My Twitter feed for the last day has been people sounding off on "incels" because I said I don't like the term used as an insult. I've realized that people really know very little about these communities, just the snippets they see on TV.
Up until 2013-2014, incels, (at one point also referred to as "wizard lifestyle") were seen as so pitiable that even trolls left them alone - they were considered an extremely high suicide risk. It wasn't until the Isla Vista shootings that suddenly incels were "dangerous".
Now, at first glance, the stuff these incels write is horrifying. But it's really not much different than, say, the SCUM manifesto (that was deemed "just a literary device" even though author Valerie Solaris attempted to kill Andy Warhol.)
It's one thing to point out that incel message boards absolutely do not help those guys solve their issues with loneliness. It reads as a defeated attempt to make loneliness seem less bad, because there are reasons that "aren't their fault" It doesn't work. Loneliness feels bad
But this unique focus on incels as somehow being uniquely dangerous or awful... there's just no evidence of that. Only a handful have been violent and they all had myriad other very serious disturbances. A deranged person's stated motive isn't what actually caused them to kill.
Now the incel idea that women deemed unattractive should be forced to have sex with people they're not attracted to is a ridiculous concept. It just shows how much percieved sexual desirability is linked to some people's self worth. THAT is what needs to change.
If there wasn't this huge pressure to be sexually desirable, people wouldn't need online communities to deal with the feeling that no one wants to have sex with you. It's not about the actual act. It's about being wanted. Otherwise a prostitute would solve the problem.
I admit that I'm well beyond sick of the unhealthy depictions of sexuality in media. People screw their friends, even though it puts tension on the friendship. People screw strangers and keep doing it even though many turn out to be murderers. I mean, really? That's stupid.
Media really makes sex out to be the only thing that REALLY matters in life, instead of making sex a fun byproduct of healthy intimate relationships. But the crucial thing is the intimate relationship. Now for someone self-actualized, we know this despite media.
But many people aren't self-actualized, & before they get there they descend into collectivist online identity. They're an incel or anon or whatever instead of being an individual who is seen & valued for their unique characteristics. Of course that messes with someone's head.
But the other thing collectivist online identities does is gives moral license to not see those users as people. The cycle of dehumanization beats down everyone involved, and I won't be a part of that. Those ARE PEOPLE even if you can't see them.
To me, incels are indications that something is very wrong in our society, because no one should feel THAT BAD that they're still a virgin in their 20s. So what? It wasn't a priority. GOOD. You're better off. Teenaged sex is awkward, guilt-ridden, & often just trying to conform.
So I can object to the awful things incels write and still see them as human beings. I really think it's best to go back to the pre-2014 standard and just leave those guys alone in the hope that they'll come out of that pit. Beating on them only pushes them further down.
If you want to pick on someone, there's plenty of political surrogate gasbags pushing policies that cause way more harm. Or maybe just don't pick on people, because that's being a bully. Either way, I am more convinced than ever that using "incel" as an insult is not okay.
If you think someone is being misogynist, call them THAT. Leave their personal sexual status out of it. Too much pressure is put on everyone to have sex to prove their worth. It leads to unhealthy relationships with the entire idea of sex.
