Story time.
I went on a date with a marine biologist who was living in Marathon (Keys) in late January, probably six years ago now. Tall, blonde, tan, met on a Grindr, usually love story that your fairly gay mother told you about when you were sucking down your first vodka soda.
I went on a date with a marine biologist who was living in Marathon (Keys) in late January, probably six years ago now. Tall, blonde, tan, met on a Grindr, usually love story that your fairly gay mother told you about when you were sucking down your first vodka soda.
Everything went really well – went out on his sailboat, it was a bit chilly so we cut it short, nice sunset, couple of drinks, etc. Good times.
We got back to the house he was staying at and were just hanging out in the back yard, a few cocktails in at this point, playing with
We got back to the house he was staying at and were just hanging out in the back yard, a few cocktails in at this point, playing with
His dog, a golden retriever.
It gets dark, and now it’s pretty damn cold, for most people. Low 40s, high 30s. Doesn’t bother us, but there’s something people from SoFla are used to when it gets cold and windy:
It rains iguanas.
They’re reptiles, so they’re super lethargic when
It gets dark, and now it’s pretty damn cold, for most people. Low 40s, high 30s. Doesn’t bother us, but there’s something people from SoFla are used to when it gets cold and windy:
It rains iguanas.
They’re reptiles, so they’re super lethargic when
It’s cold. The wind shakes the trees, and they fall right out.
We start hearing the “plunk” of the Floridian snowfall, and his dog gets SO excited.
He’s like, “Oh, hey, one second – I’ll be right back,” and goes inside.
He returns with a pellet gun and a sack. Kid you not.
We start hearing the “plunk” of the Floridian snowfall, and his dog gets SO excited.
He’s like, “Oh, hey, one second – I’ll be right back,” and goes inside.
He returns with a pellet gun and a sack. Kid you not.
Homeboy sets off into the dark with said faithful canine, and after five or six minutes of me staring into the darkness like “???”, he comes back, doggo looking proud as hell. And his sack was no longer empty.
I’m getting a little more disturbed, and I’m like
I’m getting a little more disturbed, and I’m like
He gives me this sly, slick grin, and launches into this long explanation about how iguanas get lethargic when it’s cold and he and ole Bailey liked to hunt them.
Okay, they’re basically a plague, so if you have a garden you’re used to trying to get rid of them.
Okay, they’re basically a plague, so if you have a garden you’re used to trying to get rid of them.
But that’s not where it ends. Homeboy is trotting over to the deep freeze that’s outside as he explains this, opens the freezer, and PUTS THE BAG INTO IT.
Now look, this is actually kind of a humane way of dealing with reptiles/amphibians – cold until they get lethargic, freeze.
Now look, this is actually kind of a humane way of dealing with reptiles/amphibians – cold until they get lethargic, freeze.
Unfortunately, this... Is not where it ends. He proceeds to explain that he eats them. Like, he keeps them and then cleans them and eats them.
Okay, I’m grossed but glad I haven’t eaten anything unknown, but this is a thing they do in places.
Okay, I’m grossed but glad I haven’t eaten anything unknown, but this is a thing they do in places.
He then proceeds to show me the collection of eggs he has – eggs collected from the guts of female iguanas he’s cleaned. Kind of feel like this is serial killer shit now, but he’s a marine biologist and has been going on for hours about the dying reefs so clearly not a sociopath.
*Psychopath
Anyways, the final straw:
He then tells me that he likes to skin the iguanas and treat them with glycerin to basically tan them, and showed me his collection of iguana skins. Little and large sheets and patches of these greenish-hued, scaly skin.
Anyways, the final straw:
He then tells me that he likes to skin the iguanas and treat them with glycerin to basically tan them, and showed me his collection of iguana skins. Little and large sheets and patches of these greenish-hued, scaly skin.
The purpose of these skins? Decorative, perhaps? Trophies?
No. He was making himself a thong. Out of iguana skins.
After that he was going to make a mask.
I still distinctly recall him putting one on his cheek, and making some weird ass noise and joking around with it.
No. He was making himself a thong. Out of iguana skins.
After that he was going to make a mask.
I still distinctly recall him putting one on his cheek, and making some weird ass noise and joking around with it.
TLDR: Marine biologist caught some iguanas then showed me his collection of skins, which he was going to use to make a thong and mask for himself.
Never saw him again after that.
Never saw him again after that.
@threadreaderapp Unroll please
