Thread by @bergopolis

So I’m spending my Saturday night like any other hot single ready to mingle... by clearing the shelves at Orchard Supply Hardware’s going-out-of-business sale.

I step up to the front of the line with my velcro straps, windshield wiper fluid, and two-pack air conditioning filters where I’m greeted by the cashier. A young man in his 20s named Timothy.

I tried to look him in the eyes to offer a polite hello but they were otherwise occupied. With my chest. At first I’m flattered — I’ll take what I can get at this point — but it soon becomes apparent that he’s reading my shirt.

Our boy Timothy, whose words until this point were limited to dollars and cents, suddenly lights up. He smiles at me. Here we go, I’m thinking. Timothy is about to demonstrate that he is Woke so that I may worship at the altar of his allyship.

But no.

Timothy: I don’t believe that.

Me: Excuse me?

Timothy: Men and women. We’re not the same.

Me: You don’t believe women are equal to men... because you think they’re superior.

I believe in second chances. But our boy Timothy, like Louis CK, squandered his.

Timothy: Men are superior. It’s a biblical thing. God made us in his image. We’re bigger, stronger, faster.

Me: And you think those are the things that matter?

I was one argument in and our boy was already starting to stutter.

Timothy: But, biblically, man was first. God created Adam first.

Me: And he screwed up so bad he needed a do over.

Timothy: Women are for companionship. And for procreation.

Me: Men need women to have babies.

Timothy: Exactly.

Me: Because men don’t have the fortitude to do it themselves.

Timothy: .....

Me: Seems weird that God would design a superior being who was so dependent on another.

Timothy: ....

Me: Can I have a bag, please?

I was really hoping Timothy’s name was on this. I would’ve framed it.