Thread by @th3Derek

Watching "Jason Bourne" for the first time. Five minutes in, at some kind of sooper-seekrit hacker facility in Reykjavik, someone says: "Use SQL to corrupt their databases." I don't even know where to begin.

In fairness, it was subtitles; perhaps it was translated by Irina Nistor.

Someone just typed "run predictive algorithm" into a terminal window. FFS.

Now they need something called "the reverse shell" to prevent a breach of their classified mainframe. 7 minutes in. 1 hour, 56 minutes to go. I really hope Jason turns up and starts hitting people soon.

Good news. Someone has sent "the shell". I assume this is "the reverse shell" which will prevent the "classified mainframe" being "corrupted by SQL".

Gripping stuff.

Someone says: "Cut the power to that building..."

At a terminal console, someone types: "launch implant utility"

I can't wait to see what gets implanted. Nearly 8 minutes in.

Oh, it was malware. I know it was malware because the console reports: "MALWARE IMPLANTED".

Hurrah! They cut the power to the sooper-seekrit hacker facility, and the computers all went down. One. At. A. Time.

Still, at least the classified mainframe is safe. 8 minutes 30 seconds or so.

Wait... maybe the power isn't out. Someone just fried one of the now dead laptops (hey, don't laptops have batteries?) by pouring vodka over it, and sparks and magic smoke came out. 9 minutes.

Apparently the classified mainframe was hacked after all. A hack "worse than Snowden" apparently. Oh, dear, that doesn't sound good. 9:30 or so.

Ah, the malware that was embedded (pay attention at the back) was embedded into the files that were being stolen from the claassified mainframe. So when the stolen files are opened the CIA will be notified....

...because hackers always leave their device connected to the internet when opening stolen CIA files.

A brief interlude while Jason lets someone hit him. But now his contact from Iceland has turned up, so he hits the guy really hard and knocked him down, went off to talk to the contact. I hope she didn't bring her computer.

The CIA are watching via a satellite link. There's some spy talk, which might or might not be authentic, but that's above my pay grade. If their tech-speak is anything to go by, it isn't.

There's a demonstration going on in Athens, outside the parliament building, where our hero and his accomplice are about to meet. CIA are watching, have people on the ground.

Analyst: "Isolate all social media posts from the square." Does she mean shadowban?

Dear goodness, the "enhance" function on the CIAs computer is better than the one Deckard has in Bladerunner. It can get a crisp image of the accomplice's face from a 20x20 pixel swatch. I'm impressed.

CIA operatives are "clear to engage the target". Does this mean we'll finally get some proper fighting? I'm betting Jason wins.

I don't know which I should be more ashamed about. "Live" tweeting Jason Bourne, or Manthreading.

Shouting. Scuffles. Explosions. Fireworks. Police brutality. "The Greek Government have declared a state of emergency."

More spy talk. Our heroine is in danger.

The rioters have captured a water cannon. Use it to deter Police motorcyclists who are chasing our Jason who is riding a stolen Police motorcycle.

I love this film.

"The asset" is chasing "The target". "The target" is on a police motorcycle. "The asset" is in a family car. Place your bets.

The rioters appear to have acquired flamethrowers. Seems a bit extreme.

Uh, oh. The asset has a sniper rifle. CIA are directing from - dunno - Langley?

Dang! I'm not going to tell you what happened. SPOILERS.

Spoilers? What am I saying? Just don't read the rest of the thread.

The sniper shot the girl. She's alive, but doesn't look very well.

Shot her again. Sad music. We all know what that means.

After-action water-cooler spy talk. Something something "Eliminate Jason Bourne" something something.

The CEO of some Silicon Valley company is on stage, explaining to an excited crowd how his platform will steal all their data and use it to sell them things and influence elections.

The crowd are lapping it up.

"Privacy matters to us."

"No-one will be watching."

I think we';ve heard that before.

As expected, the CEO is now talking to the CIA boss, trying to get out of the prior arrangement to give the CIA all his users' data.

Denied.

I think the CEO needs to have a chat with Jason.

Jason walking, wearing a hoodie. Tense music.

Oh, fooled me. It wasn't Jason. Some shaven-headed guy with blue eyes. Jason has got the drop on him though.

Oh noes! He's plugged a USB into a laptop. The CIA have been informed.

Honestly, hackers nowadays. You just can't get the staff.

While Jason interrogates the USB, CIA discover there is a phone in the room. "I can use it to delete the files."

Srsly?

"open phone"

Jason looks at blurry photos. Mostly of himself.

Jason has a flashback to a conversation with his late father. For some reason, all Jason's flashbacks are played on ageing celluloid.

Explosions on celluloid. Blue Eyes isn't impressed.

CIA: "They're fighting sir."

Jason won, of course. But...

...while they were figting, CIA used "the phone in the room" to delete all the files.

CIA Analyst phones Jason, "I want to help you".

DONT TRUST HER JASON!

TLJ takes the phone; "Stop this now"

Meanwhile TLJ watches Jason through a window in black and white. But strange.

Jason shot someone. Not sure who, I looked away from the screen for a moment. Hopefully it wasn't anyone important.

Fast moving, this film.

CIA have decided to "bring Bourne in, or tie it off."

No, me neither.

Silicon Valley CEO talking to CTO. They appear to be concerned about "changing some parameters". Of their Social Media Network. Yes, really.

Govt serve some bullshit paper on the SV CEO. CEO buggers off to Vegas. Jason has celluloid flashbacks of unpleasant things happening to anonymous people.

Jason frowns at something unintelligible on the news.

TLJ talks to The Asset. Dialog is somewhat cryptic, but the essense is that The Asset should kill Jason.

I don't like The Asset.

Oh. Wait. Maybe Jason's dad isn't late. He just talked to him and he wasn't in celluloid.

Good Lord, I'm rubbish at this.

The Asset just referred to the minor Analyst as "the boss". I think he was being sarcastic.

60 minutes to go. I'm not sure I have the stamina..

Jason walking. Exciting music. Picks a lock in a second. He has skillz.

Asset just killed the team who were following Jason's dad.

It's supposed to be cofusing, right?

More dead people. I think that might have been Alpha Team, because they aren't responding. The other guys might have been Alpha team. TLJ thijnks Jason killed them, but it was the Asset. TLJ gives the kill order to Asset...

Nailbiting stuff.

When I said Alpha team earlier I might have meant Beta team. Not the second time, the first time. Or maybe the other way around. But anyway, both Alpha and Beta teams are dead.

Jason has triggered a fire alarm. I have no idea why.

Asset backed off from sniping Jason when some people turned up in a white van.

Aside: Our Jason hasn't hit anyone for at least 30 minutes. A bit disappointing, to be honest.

Jason is hustling dad/not dad/some bald, bearded geezer out of the crowd and to somewhere... maybe a hideout?

It's not his dad. So the celluloid memories didn't lie. *phew*

Jason is "interrogating" baldy so loudly The Asset can hear him. Uh, oh.

MAJOR SPOILER. NOPE, NOT THIS TIME. I WONT TELL YOU. YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT YOURSELF.

Asset shoots baldy and Our Jason. both fall a long way. Neither looks very well.

Our Jason breaks in to Analyst's white van. Analyst tells Our Jason that SV CEO's company is part of a global surveillance program. Well, D'Uh.

"See you in Vegas"

I guess the director wanted to play the tables.

Plane landing. I presume in vegas, but in this film, anything could happen.

Nope, London. And Our Jason is now called Michaels.

Meanwhile,. TLJ is in a "secure room upstairs" in Vegas.

The Asset goes to the gents. Grabs a backpack from Lost Property. and then...

Ack, lost him.

Our Jason has teleported to Vegas. Is disguised as a Security Guard. Suspension of disbelief? Essential.

Something is beepong. It's probably not important.

People walking. Dramatic music.

TLJ calls Analyst his protege. I think this means he's going to kill her. Sad music in prospect.

Oh, Ghod, 40 minutes to go. I don't know whether I have the strength to carry on.

Wait, what? A geek convention invites the Director of the CIA to speak, and everyone applauds?

"Let's just dive right in, okay?"

Err, no; let's not.

I hope Sniper 1 is ready, becaue SV CEO is going to say the wrong thing.

Our Jason gets a text message from "unknown sender"@ "SOMETHING IS WRONG".

In ALL CAPS, no less. Don't they know that's considered as shouting?

It turns out Sniper 1 was ready. CEO is down. repeat: CEO is Down!!!

Our Jason is hitting people! Finally!

People running.

Jason gets in the lift. CIA operative misses the door. Hits the stairs.

Oh, my... so exciting.

Jason confronts TLJ. "It all ends tonight".

Hmm. Psychodrama. I much prefer it when Our Jason is hitting people.

Shoot shoot bang bang. Analyst saves Our Jason by shooting TLJ. Kissy-kissy?

Not even any kissy-ksissy. FFS what kind of Jason Bourne film is this?

SWAT team on their way. Lots of squealing tyres. Mostly from Our Jason.

Car chase. 23 minutes to go. Yawn.

Multi-car pile-up. Our Jason manages to evade it all. So does The Asset. Gripping stuff.

Helicopters. Unintelligible voices on Police radios. Fast cars. Exciting music.

Squeal of brakes. crashing sounds. Our Jason escapes, barely. Shots fired... crash through Casino window... Oh, I can't look.

Jason is hurt :(

The Asset meets injured Jason in a tunnel. Fighting. Lots of fighting! Yay!

Oh, oh. Asset is strangling Our Jason with a cable.

Jason manages to somehow not be strangled, kills the Asset by staring at him really hard.

Arial shot of Vegas.

Dead CEO appears not to be dead. Fucking confusing film.

Analyst: "There are still moves we can make."

Lady, he didn't go all kissy-kissy even after you saved his life. Get the message, he's just not into you.

12 minutes to go. I hope this is one of those ilms with long credits.

Oh. wait. Our Jason has turned up to meet Analyst. She's given him an arm.

He walked away. Can't say I blame him. An arm? Really?

Analyst thinks Our Jason must be put down. Jason walks away, exciting music.

Oh my.

THE END

(thankfully)

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