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watching home alone for the first time ever, somehow? why are there so many children?
damn they really forgot kevin
oh no now there’s a loose tarantula in the mix
kevin was extremely right not to trust cops. smart kid.
kevin, determined: “when they come back, i’ll be ready!”
me, excited: “YEAH FUCK ‘EM UP KEVIN!”
my dad, confused: “molly, what?”
me, excited: “YEAH FUCK ‘EM UP KEVIN!”
my dad, confused: “molly, what?”
why did kevin’s mom fly from paris to dallas and then to scranton? look i don’t wanna overthink this but it’s a 13 hour drive from dallas to chicago and a 10 hour drive from scranton to chicago. she really isn’t thinking clearly.
we’ve taken an intermission to enjoy a roast beast. i’m now coaxing everyone back over to my dad’s ridiculously large tv so i can find out what happens to kevin! 
shit, kevin is so wise. he’s giving this old guy amazing advice.
i want to invite 8 year old kevin mcallister to all future direct action planning meetings. my dude lives & breathes diversity of tactics.
oh my god these dudes are about to get fucked all the way up aren’t they. sorry wet bandits, kevin’s home.
ok i think if you get shot in the dick, even with a pellet gun, you’d probably just call it off right?
ok not to nitpick, but they should’ve established earlier in the film a stronger motivation for them to not just give up on this house. show some krugerrands or something. or show him drop something incriminating when he was casing the place. anything!
ah yes, chekov’s tarantula going off in the second act 🕷
now screaming “JUST GO AROUND!” as the wet bandits dangle from the zip line
is kevin gonna have to testify?
the whole family just rolled up and honestly, why would kevin wanna spend christmas with those assholes?
is this the prequel to “we need to talk about kevin”? because kevin needs some fucking therapy and he’s not being honest with his family about what he’s been through.
is this not what home alone 2 is about?! i’m about to find out.
i’ve been told donald trump makes an appearance in the second one, so it’s already less good. also? is this gonna happen to this family A SECOND TIME? no more benefit of the doubt. somebody call child protective services.
uncle frank should not be allowed near children.
i’m watching an auditorium full of adults laugh at an adorable little kevin and this is exactly the kind of experience that creates killers
maybe the mcallisters should stick to vacations in the great lakes region. stuff they can drive to. a nice trip to the wisconsin dells or something.
look i’m no cheerleader for the carceral state, but why aren’t the wet bandits still in jail?!?
i admit, i’m eating pie and petting three dachshunds and not paying the closest attention
uh hey why is tim curry creeping around on hotel guests while they shower? that is completely and utterly inexcusable. like, BEST CASE SCENARIO he was spying on a child?
this tim curry sounds the most like nigel thornberry of all his non-cartoon performances, i think.
kevin just arrived at the spooky, empty, mid-renovations home of his aunt and uncle. my first thought was “oh there’s WEAPONS in there.” no way a wet bandit doesn’t end up on the receiving end of a nail gun.
goddamn kevin with the good advice again. rollerblades ARE like the human heart.
yelling “YEAH FUCK ‘EM UP, KEVIN!” again
kevin has evolved from pure self defense to some absolutely fucking overt aggression and tbh i’m here for it. they came for him where he lived.
i’m not a doctor but i think getting hit in the head with a brick thrown from the roof of a building could definitely kill you. i don’t think marv would be walking away from three bricks to the face.
ok now that marv has, in addition to a broken skull and some serious intracranial bleeding, A COUPLE OF NAILS IN HIS BALLS, you gotta figure he would just call it a night.
marv needs to go to the hospital.
and we need to talk about kevin. this gas flame setup is incredibly HH Holmes.
and we need to talk about kevin. this gas flame setup is incredibly HH Holmes.
oh the contractor is going to be SO upset when they get back to work after the holidays
the wet bandits are dangling from a kerosene soaked rope, several stories high. as he strikes the match, our young protagonist smiles and says “merry christmas.” surely his defense attorney will argue that the christmas he spent alone at age 8 changed him, warped him.
CHEKOV’S PIGEONS, when the gun won’t go off in the second act
but honestly the bandits being set upon by ravenous birds may actually be the most terrifying thing that’s happened to them yet
i don’t wanna tell anyone how to parent, but maybe the kid who can’t stop wetting the bed shouldn’t be allowed to drink soda in bed?
kevin visiting the pigeon lady in the park is really sweet but where the fuck are his parents? they JUST found him and now they’re letting him go to central park alone?
that was a really wild ride, y’all. not sure how i made it so long without actually knowing that that movie was about.
