Rejection is emotionally terrifying, and part of building a better, freer, more joyful sexual culture post-#metoo is going to involve everyone learning how to handle rejection better- and how to make approaches in a non-intimidating way.
I’ve learned everything I know about this from queer and poly and kink culture. The key, as far as I’m concerned, is to make it as easy as possible for the other person to say no - which is of course the opposite of what Pickup theory teaches you.
I’m a dork, but I find that text message/IM is the best for asking people out in a way that makes it easy for them to say no, as is asking clearly and directly. Lots of people find that part so so hard. Especially if they were raised female. Or, you know, British.
Sadly I’ve also found that if you’re a girl-flavoured person and you try to be clear and consenty with boy-flavoured people you fancy, to ascertain what they want and like, it can come across as too direct, at any stage of proceedings. It can feel emasculating. That’s a problem.
I admit to being socially awkward as fuck, but I’ve tried to start the consent conversation in bed and had men look at me like I’ve just brought out a clown mask and a jar of marmite and said ‘you know what to do, baby.’
The idea that mystery is sexy, that asking people what they want and telling them what you want is somehow a mood killer, isn’t just treacherous, it’s also baffling. To me the preamble is part of the thrill. As is asking again, next time, and every time, to see what has changed.
For me this comes from lived experience as much as from theory, as I happen- sadly- to be a mostly-het, mostly-vanilla poly person who has spent their adult life surrounded by omnisexual hyperkinky queer weirdoes. So I inevitably try to date straight men using GBTQILMNOP skills.
Something straight men don’t seem to realise or want to acknowledge: women get rejected, too. Women and girls get sexually frustrated and lonely, too. The difference is that we’re never taught that violence is an acceptable way to handle those feelings.
If you approach someone romantically and they’re not interested, your feelings about their lack of interest are not their responsibility or their fault. If you’re the one saying no, basic good manners are welcome, but not mandatory- especially if they’re not getting the message.
Instead of respect, young men +boys are taught- by pickup/seduction cults but also everywhere in mainstream culture- that the key is to just wear her down until she relents, make it as hard as possible for her to say no, that *you know what she really wants better than she does.*
And it’s absolutely true that the person you’re trying to get funky with might not know what they really want. But the key thing to remember that it’s up to them to work it out and decide. It’s not your job to tell them what they want, or impose your desires on them.
A lot of men have told me lately that they’re afraid of approaching women because it could be interpreted as violence. If we don’t have a framework for seduction that doesn’t fetishise female reluctance or involve the threat of violence, heterosexuality is in big trouble. #metoo
The problems there are NOT going to be solved by shaming women into putting up with being treated like prey. Right now violence and threat are baked into what we grow up learning about how men are supposed to pursue women, and that’s hard for everyone.
We also need a common language for the everyday experience of rejection and frustration that isn’t just about shame. Myself, I find it helps to have a wank and a cry and a cup of tea and then text a friend to tell you that Dreamboat McCrushface doesn’t know what they’re missing.
