Thread by @UrsulaV

D&D Night, and we have encountered two oozes. A lengthy discussion of the life and times of ooze-kind has followed.

CENTIPEDE ASSASSIN: Can they corrode through my bucket?
GM: I dunno, what's the bucket made of?
CENTIPEDE: The taco guy sold it to me, so I assume it's high quality.

CHEETAH ASSASSIN: So we could throw torches at them...
PARTY: OH MY GOD AGAIN WITH THE FIRE
CHEETAH: ...
PARTY: ...
CHEETAH: So we can shoot flaming arrows from--
PARTY: *headdesk*

CENTIPEDE: Can we bring the ooze to the sentient poison gas cloud?
CORGI PALADIN: Well, they're immune to poison.
CENTIPEDE: I really just want to see them fight.
CORGI: THEN WE CAN FILM IT AND PUT IT ON DUNGEONTUBE

CORRECTION: I am told that he proposed fireballs, not flaming arrows. Please make a note of it.

GM: Wait what
PARTY: THIS IS THE BEST IDEA
PARTY: WE WILL OPEN TREASURES AND CALL THEM UNBOXING VIDEOS
GM: Is anyone else vaguely disturbed...?
CORGI: No. This is genius.

PARTY: Oooh! Oooh! We can do video tutorials! The first one will be "How to Fight an Ooze!"

GM: Do you have a plan to fight the oozes?
PARTY: We have...several...
CENTIPEDE: We could make a bucket trap!
CORGI: I could tell one ooze that the other said something rude about its mother!

CHEETAH: Well, we have multiple oozes to test our plans on, and we can make more.
CENTIPEDE: We have enough to work with. We have enough for a trial.
BUFFALO: We'd need twelve for that.
PARTY: *grim silence*
CENTIPEDE: Look, if we're getting technical, we'd need at least 13.

GM: We'd need a judge ooze, yeah.
CENTIPEDE: And then we'd need, like the bailiff ooze and the court stenographer ooze and...
CORGI: We have invented an entire legal system for the oozes.

CENTIPEDE: Okay! I making a trap with a bucket! Baited with my toenail clippings. I have a lot of toes. If anyone would like to contribute more material...I dunno if the corgi can cough something up...
CORGI: Okay, but I'm gonna need to eat some grass and wait a few minutes.

BUFFALO: I could contribute some organic material.
CENTIPEDE: I don't know if we need anything from that end.
BUFFALO: What? I'm a large herbivore!
CENTIPEDE: Do the oozes eat that?
BUFFALO: Based on my extensive knowledge of oozes, will they eat poop?

GM: *grimly* Oozes eat EVERYTHING.
BUFFALO: Well, there you go.

After an unsuccessful attempt to burn the ooze...
CHEETAH: Do we have another source of fire?
BUFFALO: You look pretty flammable.
CENTIPEDE: NO. That would be unfriendly fire.
BUFFALO: Fine, I'll shout compliments while we do it?

CHEETAH: Are you proposing you light me on fire and carry me, while burning, to the oozes?
BUFFALO: While shouting compliments! Let's do it!
CHEETAH: NO.

TOAD HEALER: *sobbing* Can't we just go hoooooommme? I want a shower and a bed and...
BUFFALO: We can't leave this nice woman with oozes in her basement!
TOAD: She didn't even know she had oozes! We went through the sewer! These are someone else's oozes!

BUFFALO: But now there's oozes in the sewer! And if there's sewer oozes, you know what that means
TOAD: Nooo?
BUFFALO: You'll be taking a crap one day and a sewer ooze will come up through the toilet and bite you on the butt. THINK OF YOUR BUTT.
TOAD: ....

CENTIPEDE: *goes to scout out the area past the oozes*
GM: There's a standing corpse in the middle of the room. Wearing robes. It appears to be a mummified badger.
BUFFALO: Well, there's your problem right there. You got liches.

Eventually the party returns to the destroyed Alchemist's Lab to scavenge materials...
GM: So you're just going to get a whole bunch of unlabeled potions and powders and throw them at the oozes and see what happens?
PARTY: That is our plan, yes.

BUFFALO: What's the worse that happens?
GM: ....you blow yourselves up.
ELEPHANT: Nah, that's why we're THROWING the powders.

GM: You're way too into this plan, ELEPHANT.
ELEPHANT: Too much talking, not enough doing. An old elephant doesn't have that long.
GM: You've got longer than the Centipede.
CENTIPEDE: THAT IS A SLUR.

BUFFALO: Longer than the Corgi, too. She's already fifty in paladin years.
CORGI: This is a job that ages you quickly.

BUFFALO (responding to Twitter promptly): CHEETAH! Try to seduce the ooze.
CENTIPEDE: Yeah, that's your character!
CHEETAH: But I'm not interested!
BUFFALO: OH MY GOD NO ONE IS ASKING YOU TO COMMIT TO THE OOZE

CHEETAH: What if it's an underage ooze?
BUFFALO: Wha...buh...LOOK! Oozes reproduce by fragmenting, right? So they are all ultimately bits of that first primal ooze, making them older than you, me, the entire party, and our civilization all put together!

BUFFALO: If anything, you're underage! But that's fine! Tell it you like older oozes.
CHEETAH: ....
ELEPHANT: Can I throw stuff now?

ELEPHANT and BUFFALO begin throwing random alchemical powders on the oozes. The GM has a table to see what does what when combined. Ironically, by rolling 4 3's in a row, BUFFALO sets a lot of things on fire.

ELEPHANT: Who knew science was so much fun!?
GM: You have a little bit of the following four powders left...
BUFFALO: Let's mix them all together and throw that!
ELEPHANT: YEAH
GM: I...um...have to go make a new table...

ELEPHANT: *rolls*
GM: The ooze explodes and makes two new oozes.
PARTY: Dammit.

GM: One of the oozes is hurt but not dead.
BUFFALO: CHEETAH, go put fire on it.
CHEETAH: *grumbles*
BUFFLAO: Oh, don't act like you haven't been dying to burn things this whole time.

CHEETAH: It's less fun when I'm ASKED to burn things.
BUFFALO: Oh, sure, complain that you don't like consensual fire. Weirdo.

GM: Okay. The oozes are dead. Somehow you did not roll any of the combinations that would result in toxic fumes. I'm impressed. Now there's just the lich.
BUFFALO: Well, fire works on nearly everything.

ELEPHANT: Are liches flammable?
BUFFALO: Sure! They're mummified! They're like jerky. Hmm. Does beef jerky burn?...Kevin, we need to do science!
GM: NOT IN THE HOUSE

CENTIPEDE: Has the lich noticed us?
GM: He seems pretty oblivious.
CENTIPEDE: What's our goal here? Are we trying to make him more dead? Like...kill him so he stops being dead? How does this work?

CENTIPEDE: Can we look for a plaque? In case it's meant to be ironic?

GM: There's glowing runes.
BUFFALO: That's never a good sign.
*some attempts to translate later*
TOAD: Well, I translated "Ia! Ia! ftaghn!" so...

BUFFALO: Cthulhu is above our paygrade.
CENTIPEDE: We get paid?
BUFFALO: I mean, they give us better pillows. But there are no pillows fluffy enough to fight Cthulhu.

And the game wraps up as the lich wakes! Tune in next time, as our intrepid heroes try to kill an already dead or maybe not dead enough dead thing!