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I watched back through some of my older videos. I was surprised to see how much has changed. I used to think my first few videos were good, but now they feel awkward and stilted. There's still jokes I'm proud of, but the rest not so much. Exhibit A:
My presenting has improved over the years, I hardly ever used to smile. I was less enthusiastic in the way I spoke. I find it hard to listen to that Jon. My most viewed video (Top 10 Couples Games) has that nervy, unconfident presenting - which is a shame.
Releasing a big video is weird because you've poured your heart into it and you're exhausted and you're desperate for it to succeed. But you're so close to it that you can't really see it for what it truly is.
I vividly remember making my Zombie Games video, it was a torrid labour of love. I was gutted when it wasn't the success I expected. I was convinced it was great. Looking back now the presenting is awkward, the shot is terrible and the acting is weak.
It's got some jokes in it that I'm really proud of, but they're wasted inside a 20 minute disappointment. It's perfect ammunition for a fear of failure. I'm amazed I ever even let myself finish videos.
And yet I remember lots of lovely comments and people picking out certain jokes they liked. Thank you to those people for seeing potential in my style and persisting. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have.
The important lesson is that I needed to make all those mistakes and practice my presenting and hone my style. I wish I'd done those videos justice but I couldn't back then. And it's better to have made something than nothing.
My presenting starts to relax and improve around the time of my Alternatives to Pictionary video. I at least look like I'm having more fun with it.
One I'm really proud of is my Hidden Movement video. I must have spent ages writing it because it's got so many jokes in it. I'm clearly having fun playing Sherlock x2, Frank Justice and Timmy. It feels like a point at which I stepped it up a gear.
That was a strong era for Actualol - I made my "Why You Should Never Play Monopoly" video and my Pandemic Legacy song a few months later. I was trying out new things and they were working. Then my anxiety hit later that year and derailed things.
During 2018 I was consumed by working full-time and my ability to make big videos diminished. And after putting down the wigs and jokes whilst I was struggling with my anxiety, I was nervous to pick them back up.
I left my job in November and it gave me the time to make another big video for Christmas. In the moment, I was too close to it to know if it was good. But watching it back now I'm really proud of it. It's snappy, well produced and entertaining.
In the coming week(s) I will share the biggest (in terms of effort) video I've ever made. And right now I can't tell for sure how good it is. I hope in the future I will look back on it with pride. I'm excited to share it but nervous too.
