Let’s make a f***en grilled cheese. I know what you’re thinking: I don’t need a recipe for grilled cheese. As an ordinary asshole, this is the one food I have handled, Fair enough. Basic grilled cheese is solid. But if you want to take s**t next level, follow along. 1/
First, put away your tub of Country Crock and Kraft American singles, and acquire these ingredients, plus sriracha, which flatly refused to pose for this picture. Primadonna bastard is taking “spicy” way too far imo. 2/ 
I know what you’re thinking: “LMAO I thought you said we were making a grilled cheese; this is why everyone hates you, Leon. You don’t know when to stop trolling.” While I do truly hate almost all of you, know that I take food seriously and trust me on this: it’s gonna be lit. 3/
Because, you see, not only will we be making some grilled cheese sandwiches, we are also going to be making excess cheese spread you can use on all kinds of s**t for days. More on that later. For now, go to the store and follow directions, damn you. 4/
First thing’s first, we are going to be making some roasted red pepper cheese. The original recipe can be found here, and I’ve made just a few modifications. Follow along. Note: we are making HALF this recipe. google.com/amp/s/deadspin… 5/
Note that I don’t call it “pimento cheese,” because it contains no pimentos. Plus, pimento cheese is trash, especially the kind you find in a tub at the store, and that’s the only kind most people have had. What we are gonna make is pure culinary gold instead. 6/
First, roast some red peppers. If you’re lucky and have a gas stove, just pop those bastards on the corner of your burner and rotate occasionally until it’s mostly black. If not, throw em in the oven at 450 and turn every 10 minutes until deflated and partially black. 7/
Remove from the oven into a gallon freezer bag and freeze for 10 minutes. DO NOT RINSE THESE BASTARDS OR EVEN WORSE SUBSTITUTE FOR THAT S**T YOU CAN FIND IN A JAR. if you’re going to all this trouble for a grilled cheese, take an extra few minutes to get it right. 8/
While your red peppers are in the freezer, mince your veggies: quarter of a red onion, a few cloves of garlic, some fresh dill, a handful of chives. Here I do mean mince. Make it all small AF. Trust that you do NOT want a giant chunk of raw red onion to ruin your day. 9/
Grate your cheese into a huge ass bowl. Do I need to give you the lecture about bag cheese again? God, I hope not; I hate talking to all of you. Use block cheese. One 8oz cheddar and one 8 Oz jack (pepper jack is also fine). I like Cabot’s here but even Great Value is fine. 10/
About this time, your red peppers should be ready. When you open the bag, dump all the red pepper juice into the bowl of cheese. Then hold the pepper upright over a trash can, remove the stem and seeds, then turn them over again and pour the rest of the juice into the cheese. 11/
Remove the outer skin from the peppers. DO NOT RINSE THEM OR USE COLD WATER TO HELP YOU. That will wash all the delicious flavor off. Man up and peel with your bare hands. Then also chop the peppers into tiny pieces. 12/
Dump everything together, including the peppers, into a bowl, and squirt in as much sriracha as you think your asshole can handle. Know that no one will judge your asshole for just wanting a tablespoon here. Except me. I will judge you. 13/
Stir that s**t together and slowly begin adding mayonnaise until the substance in your bowl begins to resemble a spread rather than grated cheese with a bunch of random stuff stirred into it, then stop. We are making grilled cheese, not chicken salad you Canadian freak. 14/
Fry up some bacon. Make that s**t on the crispy side because in addition to providing the delicious taste of bacon, it’s also carrying pretty much all the weight texture-wise in this sandwich. 15/
Now it’s time to grill yourself a cheese, because Mallory Archer isn’t gonna do it for you. Smear some of the red pepper cheese on one side, then add two strips of bacon (or 8, I don’t own you) and a slice of tomato. Then on the other side, apricot preserves. 16/
“Now hang on a damn minute,” I can hear you saying. “I was with you this far but why am I putting Smucker’s on a grilled cheese?” Fair question, ordinary asshole. The answer is that this cheese, plus the bacon, plus butter, is an overload on the savory taste sensors. 17/
It will be delicious, but also like a punch in the nuts, only if your nuts were in the taste section of your brain. You need a little sweetness and acidity to cut through that and tell your brain that everything is okay and eating this won’t make you poisoned. Trust. 18/
Now, uh, grill a cheese. This is the part you could handle already so I’m not walking your helpless ass through it. It doesn’t have to be pretty to be delicious. When you’re done, spend the next week putting your leftover cheese on everything you own. You’ll want to. 19/
Cc @mooshakins
