Thread by @AliceAvizandum

I’m going to do another thread as @seraph76 reads to me from Sex With The King, by Eleanor Herman, about how nasty royal fucking was

Napoleon III once entered a dimly lit palace drawing room, sat next to someone, out his hand up their skirt, found a silk stocking and pinched it, only to find it was a bishop

Ludwig I Of Bavaria was a Wikifeet Guy. ‘I want to take your feet into my mouth at once, without giving you the time to wash them after you’ve arrived from a trip’

She was a dancer, too

He wanted her to send him her used stockings, which she did twice

His letters to her are amusingly nasty. He talks about her cuño

Edward VII, to his mistress: I’ve spent enough on you to buy a battleship
Her: and you’ve spent enough in me to float one

Louis XIV’s son, as dauphin, had arranged to fuck this actress, who came to Versailles with a much older, much uglier female chaperone

So he opens his door, grabs the closest woman and pulls her inside. One of his servants has to pound on the door and shout that he has the wrong woman while the actress waits outside laughing her ass off

Finally the dauphin opens the door and says ‘the matter is completed, she will have to wait for another occasion’

Charles II’s Catholic mistress was fucking his playwright, so Charles goes to investigate and literally runs into him on the stair, trying to cover himself with his cloak

He asks what she’s doing there and she says, it’s Lent, I was making my devotions. He laughs and asks if he just ran into her confessor outside

The Duke of Marlborough also bangs her out, and she curries favour to get her boyfriends royal pensions. So one day Charles drops by unexpectedly and Marlborough jumps out of the window

Charles leans out and yells, ‘I forgive you, for you do it for your bread’

We’re back to Ludwig Feet Guy. His dancer ho, Lola Montez, is absolutely not loyal to him while this poor nerd is writing heartfelt letters to her

She doesn’t let him fuck her, only jerk off while he sucks her toes. Everyone tries to tell Ludwig she’s fucking everyone else but he refuses to believe it

At the University of Munich she has a literal fan club who follow her around

He got deposed and still got hurt more by realising she was fucking around. He wrote poetry about it for the next 20 years until his death

Francois I’s mistress was getting those back walls hit by an admiral, who heard the king coming and jumped under the logs in the fireplace. Before Francois fucks her, he decides to piss in the fireplace, soaking the poor guy who then has to wait there silently for hours

Most mistresses weren’t pretty. Lots of kings fucked beautiful courtiers once and then found them insanely boring

It’s more important to have a cheerful disposition, some diplomatic talent, a willingness to raise a bunch of children including some that aren’t yours, and to be outwardly charming and untroubling all the time

Louis XIV thought he was honouring his mistresses by letting them ride in his carriage but they hated it because they were essentially on stage for hours longer

During one six hour ride to Fontainebleau one of them needed to piss so badly (and of course couldn’t mention it) that when they got there she pissed in the first vessel in the first room she found, which turned out to be the font in the chapel

‘We rarely hear of a queen exerting herself to exhaustion to please her husband, instead gliding through her marriage with solemn lethargy’

The mistress has to laugh and ride in the cold while the king hunts and butchers wild boar, or his falcons eat small birds, play card games for eighteen hours at a time, eat when not hungry, fuck when not horny, etc

The ones who have the best lives seem to be the mistresses of kings who like having foot-stomping dramatic arguments with them, like Charles

He claimed five of his mistress’ six children as legitimate, but when he wouldn’t claim the last one they had a fight in which she shouted, ‘damn you, whoever got it you will claim it, or I will bring it to Whitehall and dash its brains out before you’

Within a week he was begging for her forgiveness on his knees

Also the ones with real education and talent had a vivid intellectual life - Madame de Pompadour grew the first strawberries in France for her lover, and they used to discuss architecture and gem-cutting and porcelain

His favourite thing was when her spies in the palace police would open letters from courtiers in secret, and she would read him the funniest bits while he roared with laughter

He was still, as kings are, totally oblivious. One night she was suffering from an awful migraine, and she tried to cancel dinner. He asked if she was feverish, and on hearing that she was not, said ‘very well, let her come down’, and so she has to plaster on a smile

They genuinely do seem to have loved each other, but her entire job was to please him at any cost to herself. They both seem to have been incredibly lonely

It’s a mark of how well she did it that Louis waited four years after her death to name another maîtresse en titre

Her successor, Madame du Berry, is unusual because she bathes several times a week, still has all her own teeth and no smallpox scars

She once appeared in a dress of cloth of gold worth *five million livres*

More of this later

okay so Lola Montez is fucking great. this is she, famed Spanish dancer

it’s a stage name, she’s born Eliza Gilbert in County Sligo in Ireland, and this poor foot fetishist German is writing her letters in Spanish about her pussy

after the monarchy collapses she tries going on stage across Europe again, then Australia, where this happens

she died of syphilis in Brooklyn at age 39. we stan a nymphomanic dominatrix Irish queen