Thread by @AimanPsikologis

Have you ever witness your love one taking that last breath in front of you? To finally get their soul taken out by Izrael and all that's left were their lifeless body in front of you?

Because I have.

And that left me scarred for life.

Ini ialah gambar ketika bulan-bulan terakhir Adikna di hospital.

Peringkat terakhir rawatan kanser dia, dan mesti duduk dalam aircond 24 jam untuk elakkan jangkitan kuman. Gambar ini ketika saya sedang peluk dia sebab dia kesejukan (selimut tak jalan)

Adikna mula diagnosed with kanser pada 2014.

Saya masih ingat ketika itu Ummi dan Amsyar (anak buah) kena denggi.

Dan Adikna pun turut demam. Semua ingat denggi, lepas diagnosis, baru tahu itu thyroid fever.

But it didn't stop there.

After a while, doktor syak something...

Lepas result CT scan tunjuk dadanya ada sel kanser Hodgkin Lymphoma.

Satu family urgent meeting kat hospital.

Saya pula kebetulan bulan depannya ada projek kemanusiaan di Selakan, Sabah. Tapi korbankan semua tu sebab nak bersama dia.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Adikna

Lepas dapat result CT scan, Adikna dah sangat sedih.

Memang risau, sebab Adikna tak kuat. Bukan pada fizikal tapi dia jenis tak ada prinsip dan ikut lalang sejak kecil.

Masa tu rasa sedih sangat. Starting that moment saya decide untuk jadi the best and closest brother to her.

Sebelum ni dah rapat tapi kali ni nak rapatkan lagi.

Sebab saya tahu, Adikna jenis people-oriented. Dia suka bila dalam kalangan orang rapat, selalu jaga hati perasaan orang. Seorang yang sangat dahulukan orang lain.

That's Adikna, my beautiful sister with a beautiful soul :')

Sesungguhnya keadaan kekuasaan-Nya apabila Ia menghendaki adanya sesuatu, hanyalah Ia berfirman kepada (hakikat) benda itu: "Jadilah engkau!", Maka ia terus menjadi.

- Surah Yasin ayat 82 -

2 hari kami bermalam di ICU, baca yasin, duduk sebelah Adikna, belai kepala, doakan dia.

Aku terlalu fokus mengharapkan keajaiban daripada Allah supaya Adikna dapat sembuh walaupun dah kritikal sehingga aku terlupa ayat Surah Yasin yang seterusnya ialah,

"Maka Maha Suci Allah yang di tangan-Nya kekuasaan atas segala sesuatu dan kepada-Nya kamu dikembalikan."

Selepas Adikna pergi meninggalkan kami, rasa sedih membuak-buak itu muncul. Namun dalam keadaan yang masih terkawal.

Entah kenapa waktu perpisahan Adikna, rasa macam just nak berpisah sekejap.

Rasa macam, "Adikna, Achik keluar jap nak beli barang. Jap lagi Achik balik."

Masuk hari kedua dah lalui rasa bangun-bangun tidur Adikna dah tak ada, baru time ni rasa betul-betul rasa yang Adikna dah tak ada.

Lepas-lepas ni, Achik bangun tidur dah tak ada tujuan nak pergi bilik bawah pastu ucap "Morning baby."

Ya, hampir setiap pagi aku buat macam tu.

Lepas-lepas ini, bangun tidur dah tak orang yang Acik kena belikan sarapan biasanya akan ada yang minta mee goreng sambal nasi lemak.

Lepas-lepas ini, achik bangun tidur, adikna dan tak ada.

Only then I realised you truly have gone to a better place, without me by your side...

Sungguh, hati belum mampu nak terima sepenuhnya perpisahan dengan Adikna.

Rasa tak percaya. Adikna yang sama-sama suka ceria menceria suasana, dah tak ada.

My beloved girlfriend,
My partner in crime,
My passenger when I'm the driver,

The one who I called as "Cinta".

Yes. I called her "Cinta".

Every morning in the hospital, I came to her and wish "Morning Cinta!".

Then she would replied, "Morning Rindu!"

Even whenever we're being apart, before departing, I would genuinely said to her, "Bye Cinta!"

As usual, she would replied, "Bye Rindu!"

She never forget to wish her closed people around her for any birthday, being gratitude or for any kind of occasion.

She is the kind of girl who will do her best to make someone who have worked hard, feeling it's all worth it. Even if it was just some various emojis in WhatsApp.

Our love, our smile and our happiness since 6th January 1994.

Yes, she was 23 but the pain and struggle she had, was way more than the typical teenagers of her age usually had. And for that, is why I saved her contact numbers in phone as "Adikna Kuat", a long long time ago.

😇

Her pain, her suffering, her battles.

Even until near the end of her time, she still fought courageously and proved to the doctors that she can still live for one more day (even when her prognosis says otherwise).

Yes, she proved the doctors wrong by extending her life a day.

So many people keep saying that she was lucky to have me as her brother during her life, when the lucky person is me for having her as my beloved sister.

She was strong, and now I need to be too. 😔

FOTO: Pertama kali mengerti makna 'sudah kering air mata'

Lepas Adikna dah pergi, lepas kemas-kemas rumah untuk tahlil (sementara jenazah Adikna belum sampai rumah), Achik pergi mandi bersiap kemas-kemas.

Pakai wangi-wangi, bedak shampoo. Kemudian pakai baju kemeja blue black ini.

Ada sebab kenapa baju ni dipilih.. Keep on reading..

Adikna pernah cakap, dia suka lelaki kacak pakai baju kemeja putih atau biru gelap/hitam.

Sebab mood, pilih warna gelap.

Ketika uruskan jenazah Adikna kat tanah perkuburan tahun lepas pun pakai baju yang sama. Sebab nak jadi lelaki kacak yang Adikna suka sangat tu.

😊

See her read eyes there? On the left.

That was from her tears after sending me off in KLIA, during furthering my study in UK.

It was our first time being apart by continents, far far away.

I still remember the moment she hugged me silently without saying anything, only tears.

She once asked me, what's my requirement for a man to be able and acknowledged as her husband.

"Dia kena keluar musafir dengan Acik 3 hari dulu."

Seeing the reality today, now I will never get to see Adikna in her wedding gown that she loved so much and witness her happiness..

After Adikna has left us, my mental health condition deteriorate greatly.

I have depression, anxiety, overthinking, grief and so much more in just one year.

It took me panic attacks (twice), to finally seek professional help from a clinical Psychologist, for my condition.

Once in a while, I have relapsed.

The longest episode I had was for 2 months (lately). Now I'm slowly picking up myself and all the pieces that have been broken for the past months.

Please don't mistaken my condition as "tak redha", "tak move on" etc.

It doesn't help.

I have to be strong, I have to live on.

Pray for me to make it until the end :)

I have wrote our love story before in full details. There are 3 episodes which you can read it here, if you're interested:

facebook.com/photo.php?fbid…

Thanks for reading! Pray for my Adikna okay? :)