Thread by @DrNerdLove

Alright, I’m putting together some Ask Dr. NerdLove columns and there’s a thing I’ve seen come up more than once that is starting to get to me:

The idea that a relationship is exactly one thing ever. /1

This is something that I’ve seen come up enough times that it’s a legitimate relationship trope: “I told my lover/partner that I wanted X, but now I want Y and everything is ruined.” /2

Now, this usually comes in one of two contexts:

1: an open relationship vs. a closed one

2: a committed relationship vs. a casual one

(No, there are very distinctive differences between these. Separate rant) /3

OK, there’s also a third version:

We’re friends vs. no we’re more.

This one’s more complicated and, again, it’s own separate ball o wax.

I’ll probably do a video about this if my subscribers goes up to, say, 2000? (**pointed stare**) /3.5

The point being is that there comes a point where somebody realizes that what they said about what they wanted in a relationship no longer applies.

Problem is: they don’t know how to address this. /4

There’s this belief in our culture that your relationship is only ever One Thing and to change it from that One Thing requires heroic, Herculean efforts. The kind that get lauded in song and dodgy rom-coms. /5

Examples include When Harry Met Sally, Chasing Amy, Pretty In Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, and whatever the fuck that Zack Effron/Michael B. Jordan/ Miles Teller thing was.

And to be perfectly honest, I blame this on pop culture and the narrative we write about relationships.

Like the fact that emotional intimacy = romance, sex and friendship can’t coexist, or that there’s physical intimacy without sex.

See also: Virtue and Moir /7

It also doesn’t help that every love story we see goes one of two ways: Happily Ever After or Everything’s Ruined and Now They Can’t Stand Each Other /8

In fact, the latter tends to be the Inciting Incident that leads to the former.

Which doesn’t really help the idea of “hey, relationships are complicated, yo” /9

This is what leads to the issue of “Well, I felt one way, but now I feel differently and what I want has changed.”

The belief that you agreed to one particular type of relationship and that was carved in stone tablets on top of Mt. Sinai. /10

With the exception of Into The Woods, when the Prince and Princess marry, that’s it. That’s the end of the story. They’re now effectively flies preserved in amber.

And we tend to treat stories as models for life because WE DON’T FUCKING TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. /11

But the fact of the matter is: people change. All the goddamn time, in fact, in myriad ways.

If you tell me you’re exactly the same person you were at 13 you’re entirely unaware or dead.. /12

Sometimes you realize that what you thought you want wasn’t what you ACTUALLY wanted. Sometimes what you needed wasn’t as palatable to you.

Hell, sometimes you only wanted something because you were *told* to want it. /13

And other times… you’re just a different person and your needs are different. And your relationship no longer fits those needs.

Which happens.

Problem is that our concept of relationships isn’t designed to flex like that. /14

We still believe that a relationship is one thing.

We ALSO believe that if that relationship ends before one or more of us dies, it’s a failure.

So there’s that inherent unwillingness to test it’s boundaries. /15

It’s hard to be willing to say “I know I said X but now I need Y” without worrying that you’ll either be called out as a liar for saying X or that you’ll destroy the relationship.

/16

By that same token: some relationships need to end. Not because there’s a causus belli or fatal flaw but just because not every relationship needs to be until you die in the saddle to be a success. /17

Relationships are often like shoes. Trying to force yourself to stay in shoes that don’t fit because they’re pretty or stylish just makes you miserable and fucks up your feet. /18

Some relationships are not meant to last. That’s not a good thing or bad thing, it’s just they were right for you at that time in your life and now they aren’t.

That’s nobody’s fault. It’s just life. /19

Other relationships can change and adapt along with you. Again, this doesn’t make them inherently better. It just means that specific one was able to change.

But you have to be willing to *talk* about it. /20

There’s no sin in saying “I’ve changed, and what I want has changed. Here is what I need from this, here’s why I think things would be better.

Now… how about you?” /21

“How about you” is important. It keeps the conversation from being a monologue. It makes sure everyone’s on the same page, and not just one person laying down the law.

This is important because some folks will prioritize The Relationship over themselves. /22

Prioritizing The Relationship (with capital R) means sticking with ill-fitting shoes because they’re your shoes and getting rid of your shoes would be failure.

So you just cram your feet in, grit your teeth and try to pretend that it doesn’t hurt like hell. /23

Spoiler Alert: The Relationship will STILL end. You didn’t save it, you just ensured that you went through more pain than you needed to.

This is true whether you put off the “I Want To Do Things Differently” indefinitely or you agreed to shit you didn’t want. /24

So like i said: you lay out your needs, why you think it will make things better, and how about them?

Then you wait. And their response will tell you everything you need to know. /25

Do they rant and rave and call you a liar, asshole or cad for having new and different needs?

Your relationship needed to end.

Do their needs conflict with yours?

The relationship needed to end.

Will they just not even try?

You get the idea. /26

This isn’t pleasant. And yeah, you may be The Bad Guy. Or they might be.

But some relationships need to end.

Not always because someone fucked up or was The Bad One. But because it reached the end of it’s natural lifespan. /27

But other times, your partner goes “you know what? I have different needs too. Here’re mine.”

And then things line up. Turns out, they had the same concerns YOU did, but THEY were afraid to be the one to bring it up for the same reasons YOU were. /28

Now here’s the thing. The odds of this happening?

ARE ENTIRELY IRRELEVANT.

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I hate it when people try to play the over/under on whether something will destroy a relationship.

If it’s something you need from your partner or your relationship and you *aren’t* getting it?

Shit’s gonna end anyway. Because it was ALWAYS GOING TO. /30

You can’t get your needs met unless you ask to have them met.

Your relationship can’t grow with you unless you talk about how to change it.

The “odds” don’t matter. If your relationship isn’t right for you at that point in your life, it WILL end. /31

Now, yeah, it’s scary to ask to change things. You’re stress testing your relationship. You ARE risking it ending.

But while endings can be sad, they’re not a sign of failure.

Not every love story is an epic poem. Some are short stories.

Some are dirty limericks. /32

But either way: you have to ask for what you need. if you don’t, nothing changes. And trying to force a relationship to work until you both resent each other and lose the core of affection and respect you had?

THAT is what a failed relationship looks like. /33

Relationships aren’t carved in stone. They can be flexible. They CAN grow with you. It happens more often than you think.

But you have to talk about it to make it happen. And not let the end of it relationship keep you in one that just doesn’t fit you anymore.

/fin

Addendum: when you’re having your Defining The Relationship talk (doctornerdlove.com/defining-the-r…) DEFINE YOUR TERMS.

Your definition of “serious” or “casual” ISN’T UNIVERSAL. Explain what those terms mean and look like to YOU. /34

If I had a $1 patron pledge (patreon.com/drnerdlove) (Or ko-fi.com/O5O66EFG) for every time someone wrote to me because they had a different definition of “casual” than their partner, I’d be a thousandaire.

(Now I’m done. For real.)