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The Hoarse Whisperer @HoarseWisperer
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...and we're off.

A snark-filled live-tweeting of Commander Babyfingers in Pensacola.

Settle in, for the biting commentary starts now...
Donnie Duncecap has yet to arrive but Fox News is all a'titter.

Why shouldn't they be? An hour of unhinged Trump free-association is Idiot Christmas.

The Pensacola crowd looks somewhere between heavily sedated and of low general intellect. Color me unsurprised.
Fox News killing time by reporting on the absolute inverse of the week's actual news.

Real News: TREASONY TREASONISH TREASON!

Fox News right now (seriously): An FBI agent went to a Christmas party once that somehow had something to do with Hillary Clinton.
I won't even bother keeping you fine people abreast of the bizarre perversion of current events I'm enduring here.

It's inane, insane and bad for the brain. See: 2016 Election for proof.
Instead of dwelling, let's set up the eve's Festival of Lunacy.

Trump is in Pensacola tonight because it's very close to Alabama yet *technically* in Florida.

Trump is under the impression Americans possess neither maps nor Google nor an understanding of basic geography.
Then again, this is the same man who seemed to be truly astounded to discover that the land mass known as Puerto Rico happens to be quite islandy and is surrounded by water,

Geography is not the mans best category on Jeopardy.
Tonight is technically a "campaign appearance" for Trump while actually a campaign appearance for Roy Moore - who Trump famously didn't back in the primaries.
So, a guy who isn't a candidate is backing a guy who wasn't his candidate at an event which isn't a campaign rally to support a campaign he rallied against.

This is a Trump Deluxe. So stupid it hurts.
...and now Fox News is killing time with a split-screen of identical blond women whose vapidity can only be differentiated by watching whose mouth is moving.
Trump is late. I can only assume he is off somewhere doing his usual prep - which I imagine consists of having an aide jam Big Macs down his gullet much in the way one might load a Civil War-era cannon.
On an unrelated note, I am 90% of the way through a Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA beer which is both glorious and likely to add a certain biting edge to the tweets to come. I make no apologies for this.

In fact, I'm about to double down.
Meanwhile in Pensacola, the crowd has their heads bowed in what may be either a moment of prayer or some kind of group hypnosis required to make adults clap at the insane ramblings of a pumpkin-faced loon.
You'll be happy to know I have indeed opened a second Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPA.

This is a necessary precaution. It takes 120 minutes of IPA to get through 60 minutes of Trump.
Breaking news: Fox News does indeed have one female commentator who does not have long blonde hair. Her hair, while still blonde, is rather short.

Who said Fox News doesn't embrace diversity?
(side note while we wait: forgive typos and such. Imma gonna type without proofreading.)

Don't judge. I swear I have an actual degree in English - though there are limits to the benefits of a state school education.
While waiting, I'm entering into a meditative state so as to best prepare myself for the assault on healthy brain function I'm about to endure.

When I'm someday reduced to being little more than a drooling babbler, tell people it all started in Pensacola.
...and here we go.

Julius Seize-her has entered the arena..
Trump looks every bit as debonair as a bag of wet laundry stuffed into a funeral suit.
Babyfingers is soaking up the pomp as if he was walking into the U.N General Assembly and not some Pensacola arena where a big Friday act is Monster Truck Jam XXVII.
In their last minutes of filler, Fox News is interviewing this guy.

This requires no further explication.
Okay, why not... we've got a few minutes,

Apparently, Yankee Doodle Dandy decided to garb himself up as Tucker Carlson's city cousin and hit up a campus coffee house. It didn't go well. He's quite upset.
Thankfully, Blonde Lady #274 is quite sympathetic to his plight.

After all, this man has suffered. First, someone forced him to wear a star-spangled bow tie and then some people were mean to him while he waited for his mochacino.
Okay, it appears I've been a victim of some cruel disinformation. It's 7:52 and I've now endured Fox News for 52 minutes unnecessarily.

Humans lose consciousness within minutes of the brain being deprived of oxygen. Fox News has a similar effect.
Fun-fact: Pensacola is a mere 25 miles from the Alabama border.

The audience, on the other hand, is at least 50-years away from the present.
For the record, in just this one hour, I've encountered Karl Rove, Corey Lewandowski, Tucker Carlson, approximately 6.2 million blonde women and nary a single fact.

(note: it may have just been one blonde women and more costume changes than a Beyoncé concert)
Finally, America's empty bucket has filled up on enough crowd love to take to the stage and commence his slow murder of the English language.
The Prince of Poor Diction has stepped to the podium.

His face is a garish palette of autumnal excess. All reds and oranges. Bob Ross would not approve.
As is his custom, Trump has his necktie tied so poorly, it looks like a crude escape device fastened out of bed sheets to help some pocket mouse rapel down to his shoe tops.
Trump opens... I kid you not... by alleging there is a large audience outside.

(Note: No, there most certainly is not.)
Donnie seriously looks like a 13-year old who gave it his all but finished a distant second in a pumpkin pie-eating contest.

His face is freaking orange.

Not fake-tan orange. The kind of orange that usually suggests a beta carotene issue.
Trump already in full stride hopping from topic to topic like a radio in scan mode.

Two minutes in and he has already hit: Christmas, taxes, crowd sizes, 401ks and making America first.
Apparently, the crowd has been carefully conditioned with some meat powder because in true Pavlovian fashion, they burst into chants of "U-S-A" at even the hint of a racist, xenophobic reference.
Trump now going into a full, Loco McLogo jag about how:

1) The news is quite fake.
2) ABC's Ross drove the market down 300 points (note: it closed down 40 pts)
3) That somehow proves people like him
4) He's really good at stuff
Insta-analysis: When Trump is this unhinged this early in a speech, it suggests he knows he's about as popular as an icy speculum.
Crowd now chanting "Build the wall"... which, naturally, makes Trump think of... Cubans. Racism --> Florida ---> Cubans.

This is like watching a racist toddler free associate.
Hey, guys.

Guess what? The stock market is up.

Judging from the array of summer teeth in the crowd (some 're there, some aren't) I'm guessing they're not the Charles Schwab types.
Trump touting the repeal of the individual mandate. The crowd applauds wildly.

Note: Florida is one of the most successful ACA markets in the country. The crowd is literally clapping for the destruction of the system many of them rely upon to do things like... not die.
Mr. Art of the Deal - the guy who said his secret weapon is not saying what he's gonna do - just said what he's gonna do.

Said he's gonna cancel trade deals because then countries will rush to negotiate before they expire. Umm, no... and no.
He of the Tiny Digits just bounced from claiming he beat Hillary in a landslide to alleging "black home ownership is at an all-time high".

Every speech is like this. It's like listening to a book on tape in fast-forward.

Words. No coherent plot.
Trump now alleging that wages are going up for the first time in 20 years.

This is what is known among economists as a "absurd lie as told by a moron".
Now on to ISIS... and back to immigration.

Ever hear a small child excitedly talk in their sleep? They sound like freaking Chaucer compared to this rambling buffoon.
Fun-fact: Koko, the famous lowland gorilla, learned 1,000 words of American Sign Language.

Judging from tonight's speech thus far, that puts Koko about 800 words up on Donald J. Trump.
So far, the crowd has chanted "Lock Her Up" "Build That Wall" and "U-S-A".

These people apparently loved 2016 and have been largely unconscious throughout 2017.
Note: my second Dogfish Head IPA has been nearly extinguished. I should have packed a cooler.

This was poor planning.
Trump says "See all those red hats. I love those hats."

Camera cuts to crowd. Every dude you'd expect to find in a White Castle drive-thru takes off their hat to wave it at Donnie.

This is like "Simon Says" but for dumb people.
Trump now claiming Pensacola is the reason why he won Florida.

I am going to assume that this is either 1) untrue or 2) whomever succeeds will take the necessary steps to evict Pensacola from the union.
I kid you not... Trump is talking about the Paris Accord as if he truly thinks it was a deal proposed by France.

Just cited French President Emmanuel Macron as if it was his idea (despite having not been elected yet).
Man, it's gonna absolutely blow Trump's mind to learn french fries aren't French.

Who's gonna tell him?
Trump now claiming that Vietnam received a shipment of West Virginia coal and were just blown away by how great it was.

Marmalade McGee is describing an ancient fuel source as if it is a kilo of coke delivered in a briefcase.
Note to self: next time, pack at least three beers and perhaps an astronaut diaper.
Commander Babyfingers now firing racist red meat into the crowd the way someone with a t-shirt gun fires cheap t-shirts at circus-goers.
In one disordered ramble salad of bigoted brain vomit, he just hit up Kate Steinle, chain migration, the guy who ran his car into the crowd in NY and gun violence in Chicago...
So, if you're keeping score at home, America is imperiled by Latino Muslim mid-westerners whose relatives kinda want to live here too.
"The illegal alien drug dealers, the gangs, the thieves... we're throwing them out of the country or putting them in prison."

Folks, there's your sound bite.

Just like in Alabama speech, you can feel the crowd vitriol and predict what the media will pick up. This was it.
Onion headline of this segment of the speech:

"Man who inherited millions extols virtues of 'merit-based system'"

The man has no self-awareness. He's also a profound idiot.
I have to say, this speech is less profoundly unhnged than his Alabama speech was... but it's much more of a throwback to his campaign trail mega-flinging of bilious hate.
...and right on cue, he pivots to Roy Moore.

This is a klan rally.
This man is the Pied Piper of Idiots.

He attracts loathsome imbeciles like an electromagnet in a roomful of marginally literate iron shavings.
Trump just garbled a word... Uh-oh... I wonder if Donnie Denture is about to part company with his lower plate here.
It isn't as glaring as his infamous slurfest this week but something is subtly off here. Too much jaw and mouth work to form certain words. Weird lip action (even for man whose expressions are an affront when at his best).
Yeah, something is up here... the longer his speech goes on, the more certain words become less crisp.

Somebody's gotta tune in and watch closely to back me up here. Something is definitely going on with his lower mouth.
He is working too hard to form words. Something is wrong with this man.

They better get this guy a full medical. This is not a well man.
In between sucking hard for breaths through his nose, Babyfingers is spraying nonsense.

Just claimed that we have taken in billions of dollars from other countries paying their share of NATO.

This gif rebuts that.
The Prince of Pumpkin is now playing back a fictional conversation he alleges he had with "An-guh-la" Merkel of Germany where - according to his telling - he shook her down for more UN money like Donnie Dimante of the Gambino Family.
On that note, when two beers go in, eventually two beers must come out. It's a zero-sum game.

While away momentarily, I may slam my head in the door just to feel normal again.
Ok, that was so quick, it might lead you to question whether I washed my hands. Let's just assume I did.

Back to our broadcast of "Live from the Lunatic Fringe"....
Ya know what's notable?

This speech was ostensibly supposed to be a de facto campaign rally for Roy Moore but Trump isn't having it...

He issued only perfunctory "Rah-rah-racist! Go Roy!" stuff.
This is vintage Narcissistic Baby-in-Chief.

This is all about a deeply disordered man trying in vain to fill the bottomless well of his vacant soul.

...and right on cue, he's claiming he "won in a landslide".
Fact-check:
Trump now claiming that his deranged fiesta of brain-vomit is a bigger draw than Woodstock.

Claims there is a huge crowd outside dying to get in.

Umm, Don. I've seen subway performers draw bigger crowds.
Folks, Elvis has left the building...

...and by "Elvis" I mean "Trump" and by "the building" I mean "Planet Earth".

He's off the prompter and utterly unmoored now.
Trump has entirely abandoned his speech. He is quite literally replaying the 2016 election.

He's spinning like Beetlejuice in a manic word salad of random stats about how big the crowd was in Michigan one night in 2016 and how much Hillary spent.
This insanity is slowly the life out of me. I can feel the life force slowly draining...

While upsetting, I'm going to totally skate on some overdue library books, so there's that.
While I may or may not be generally agnostic when it comes to matters of organized religion, I am feverishly praying that this will soon to be brought to a merciful close.

I'm not opposed to you putting in a good word with your higher being on my behalf as well.
Trump now prompting his hangar full of low-information lemmings to clap for the glories of a reduced corporate tax rate.

These people would applaud a live-stream of a colonoscopy if it were Trump getting tunneled.

Bizarre and surreal.
Trump trying to get back on prompter and bring it home with a rousing dose of patriotism.

I've heard more-compelling speeches by my bank's automated phone system.
Press 1 for insane ramblings by a bloviating, cartoonish sack of dumb-dumb

Press 2 for hackneyed catchphrases comprised solely of one-syllable words
Thankfully, Trump is done...

...and as is his bizarre tradition, he ushers out the crowd with an ironically honest soundtrack of "Can't Always Get What You Want".
I am now going to soak myself in a bath of liquid nitrogen and lye just to ward off whatever contagions that just exposed me to...

That... was... rough...
Man, oh man. That was both not as bad and worse than his Alabama rally.

His speeches concuss the human brain. They are an aural punch to the old noggin.

They dumbify a person.... well, assuming they didn't arrive already in that state.
Anyway, thank you for riding along during that bumpy sojourn into America's clap-happy underbelly known as a Trump rally.

That was... something.
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