To my male friends whose protectionist instincts kick in at tech conferences, this series of tweets is for you. 1/14
Yesterday, I gave a keynote at an influential tech conference. I did my job and got the audience thinking differently, giving attendees a lens through which to view the rest of the sessions. 2/14
I was intentionally controversial and did my best to speak truth to power. During my talk, an individual interrupted me several times on stage. That person then came up after my talk and expressed his displeasure in what I had to say. I fully expected this. 3/14
Several friends witnessed the exchange, which was uncomfortable for me and them. Upon seeing this, many shared their frustration and asked what they could have done to help. 4/14
The overall theme I heard from men throughout the day was that a protectionist instinct kicked in. They saw their friend being mistreated and their initial gut reaction was to intervene. “I just wanted to deck the guy,” was a phrase many different men shared with me. 5/14
Luckily, everyone restrained themselves. Here was my response to each person who expressed this frustration: 6/14
I’m glad you didn’t intervene, but instead stayed close so I knew I could call upon you if needed. Just being there as a witness was enough. I felt your support without any additional action on your part. 7/14
You can trust me to ask for help if I need it. Being available as a supportive friend after a difficult interaction is valuable to me. 8/14
I know it feels like you’re not doing anything, but staying close so I know you’re there and belong available after is often all I need. 9/14
As a woman, this is a skill I’ve learned. We regularly look out for each other, waiting in the wings and being hyper-vigilant of suspicious characters that may take advantage of our friends. This is the unspoken code we use: 10/14
Observe my eyes. If I’m looking at the individual directly, I’ve got it. You can hang back and let me handle it and be my cheerleader after. 11/14
If my eyes start darting, as if looking for an escape route, get ready. I may need your help, but the wrong kind of intervention could be disastrous. Use visual cues such as pointing your finger to a door to ask me from a distance if I need an out. 12/14
My response will be incredibly subtle, so pay attention. 99.999% of the time, I’m asking for your help to remove me from the situation. I don’t want a direct confrontation. I want a reason to end the conversation and say “Will you excuse me?” 13/14
Women have been socially conditioned with this behavior and it works almost every time.
14/14
14/14
Lots of folks are asking if this is the right protocol for others. My biggest piece of advice? Ask them. Everyone has different ways they want their friends to show support. This is what I want and how my best friends show they support me.
Several people are asking how the conference organizers handled it. They’ve been amazing and I feel incredibly supported, just as I have at all their events I’ve attended. This post isn’t meant to call out the individual or shame them but rather share a pattern that I noticed.
