Alright, it’s Valentine’s Day, I didin’t make a dinner reservation in time and all five good restaurants are booked , and the only thing in my pantry is a bag of potato chips and half a red onion. Time to work some magic! 
The most important thing here is to not panic. Dig into your cellar for a bottle to keep any irate guests occupied. Here’s a 1989 late-harvest Alsatian gewurztraminer- still unbelievably fresh and floral for a 30-year old wine, and dry enough on the palate to serve as aperitif.
Alright, I’m running out of ideas now. Chop the onion... there’s some cream cheese that’s a little turned in the fridge? Maybe some of those preserved egg yolks from the freezer?
Alright, now remove the caviar from the insulated Styrofoam box it shipped in. You should have ordered 1-2 ounces per person yesterday via priority overnight shipping to ensure freshness. Money saving tip: off-brand Ziplock bags work just as well as the real thing!
Crush some ice, plate, and serve. When you’re done, just go to Chipotle and order a chicken three-pointer, they’re cheap on a $/g protein basis.
