Thread by @rachelnabors

Been mulling on this the past couple of months. Most of my life I've been hung up on what I SHOULD be, editing myself to fit some image of who I thought I was/was meant to be: a cartoonist, a designer, a speaker, an expert. But that really hasn't served me well over the years.

"I SHOULD be making comics because I won awards for them and have so many fans" blinded me to the joys of the code I was writing for years. It was only when I let go of comics and started arting in my code that I realized I could create in more than one medium.

"I MUST live in this location" ruled out other locations that would've had other opportunities and friends.

"I AM the kind of person who stays in a relationship" kept me longer than healthy.

"I'm NOT cut out for that job" ensured I never knew if I was.

Self-limiting statements like "I am a this or that" are like labels and directive like "I should do that" are forcing functions we don't realize we use to coerce and prune ourselves into shapes we think will get us through life, keep us safe, or take us where we want to go.

But more often than not, were just hacking off pieces of ourselves as we run from deep fears, like a lizard losing its tail to evade a predator.

Letting go of the labels you use on yourself is the hardest thing.

Letting go of who you think you should be, the kind of person you believe you are, the things you think you want, they are all hard.

Even positive limiting statements like "I'm a nice person" can fuck you up in the long run: when someone challenges you and points out how maybe you aren't so nice from their point of view, it's easy to lash out to protect your ego or collapse because "it can't be true, can it?"

"I'm a strong person" revokes your permission to be weak.

"I'm a kind person" coerces you into self-sacrifice.

"I want to retire to Amsterdam" means you don't get to experience Berlin.

Lately, I've been saying things like, "London has been difficult to adjust to" rather than "I don't like London." As a teen I would have loved it. As a person coming out of the rubble of my old life, it's kinda grim. But I don't know that most other cities wouldn't be right now.

It's not fair to paint the city with the tint of my own circumstances. Who knows, in six months, I might think it's the best place ever. Probably won't. But if I don't label it as "bad place," I leave that door open for a future Rachel.

This goes for people, too.

So I find myself in a place of, "Well,let's do our best and see what happens."

I'm not trying to exert control out of fear. I'm not trying to shape myself into something that can survive.

I'm just going forward knowing what happens happens and we adapt