Thread by @onlxn

the 4yo and I are going to Legoland today. we’re so fucking amped we might punch somebody

we will be there for 30 hours. she packed five sets of clothes

she’s also insisting on bringing a tiny mesh bag of seashells. “for the hotel,” she says mysteriously

she LOVES the construction tarps. why did i even pay for admission

“look at all the Legos!” 🙄

kids are so spoiled. when i was young there were no Lego Abbi Jacobsons, let alone ninja ones

ugh, she spilled chocolate milk on herself. we cleaned it before it could stain but we have less total chocolate milk now

((Legoland version of) the Las Vegas version of) the Eiffel Tower! #lifeontop

sunset. all the key choices were mine

ride grades
Fairy Tale Brook: A-
Safari Trek: D

FUCK Safari Trek

for those asking: daughter forbade coasters. she needs more time to recover from the horrors of The Simpsons Ride

THERE’S A BENIHANA NEXT TO OUR LA QUINTA

there’s a long wait, and daughter is gassed, but i think we have to make this happen

punted on Benihana — she’s too tired. still managed to rustle up a dece rite of passage for her #lifeontop

she conked out hours ago but this is how I think she'd rank today's attractions
6. Safari Trek
5. merry-go-round
4. Miniland New Orleans
3. playing with some Legos
2. Fairy Tale Brook
1. meeting Nya/electric hand dryer in bathroom (tie)

day 2 begins. she is dazzled by the La Quinta breakfast spread, as she should be

we’ve agreed she gets two small Lego sets on this trip (she turns five later this month. her first selection was from the Lego Friends line. I don’t trust these Lego Friends

as best I can tell the Lego Friends are a quint of hyper-fit girls who constantly do synchronized dances and accuse each other of excluding them

daughter selected Mia’s Bedroom. Mia sleeps on a lofted bed fitted with a ramp for her to slide down in the morning and skateboard up at night. get over yourself, Mia

Ninjago is a mixed bag but I’m not gonna say this isn’t awesome

IS THE LEGOLAND WHITE HOUSE PROJECTING A WARREN WIN???

could be Bill Burr, I guess

daughter’s main reaction to Legoland DC: “look, somebody dropped an almond!”

she insisted I take this pic. weird

ride grades
Cargo Ace: C-
Beetle Bounce: F (her grade, went solo)
Royal Joust: A (hg, ws)

“I’m not excited for Fun Town.”

ride grades
Skipper School: B
Captain Cranky’s Challenge: B
Lego Factory Tour: A+++. incredible. the purest dad porn

daughter is all graded out but I’d give Legoland an A-minus. the following, from me, is a big compliment: it feels like a mini-golf course

we will hopefully review the coasters next time, unless... someone follows us