A snark-filled live-tweeting of Commander Babyfingers in Pensacola.
Settle in, for the biting commentary starts now...
Why shouldn't they be? An hour of unhinged Trump free-association is Idiot Christmas.
The Pensacola crowd looks somewhere between heavily sedated and of low general intellect. Color me unsurprised.
Real News: TREASONY TREASONISH TREASON!
Fox News right now (seriously): An FBI agent went to a Christmas party once that somehow had something to do with Hillary Clinton.
It's inane, insane and bad for the brain. See: 2016 Election for proof.
Trump is in Pensacola tonight because it's very close to Alabama yet *technically* in Florida.
Trump is under the impression Americans possess neither maps nor Google nor an understanding of basic geography.
Geography is not the mans best category on Jeopardy.
This is a Trump Deluxe. So stupid it hurts.
In fact, I'm about to double down.
This is a necessary precaution. It takes 120 minutes of IPA to get through 60 minutes of Trump.
Who said Fox News doesn't embrace diversity?
Don't judge. I swear I have an actual degree in English - though there are limits to the benefits of a state school education.
When I'm someday reduced to being little more than a drooling babbler, tell people it all started in Pensacola.
Julius Seize-her has entered the arena..
This requires no further explication.
Apparently, Yankee Doodle Dandy decided to garb himself up as Tucker Carlson's city cousin and hit up a campus coffee house. It didn't go well. He's quite upset.
After all, this man has suffered. First, someone forced him to wear a star-spangled bow tie and then some people were mean to him while he waited for his mochacino.
Humans lose consciousness within minutes of the brain being deprived of oxygen. Fox News has a similar effect.
The audience, on the other hand, is at least 50-years away from the present.
(note: it may have just been one blonde women and more costume changes than a Beyoncé concert)
His face is a garish palette of autumnal excess. All reds and oranges. Bob Ross would not approve.
(Note: No, there most certainly is not.)
His face is freaking orange.
Not fake-tan orange. The kind of orange that usually suggests a beta carotene issue.
Two minutes in and he has already hit: Christmas, taxes, crowd sizes, 401ks and making America first.
1) The news is quite fake.
2) ABC's Ross drove the market down 300 points (note: it closed down 40 pts)
3) That somehow proves people like him
4) He's really good at stuff
This is like watching a racist toddler free associate.
Guess what? The stock market is up.
Judging from the array of summer teeth in the crowd (some 're there, some aren't) I'm guessing they're not the Charles Schwab types.
Note: Florida is one of the most successful ACA markets in the country. The crowd is literally clapping for the destruction of the system many of them rely upon to do things like... not die.
Said he's gonna cancel trade deals because then countries will rush to negotiate before they expire. Umm, no... and no.
Every speech is like this. It's like listening to a book on tape in fast-forward.
Words. No coherent plot.
This is what is known among economists as a "absurd lie as told by a moron".
Ever hear a small child excitedly talk in their sleep? They sound like freaking Chaucer compared to this rambling buffoon.
Judging from tonight's speech thus far, that puts Koko about 800 words up on Donald J. Trump.
These people apparently loved 2016 and have been largely unconscious throughout 2017.
This was poor planning.
Camera cuts to crowd. Every dude you'd expect to find in a White Castle drive-thru takes off their hat to wave it at Donnie.
This is like "Simon Says" but for dumb people.
I am going to assume that this is either 1) untrue or 2) whomever succeeds will take the necessary steps to evict Pensacola from the union.
Just cited French President Emmanuel Macron as if it was his idea (despite having not been elected yet).
Who's gonna tell him?
Marmalade McGee is describing an ancient fuel source as if it is a kilo of coke delivered in a briefcase.
Folks, there's your sound bite.
Just like in Alabama speech, you can feel the crowd vitriol and predict what the media will pick up. This was it.
"Man who inherited millions extols virtues of 'merit-based system'"
The man has no self-awareness. He's also a profound idiot.
This is a klan rally.
He attracts loathsome imbeciles like an electromagnet in a roomful of marginally literate iron shavings.
Somebody's gotta tune in and watch closely to back me up here. Something is definitely going on with his lower mouth.
They better get this guy a full medical. This is not a well man.
Just claimed that we have taken in billions of dollars from other countries paying their share of NATO.
This gif rebuts that.
While away momentarily, I may slam my head in the door just to feel normal again.
Back to our broadcast of "Live from the Lunatic Fringe"....
This speech was ostensibly supposed to be a de facto campaign rally for Roy Moore but Trump isn't having it...
He issued only perfunctory "Rah-rah-racist! Go Roy!" stuff.
This is all about a deeply disordered man trying in vain to fill the bottomless well of his vacant soul.
...and right on cue, he's claiming he "won in a landslide".
Claims there is a huge crowd outside dying to get in.
Umm, Don. I've seen subway performers draw bigger crowds.
...and by "Elvis" I mean "Trump" and by "the building" I mean "Planet Earth".
He's off the prompter and utterly unmoored now.
He's spinning like Beetlejuice in a manic word salad of random stats about how big the crowd was in Michigan one night in 2016 and how much Hillary spent.
While upsetting, I'm going to totally skate on some overdue library books, so there's that.
I'm not opposed to you putting in a good word with your higher being on my behalf as well.
These people would applaud a live-stream of a colonoscopy if it were Trump getting tunneled.
Bizarre and surreal.
I've heard more-compelling speeches by my bank's automated phone system.
Press 2 for hackneyed catchphrases comprised solely of one-syllable words
...and as is his bizarre tradition, he ushers out the crowd with an ironically honest soundtrack of "Can't Always Get What You Want".
That... was... rough...
His speeches concuss the human brain. They are an aural punch to the old noggin.
They dumbify a person.... well, assuming they didn't arrive already in that state.
That was... something.