Thread by @RemingtonWild

Given all this "Aziz Ansari was a creep to Grace but she kept letting him do stuff so she consented and it's not rape" takes, what would you do If I told you there's a movie scene shows and simulates what this looks like?
You'll never guess who it's by, and who produced it

People are already getting in on the bottom floor when it comes to examining Weinstein properties in light of how he treated women, and GRINDHOUSE is the first up.
Only for my example, it's scenes in DEATH PROOF that demonstrates coercion the best broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/…

In DEATH PROOF, Vanessa Ferlito plays a tough talkin, southern twang swinging gal who doesn't suffer men and says things like "you have to bust their balls so they don't think you're easy"
She is tough, assertive, and displays the qualities Grace is accused of lacking

This is important, because DEATH PROOF starts with a band of women exemplifying the qualities we say women should cultivate, only for them to fall prey not just to a psycho in a car, but by guys trying to get them drunk to "get with them"

Let me set the scene. Alrene and her girls are out, and the whole trip her friends have been teasing her. She's on edge, when her bf shows up, scares her, then laughs it off and asks if they can make out. She says "What? Outside? It's ficking pouring. No way" and he goes

Did you catch that? Because a lot of guys and girls watching this didn't.
She said she's not in the mood. She said no way.
A man who cares about her, about respecting her in the real world should stop there.
But instead he tries to bargain with her.
Red Flag

What we've seen her is a guy knowingly ignore her words, and even though she takes no shit, she's still being drawn into a negotiation about making out with him.
This movie is not realistic, but these scenes are utterly familiar to many women and men

Here's the thing though, while her words are clearly "no" this whole scene plays with her bf blocking her path, her protests met with a condescending "just hear me out"
You can watch her wear down, and knowing this is how she feels about sex it's kind of uncomfortable

This whole scene begins at 0:20:53 with him grabbing her shoulder unannounced, not a good way to see if your gf is feeling enthusiastic about making out mind you. She feels different about him when he's not pressuring her

The scene lasts almost a minute from when she says "let's go back inside." The whole time he is standing in front of her, giving her this desperate, pathetic look.
Then he doubles down in the most whiny, entitled, and "hilarious" way I've ever seen on film

What we're seeing here is how women are forced to navigate out of a situation after a man doesn't listen to them. She is throwing up roadblock after roadblock, but instead of thinking she's not interested, Nate JUST. KEEPS. WHININING

He will not listen, he's shown that he's thought ahead by bringing the umbrella, and she's angry but she's about to go off for a weekend without him.
So what does a tough, take-no-shit girl do in the face of him pressuring to make out?

Arlene gives in. She doesn't try to walk past him, because it feels like he might stop her and then what would she do?
She's not horny, or happy, what she is is is exasperated.
And Nate gives no sign of caring, he's just grateful he wore her down

This is how Quentin Tarantino describes Omar Doom, the actor playing Nate, and how he saw the character who whines and ignores his other female character's protests to get her to make out with him.
This is what we mean when we say men don't see coercion as a big deal

QT doesn't see Nate's behavior as a "big deal," because Arlene follows up her acquiescence with a list of demands that Nate readily agrees to, and which paint her as "not a victim" or at least not feeling like Grace reported.
She displays this later when Mike goads her into this

Can we classify this as assault, since anyone who watches can see she's under duress and hence is not giving informed consent?
Probably not, because he's not touching her. But can we say she was pressured into making out with him?
HELL FUCKING YES

But here's something to think on.
We don't see what goes on in the car with Arlene and Nate, and their power dynamic seems in her favor, so we assume they do six minutes in heaven and then they stop.
But imagine Arlene says stop, and Nate pulls her hand to his crotch...

She got into a car with a guy who was pressuring her, who doesn't seem to care she's not in the mood. All the warnings are there.
Should we assume it goes well?
Those calling on Grace to be "more responsible" would say she's walking into a bad situation
But we've seen why she did

As viewers, we are primed to beware other dangers. The stranger who waits for these women to get drunk so he can smash his phallic symbol into them. We do not expect a sniveling boyfriend's haggling for a kiss to be treated as a boundary Pushing act

Looking at the situation, we feel we know how to respond, yet we have seen why Arlene, tough, sensitive, hopeful Arlene, has found herself unsure and unwilling to scream or punch him.
We see it, we feel it, but it's when it's us, we can only think of how we'd do it differently

People look at Aziz Ansari, and aren't intimidated, but Grace said he kept putting her hand on his crotch, put his fingers in her mouth. Nate doesn't do any of that, and yet he exudes this certainty that he can ignore Alene's protests and get her to submit to him.

And Arlene is on a porch, steps away from her friends, all she'd have to do is yell. Now imagine you're in an acquaintances house, alone.
Tell me, if a strong woman can feel pressure on a porch in public, what's it like for a strong woman to be pressured with everyone so far away

Could Grace have said no, gotten up and walked to the door?
Could Arlene have said no, pushed past Nate, and walked back inside?
If they tried, what if Aziz/Nate had grabbed her again, told her she's being unfair?
The point is HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THIS FAR.

Nate should care that he's making her uncomfortable, that he's asking her alone, outside, and he's a man and she's nervous about having sex.
Aziz should care that they're alone, that they just met, that's she's a fan, and that she may have come up just on spur of the moment

And yet, neither man did.
Both pressured, cajoled, and physically imposed themselves on an awkward and inappropriate situation, on a woman who declined their advances verbally and non verbally, and who gave in because it was easier, and feel disrespected the entire time

Those calling on women to be "responsible" and to "realize what she thought was going to happen, going up to his house" are seeing just such a women in Arlene, and yet she gives in like they claim she wouldn't.
Because it is not the PERSON, it is the SITUATION they put her in

It is not just misguided to condemn Grace for giving in, for "letting herself be pushed," it is unthinking and cruel to ignore her recollections, her self-doubt, the knowledge she was alone and this man she'd liked was not listening to her.
That he might not stop.

In that moment, alone, and feeling shitty and like Aziz Ansari, THE Aziz who wrote books on romance and supported #MeToo, didn't care about how she felt, I imagine Grace's choice seemed conciliatory.
She was 23. Many women have felt these feelings before in their lives

She'd already said no, and he'd only stopped for a bit.
She could say no louder, and then have to deal with his indignation.
She could get up and head for the door, and risk him physically blocking her.
Or she could stay where she was and move her hand on his penis.
She was 23

If I ever have a child, I hope they are never in a situation like Grace or Arlene is in. I hope they chose respectful partners who care about their feelings and consider power dynamics.
But if one of those respectful partners turns uncaring, I will not judge how she handles it.

The public seems to look at what Grace experienced as evidence of her "frailty," her "irresponsibility." They think she should have been like The Bride, a strong, take-no-shit women who would put this man in his place for being such a creep

They can't accept that maybe, in this situation, she was not Beatrix Kiddo, but O-Ren as she watched her parents be overpowered, paralyzed and confused from the feeling of the event

We don't always get a choice if we're a victim, not when a perpetrator can block off all our exits and we physically fear escalation.
We sometimes get a choice how to deal with it.
But that decision is ours and ours alone.
Judging simply reveals how little we understand of it.

So, in conclusion. Grace being pressured by Aziz Sansari is obvious as Alene being cajoled by her bf in DEATH PROOF. People want to see an out without trying to understand the situation. Hell, Quentin Tarantino doesn't even seem to get these guys are dangerous like Mike

TV and film get to realize fantasies of control. They see situations around them and present a better world.
In doing so, we come to believe in that world more than reality sometimes. We forget how scary it can be to try and write our own scripts