Thread by @Dexbian

The most badass thing anyone has ever. Meet Stuart Semple.

Semple is an artist. He makes paints for people to use.

Now meet Anish Kapoor, aka Crapbag. You may or may not know him for making “The Chicago Bean”. This guy is rolling in money.

Lastly, meet Vantablack.
Vantablack is the blackest shade of paint ever created.

Now, how do these three come together? It’s an interesting story (and although it might not necessarily be “badass”, it’s a real good tale all the same).

It starts with Vantablack.

Vantablack is, as aforementioned, the darkest shade of paint ever made. It absorbs pretty much all light you shine at it, so to your eyes it looks like a literal hole in space.

The art world went wild. This wasn’t just any paint… this was new. This was different.

This is was something else. Everyone was excited.

That is, until Anish Kapoor bought the rights to artistically use Vantablack.

And what does that mean, I hear you ask?

Well, this means that no one except Anish Kapoor, and only Anish Kapoor, can legally use d paint Vantablack.

If you aren’t A.K. Crapbag himself, then you can’t use it.

Period.

That pissed people off, but they couldn’t do much about it. Kapoor is showered in cash. The rights to Vantablack went to him, and henceforth no one could use it except for A.K. Crapbag himself.

No one could so much as lift a finger.

No one, that is, except for Stuart Semple.

Did I mention that Semple is an artist?

Did I mention that he makes paints?

Yeah, Stuart Semple was pissed as hell. Screw Anish Kapoor.He was gonna do something about it.

So what did Semple do?

He made a new paint. It was the pinkest shade of paint in the world, available for every artist to buy online.

Available for everyone to buy, of course, except for Anish Kapoor.

If you wanted Pinkest Pink, then no problem. But first, you had to sign a contract stating that 1) you weren’t Anish Kapoor, and that 2) You didn’t work for him and wouldn’t buy him a jar of the stuff

Aha. Thought artists everywhere, rubbing their hands in glee. Good on you, Stuart Semple. That’s got him sorted, the douche.

Alas, no. That wasn’t the end of things.

Anish Kapoor was mad. Flaming mad. He absolutely had to get hold of Pinkest Pink, no matter what.

Don’t ask me how, but somehow, Anish Kapoor managed to send out a few of his minions. They went and somehow managed to buy Pinkest Pink. They then gave it to Kapoor, and now Kapoor had his greasy hands upon a jar of the stuff Semple had created.

It didn’t stop there, though.

This is what Anish Kapoor sent to Stuart Semple a little while later:

Yeah, that’s his middle finger.

Semple wasn’t fazed, though. Screw Kapoor and all, but he was gonna do something about that.

So he made another paint. It’s called diamond dust, and it’s made out of crushed glass.

And like before, everyone could use it and buy it.

Everyone, of course, except for Anish Kapoor.

I don’t think Kapoor got hold of Diamond Dust this time. Putting your middle finger into broken glass is hella nasty.

Semple didn’t stop there either. He made:

Greenest Green, unavailable to Anish Kapoor….

Yellowest Yellow, unavailable to Anish Kapoor…

Phaze, a color changing paint, unavailable to Anish Kapoor….

and Shift, a similar paint, also unavailable to Anish Kapoor.

Pretty roast-worthy, huh?

But even these paints weren’t the worst insults to Kapoor.

Semple made one other paint that should’ve pissed Kapoor off more than any of the above.

It’s Black 2.0, a paint that is slightly lighter in shade than Vantablack. However…

It looks pretty much the same as Vantablack
It can be applied like normal paint, whilst Vantablack has to be specially applied, with difficulty.
It’s not dangerous, which can’t be said for Vantablack.
It can be applied to most things, whilst Vantablack has serious limitations.

It actually smells like black cherries.
It’s available to everyone.
Everyone, of course, except for Anish Kapoor.

So put your hands together and give a standing ovation to the most badass artist ever, Stuart Semple.

Wow Stuart himself replied to my thread 😎😎

Much credit goes to Geraldine-Cheung.