Thread by @rachelnabors

When I’m frustrated with someone, I try to imagine they are doing the best they can and think of ways forward from that perspective. It’s different from “assume good intentions”—sometimes what is “good” differs between people.

Example: your date stands you up.

Assuming good intentions: “Well they probably tried to be here but couldn’t make it for reasons.”

Believing they’re trying the best they can: “Well, they might not have the bandwidth to date right now and can’t cop to that.”

Example: new person aggressively taking over your projects.

Assuming good intentions: “This can’t be hostile. I’m just being defensive. I should try to share more.”

Assuming trying their best: “Wow. That’s a lot to take on. Why are they doing so much? Do they need help?”

Assuming good intentions can lead to you gaslighting yourself. I tried this for the first few years of my career. Would not recommend.

Assuming people are trying THEIR best means an empathetic “what is motivating them to do this possibly harmful thing?” line of thought.

That guy who hates every design you show him? Assuming positive intent could mean internalizing a biased negger’s abuse as “helpful” feedback. Assuming he’s doing the best he can means realizing he’s spending an inordinate amount of time on a tiny design for Reasons.

That leads to the next question: “Wow, you’re spending so much time on this tiny design. Why?”

Now you get to learn about them: is it super important? Do they want to teach you something? Do they have a severe perfectionist streak?

Keep asking. They’ll learn things, too.

There have been times when I wish people hadn’t assumed positive intent from me because it meant making the wrong assumptions: “She must not have read the terms” is not the same as “we’ve updated the terms a lot, and legacy/transient participants like her struggle to keep up.”

I’m not always coming from a positive place. I don’t expect others are. A dog who thinks her puppies are threatened has no positive intent in her snarl. It’s a warning of violence. Don’t assume she’s trying to be nice and pet her. She’s doing her best to protect her puppies.

A story.

When I was in Amsterdam, sometimes a local store clerk would rag on me, “When are you going to learn Dutch?” I was going through so much at the time. My Dutch textbook I had lovingly bought sat neglected while I was on the phone with the US late each night.

I had wanted to learn the language, to immerse myself in it and really dig in. But the divorce, my father’s death, they were constant erosions of my time for work, friends, the Netherlands. Like the ocean, washing away chunks of my time with every ride.

I remember laying into a clerk once for clucking at me about not knowing Dutch yet. “My father is dead. My husband is gone. I have been here only 5 months and I cry every night. I’m doing the best I can.”

They couldn’t stop apologizing.

I told them to remember it the next time someone new to the country struggled with the language.

Trust that everyone is doing the best they can. Sometimes you can’t see what’s dragging them under. Just being new in town is hard enough.

Most people are more polite than I am. They won’t pony up the things that hold them so readily. You gotta trust that people are doing the best they can.