love, care or conflict resolution...

...then you're probably not someone I should open my heart to or value your opinion very highly.

I know who I am now. And I know what kind of people I want around me. People who understand that everyone is selfish sometimes. That people make mistakes. That people are imperfect.

I want people around me who see the best in me, who will hold me accountable with love when I fuck up majorly, who will communicate hurt to me so I can honor their feelings, and who will let go of the little things because *I* am more important to them.

People who are super fucked up themselves no longer have a place in my life to tell *me* why I'm fucked up. Like most people with #ADHD I am my own worst critic, and I trust myself to evaluate the things I need to work on about myself. I care. I always want to be better.

AND THAT IS HOW YOU DO THE MENTAL WORK TO STOP LETTING OTHERS' OPINIONS OF YOU MATTER MORE THAN YOUR OWN.

Fin.