I wanna say another thing about all these messages about the Feminine now being the leader in ushering in Christ Consciousness - or, in other words, the pendulum swing away from patriarchy led by the femme/queer folx and in particular the #metoo movement at the front lines:
While I'm all for the destruction of the patriarchy, obviously, I am not yet entirely comfortable with my role as leader.
I mentioned this last time:
I mentioned this last time:
Due to a lifetime of trauma, abuse, and gaslighting I constantly questioned my judgment. I don't know why I believed I couldn't be trusted not to fuck up. But clearly I did, bc thru the guise of BDSM I actively sought men who would fit the role of giving me explicit directions.
So when I hear that it's time for the Feminine to lead in the soul mission, I'm like... ok but how can I trust myself to know what I'm doing is a soul mission vs something my ego has created as a "soul mission" based on my selfish desires. What if I'm roping ppl into an illusion.
I only trust it as much as I do bc I know I didn't consciously create it. It unfolded based on the call of my heart and I went with it, and only in retrospect did it make sense. I would actually say I BLOCKED myself from accepting the reality of it out of "too good to be true."
I am also releasing A TON of benignly manipulative patterns where I would use positive reinforcement (eg, seduction - offer those around me pleasure) in order to effect outcomes. It wasn't harmful in a direct sense but it was a form of manipulation and it no longer serves.
So I am really trying to be as agenda-less as possible. I recognize that even the pleasurable bait of seduction may make it difficult for someone to say no, and I don't want a yes if it's not real, because a soul mission is always in alignment with a real "yes."
So what is the difference between manipulating towards an agenda and leading in a soul mission. That's the question.
My greatest fear is that I wake up one day and it was all in my head. That I'm just a crazy person with bizarre spiritual delusions of grandeur and I unconsciously cherry-picked "messages" from the universe in articles and readings that told me what I wanted to hear.
I followed my teachers' guidance to keep asking "what more is possible? how could this get even better?" So far it's served me because here I am but I also have no idea how to orient myself nor whether, at the end of the day, there is truth in the destiny I feel or just delusion.
I didn't want the Feminine to be the leader. I didn't want to have to trust my own judgment. I wanted to follow my masculine counterpart. I wanted his guidance so that the responsibility would fall on him. Because that's what I was programmed to believe was safe and wise.
Ok? That's really my best argument for these messages being true. Is that I don't really want them to be. And so I don't really think I'd be making them up. If I was going to make something up I think I'd probably make up something easier.
There is no question about whether I'm going to keep following this path - I'm too far down it to turn back. I'm just going to keep checking myself and make sure I'm following my heart. I am using such a light touch it's ridiculous.
Did you guys know that when I pulled cards 1.5yrs ago I thought I was going to have a child?? Haha. It turns out I was pregnant with an album. That's what I mean by it only started to make sense in hindsight. Taking the steps I felt called to and then seeing them retroactively.
Anyway. I'm just saying. Just because I choose to believe the messages I'm hearing doesn't always mean I'm happy about them. Ok? This wasn't MY agenda, is what I'm trying to say. If I'd had my way I'd still be meek and compliant.
It's hard even talking about this because even talking about it makes it real and I'm terrified of putting anyone into a narrative they didn't agree to. I just don't know how to differentiate between an imposed narrative and a soul contract.
People believe we entered this realm with soul contracts, things we are meant to do for/with others that we all agreed to before being born. Some of them are positive and some of them (eg trauma, abuse) are horrible invitations for us to see where we're failing to love ourselves.
[This is NOT a justification of abuse in the 3D, ok? Just because something teaches you an important lesson doesn't make it right in a just society. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and render unto God what is God's, got it?]
Anyway the reason I'm releasing so much seduction energy is that you never need to manipulate a soul contract. If you already agreed to it before birth it will happen. Some may not heed the call of their hearts but the circumstances will show up without your needing to interfere.
So like I said, some things only make sense in hindsight. So many things where I'm like, now I see why I did that. Even if at the time it felt random or unimportant or if maybe it felt super important in my heart but I couldn't tell why.
But I am SUPER CHECKING MYSELF. I am only doing what is in my heart. I'm releasing so much control. Hell most nights I stay home.
And I'm trusting that the path I see behind me, the things that unfolded as a result of following my heart, are what was meant by my destiny. But I wouldn't say I consciously created it. (Because again, I thought I was going to have a literal baby and that certainly didnt happen)
(Btw this fear probably also stems from my father yelling at me when I was 12 that I was "greedy greedy greedy, just like my mother," and my mother benignly if incessantly repeating it as a joke. I was taught that I couldn't trust myself to want things.)
(So like LET ME LIVE ok?? I'm trying to discern my destiny from my ego and believe me nobody is being more meticulous about that than me)
(I just think it's funny that I pulled these cards and saw "babymaker" because I honestly didn't believe I was worthy enough to be a remarkable musician 😭) 
See EVEN STEVE BANNON IS SAYING IT money.cnn.com/2018/02/09/med… 
