Thread by @fozmeadows

listen, twitter. I'm not the kind of person who likes going into great public detail about my boobs, but I've just done the Responsible Thing and attempted to ascertain my Actual Bra Size and I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, what the ACTUAL FUCK is this NONSENSE?

like first off. FIRST OFF. I feel a deep and visceral certainty that the standard Bust Measurement is based on a yardstick set exclusively by Young, Perky-Full Breasts, and not the kind that droop now because you're in your thirties and breastfed a child at some point.

you know? this feels like a fairly BASIC THING that bra measurement ought to account for! we need a BREAST DENSITY MEASUREMENT up ins, my pals. like, what is the squish to squush ratio of the chestal area in question? how much lower than the band do your boobs lie when At Ease?

it is Bad Enough that I entered this self-sizing endeavour in the full knowledge that, like all women's clothing, bra sizes are not so much consistent between brands - or within the same brand, even - as they are determined by arcane rituals, whimsy and spite. BUT THEN.

THEN, the FIRST FUCKING TEST I TAKE has the absolute GALL, the SHEER UNMITIGATED CHEEK to tell me that my cup size is a G. which - and I cannot stress this enough - it emphatically ISN'T. even at my absolute heaviest and boob-biggest, which I'm not right now, I'm an E at *most*.

so I did the sensible thing and checked another test, this time on the lane bryant site. their methods - which of course different slightly to the first test - had me as an F.

AND AGAIN, I SAY UNTO THEE: IT IS NOT SO.

I went to a third site, the much-vaunted victoria's secret. presumably, the secret in question, which I'd be so bold as to say is badly kept, is We Only Like Young Thin Cisgirls, because their size-checker thing basically went "uhhhh NOPE, so sorry you don't exist, goodbye!"

so now, even though I have my Actual Physical Measurements to hand, I'm back to fucking guessing what shit to buy, because bra companies don't know how to cope with boobs that are not Perfectly Dense And Bouncy.

excuse me while I go SCREAM into this CONVENIENT VOID

regular brain: bras suck but at least they're useful
galaxy brain: why buy a bra when you can have... BOOB SPOONS
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with this product, you too can make your boobs look like giant inflamed pimples! amazon.com/AVIGOR-Silicon…