Thread by @redlianak

Okay story time.
In a private chat on Facebook yesterday, as part of a group I belong to, someone solicited for articles for a new website. I immediately, being the go getter that I am, pitched an idea that involved the forms of feminism I support.

A guy I'd never had anything to do with decides to chime in and announce he "Hopes it's the good kind of feminism". I immediately pointed out that this was an emotional response, because the form of feminism I was mentioning was completely in line with the ethics of the group

Of course he immediately got nasty, and the moderators of the group got involved, trying to reason with him. They were both men. At that point, it was as if I was invisible to this guy. He only responded to the men. (This is pretty typical when these things happen, btw)

The guy ended up rage quitting the group, then blasting it in public, in doing so he changed the story. He claimed he was told that as a man he wasn't allowed to criticize feminism, which was not so. He was told he didn't get to DEFINE feminism for individuals involved with it.

The moderators, of course, engaged with him to defend their group, as anyone would feel inclined to do. I sat back and watched as the guy just kept misrepresenting what had happened. I knew getting involved again would only make things worse.

The moderators both apologized to me profusely and felt terrible about it, which I appreciated but it still made me feel awful myself. Offering an idea for an online story should not result in sadness because some guy can't behave. But too many people just can't behave.

These things should be simple but on the internet they're not, because it is so easy to destroy someone's reputation with lies. Even with hard evidence of those lies, some people just never see the proof in favour of the truth because they've already turned away.

So many people are just deciding to withdraw from public participation instead of being a potential flashpoint for good people getting destroyed. So the only people who participate are... Mostly not very good people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and other very damaged individuals.

There's no law or policy that will fix this. The only thing that will make this the least bit better is a personal commitment from every individual to make honesty count. To trust but verify, don't lie because you're angry, admit mistakes, and don't tolerate lying in others.

If you watch someone lie, especially brazenly, it's not the only lie they've told, and association with that person will eventually hurt you. There's no ability to use a person like that pragmatically. They will get caught lying and you will be damaged for your association.

I give people the benefit of the doubt that they're simply mistaken. But there's a threshold after which it's clear they are not interested in the truth. There is no grey area there. They are a liar. This has to matter.

Sometimes people are so blinded by years of lying to themselves that they are deluded. They can no longer even see the truth. These people are not people you should feel sorry for. These are people you need to get away from because they will burn you.

Our current social problems are not because people believe different things. They're because the truth no longer matters on a macro scale. Telling the truth is seen as naïve, even stupid. People aren't people, they're a collection of labels others have slapped on them.

Everyone is so afraid of being labeled that they do things against their self-interest, feeling like they have to, but every action must be a choice or we are not free. And freedom is essential for the soul.

No one has the right, through coercion or outright threats, to take away your choices or silence you. But it happens too often anyway. Am I going to write that article now? No way in hell. It wasn't a paying gig and it was already too much trouble to do for free.

People go crazy trying to fight the world on a daily basis. There must be space for every individual who is willing to come to the table with an honest, open mind and a willingness to learn. In order to make that space, the liars have to go.

Not every conversation is going to have proof one way or another so the person making a claim bears the onus of proof. You can't just label someone as evil based on your feelings & expect that to stand. But, things happen behind closed doors, so a history of truthfulness matters

I've heard a lot of "they're an SJW" "they're a gater" as reasons not to believe someone. This is identity politics. Have you known them personally to lie? THAT'S what matters, not their political affiliation. I know honest conservatives and liberals and dishonest ones.

Differences of opinion are fine and healthy. They make us all better. Resorting to personal attacks & lying to win an argument makes everyone weaker. Exhausted. Hopeless. STOP IT. People can change but I'm tired of people supporting known liars because they're on the "same side"

An honest person who disagrees with you respectfully is a better friend than someone you agree with politically but u know is dishonest. This should be common sense but it isn't. And so here we are. There are still things from years ago people believe about me that aren't true.

Furthermore, I'm held accountable for another person's dishonesty because we're loosely connected ideologically in people's minds. It's harder for me to make and share content because other people "like me" behaved badly. That also robs us of individualism.

I want truth and individual character to matter again. I'm tired of being sorted into collectives and branded based on things that aren't my own words and actions. And I'm sick to death of people putting words in my mouth and thoughts in my head. I'm tired of all the distrust.

I'm sure you are too, which is why I focus just on the people who want to sincerely have a conversation and not waste time on people so angry they just want to destroy. Life is too short. I want the good people to matter more than the dishonest people, for obvious reasons.

But I'm REALLY tired today. A lot of people are tired. You can shrug off so much and then the petty stuff just gets to you because it's not been balanced with fun and joy... Because things that used to just be dumb fun now MAKE STATEMENTS.

We're all overworked and exhausted and worn out. So remember that and stop attacking members of some arbitrary out group. Talking to them might result in a new friend.