Even though creative work is about persistence far more than it's about inspirational breakthroughs, there are times when it just gets to you. To me. My work has stalled in the last year or more. I hope others can relate to this thread of the dark side and coming into the light.
2/ My work in progress for the last 20 years (not a typo) has been off and on, manic and dead in the water. #TheTenorBook, my sin, my soul - well, not really. But not *not* either. Far and away the most complex task I've ever set myself.
3/ Life got in the way *many* times and not just a little, but a lot. I tried to walk away from it half a dozen times. Path, not destination, I told myself. But every single time I'd review the photographs, re-read the interviews, I knew my drive to tell the story remained.
4/ Intermittent slogging through the unsexy parts of research and writing (and there are many!) lit up by excavating gold and gems in the interview transcripts. Four generations of people I talked to. The span of time became an asset instead of a deterrent.
5/ Lately, though, I've had trouble working on "the book." Hired a writing coach to help me find structure in the overwhelming amount of material I'd gathered, 90% of it fascinating and worthy. How to choose? How do I take off the editing hat?
6/ Worked through exercises to fit a story to a typical arc of inciting incident, crisis points, resolution - battled it the whole time because my gut was screaming at me THAT'S NOT YOUR STORY! Add this, leave that out. Finally abandoned a traditional structure.
7/ I'd always envisioned #TheTenorBook as a BOOK, a physical book, not an e-book, not something abridged. But unable to completely remove the marketing hat as well as the editing one, the realities of that have been weighing me down.
8/ And until 10 months ago, I was living in a place that contributed to my depression. Now in the light (literally) once more, I hoped that would jumpstart the work on the book. But the answer was more complicated.
9/ Years ago, with the help of a wonderfully empathetic therapist, I learned that my depressive episodes and fear (of success, more than of failure) were (and are) a positive part of who I am. Chiaroscuro, my favorite word ever, the darkness reveals the light, and vice versa.
10/ Falling into the dark chasm, generally after taking risks and flying high (figuratively, that is), became not something to be feared, but to be embraced as a part of my unique artistic makeup. It's still difficult, but I accept this part of me now.
11/ Yet I've been stalled (again) on #TheTenorBook. I figured I was burnt out on it (again, not the first time). Time to refill the creative well. I'm taking up photography again, in a more serious way, even though this takes away from book-writing time and energy.
12/ I'll be exploring places new to me, places I once thought were of no interest to me, for 5 months starting in December. The budget tour, for sure! Blogging and instagramming and discovering and renewing.
But inexplicably (or predictably?) #TheTenorBook pulled me in again.
But inexplicably (or predictably?) #TheTenorBook pulled me in again.
13/ Recently, I started thinking the logjam on it (aside from the impossible task of editing the conversations down into 'acceptable' soundbites) was trying to put it into a linear format, when that's not remotely how it happened in real life.
14/ I've always known, without articulating it, that the *story* lay in the tangential nature of the offshoots, the byways, the detours. And that my 'journey' to find the interviews, to find the answer (if one there is) to my driving question was an important thread in the story.
15/ So what if I abandon trying to tell it in a linear way? What if I stop ignoring my own role in the process? What if... what if... it's not a physical book - what then could it be? Can I create the story on a website in a way that makes sense?
16/ That's what I've been doing, in rough, for the last few days - and it's got a new life. Reanimating bits and pieces into a monster, friendly and interesting, if still wildly unpredictable. In other words, it's working, at least I think it is. Think it will.
17/ With both these colossal projects, I've known that I'm afraid... of what, I don't know. I never know that. And last evening, I decided to stop hiding from that and confront *me* about it. If you're still with me, this is where it gets crazy in mere words.
18/ Right as I was going to sleep, I asked my subsconscious self (semi-conscious?) what I was afraid of. And promised I would listen. My dream last night was long and involved and slightly out of focus, as if I had the wrong pair of glasses on.
19/ What I remember, all in a jumble even during the dream - and even more when I woke up - was being at the edge. Of a cliff? maybe, and then I wasn't. There was no sound and no pain and no fear. Definitely I was falling. Or soaring.
20/ Then I was over the ocean, like a gull skimming over the waves - no land in sight, just slightly choppy waves, enough to create little whitecapped crests. I don't recall a sense of it being me, more as if I were watching, but not sure about that part.
21/ What I am sure about is that I knew I was safe - this is huge, since I'm afraid of the ocean. So no matter the risk or danger (figuratively, emotionally, creatively speaking), I'm safe. This was the message on waking up.
22/ A few hours later, I realized that the universe had not answered my question directly. As is always the case, it seems. "What am I afraid of?" I don't know - the answer was that I would be safe. It's up to me to risk. Go big or go home, you know?
23/ I call this asking the universe or tapping into my subconscious self. I have friends who would call it praying. @J_CameronLive, in her early books, called it Good.Orderly.Direction. The label doesn't matter to me, surprisingly for a word-nerd.
24/ Whatever it's called, I feel renewed, energized and positive. Ready to take on the world and what it holds. This is the *up* part of my creative self. There will be a down, but not as deep a chasm as the last bout has been. In that, I have faith. / END
