Thread by @DrNerdLove

One of the ongoing themes in the comments on my Henry Cavill video: the “frustration” that women have inconsistent and variable rules about what is and isn’t acceptable.

hoo boy. /1

I say “frustration” because while I’m sure there’s the odd dude who really is befuddled, let’s be real: this is mostly guys who’re looking for reasons to complain. /2

Because let’s actually dig into the “consistent rules” complaint.

On the surface, it’s “well women are such mercurial creatures that it’s impossible to KNOW and if they had some standard, this wouldn’t be a problem.” /3

Instead of, y’know. Learning how to read an individual instead of assuming all women of all cultures and classes want the same things and react the same way. /4

But generally when one hears complaints about the “inconsistent rules”, what you’re *actually* hearing is another form of entitlement.

As in: “I did X, Y and Z in this order, therefor you owe me sex now.” /5

It’s the complaint that dating isn’t like a flowchart or a series of if-then statements. The same sort of thing that a lot of early PUA material taught.

Follow this routine and at the end, collect their panties off the floor. /6

“Why can HE do this and it’s not creepy but when I do it it IS? That’s not fair!”

/7

The answer is that it’s behavior that’s welcomed from someone we’re into, but unwanted from someone we’re not.

Which is something straight dudes figure out right quick when it’s someone THEY’RE not into doing it. /8

The issue of “fairness” comes up when folks focus on the supposed “rules” instead of what the other person actually *wants* and is *comfortable* with. /9

Not to mention ignoring things like the social skill or fluency of the person doing the actions in the first place.

A person who’s socially well-calibrated and knows how to read an individual is going to be able to “get away with” more. /10

Except it’s not “getting away” with anything because it’s wanted and appreciated behavior.

My partner rubbing my chest is a very different thing from a stranger doing exactly that. Even a cute stranger. /11

(Which yes, has in fact happened to me. Doesn’t matter that I outweighed said woman by 50 lbs or that she was cute. It was still REALLY off-putting.) /12

Are there some general guidelines? HELL YES. But individual women are just that, individuals. They’re going to have different yes, no’s and GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEs.

You’re gonna have to learn to watch for those. Preferably BEFORE you hit the latter. /13

And if you’re going to complain that you’re fumbling around in the dark and risk tripping over these by accident… well, most women can tell the difference, chief.

But also maybe slow your roll. /14

Spend some time working on your social calibration. And if you have a hard time reading body language and signals, then *ask*. Use your words.

is that not fair? Well… /15

Social fluency and navigation is part of the price of entry to a relationship. That means reading the individual.

Some folks can do it instinctively, some folks use their words. Either way: put in the effort and LEARN and be amazed at how much better you do. /fin