Thread by @garius

MAY: So how do I get MV3 past Bercow?
LIDINGTON: We're trying again?
MAY: This is my Return of the Jedi moment
HAMMOND: It does feel like we're being repeatedly mauled by Ewoks
LEADSOM: Why are you here?
HAMMOND: Fuck knows. I've no idea anymore. It's like the living dead in here

LIDINGTON: What if we change the font size? Would that count as a significant difference?
LEADSOM: We already used that for MV2
LIDINGTON: Ah
MAY: We could attach it to a Regret Motion?
HAMMOND: Well we've certainly got plenty of those
MAY: Can you at least PRETEND to be helpful?

MAY: Okay what about separating the deal from the political declaration?
LIDINGTON: Can we do that?
LEADSOM: I don't know
HAMMOND: Are you mad?! The DUP will roast you
MAY: but will it work? Where's Michael? Devious shit is his MO
HAMMOND: At the ERG. It's Thatcher Fanfic Friday

<at the ERG>

BAKER: Thatcher locked eyes with him across the table. 'Oh, that's how you like it?' She said. 'Well maybe I should be MaaSTRICT with you'
GOVE <phone>: bE quiCk. ThIS iS geTTInG gOOd
HAMMOND: PM needs you here
GOVE: Is GrAYLinG thERe?
HAMMOND: Yes
GOVE: tHeN nO

HAMMOND: Gove won't come while Chris is here
GRAYLING: Hello!
MAY: Why?
HAMMOND: He's been weird ever since Chris got that comfort duck
M'GREH: quACk
LEADSOM: Why IS Chris here?
MAY: It's a secret
GRAYLING: I'm the next Prime Minister!
HAMMOND: Fucking WHAT?!
MAY: GodDAMMIT Chris

LEADSOM: CHRIS is your successor?!
MAY: Yes
LIDINGTON: That's CRAZY! No offence
GRAYLING: None taken
LEADSOM: The DUCK would be better. No offence
GRAYLING: None taken
HAMMOND: It's putting Pooh in charge of a honey factory! No offence
GRAYLING: I'm getting a little offended now

LIDINGTON: Chris CAN'T succeed you
MAY: He will continue my legacy
HAMMOND: Well he IS good at fucking things up
GRAYLING: Definitely offended now
LIDINGTON: Theresa! No!
MAY: Well will YOU?
LIDINGTON: PM! I... no
MAY: Then it's Chris
HAMMOND: This must be how Albert Speer felt

MAY: Look. We separate the Arrangement out and I quit. Boris and Jacob have agreed they'll back it.
HAMMOND: Boris SAID that did he?
MAY: Yes. Last night
HAMMOND: Might want to check today's paper
MAY: That slippery FUCK
LEADSOM: To be fair, 7hrs of loyalty is a new personal best

MAY: Okay fine. We've still got Jacob. He'll...
HAMMOND: Hang on, Gove is calling... Hello?
GOVE <phone whiper>: sTiLL wiTH thE PM?
HAMMOND: Yup
GOVE: KeEP qUIeT. I'm PuTTIng yOU oN sPeaKER

<the ERG>

BAKER: We will NOT be cowed! Liberty! Egality! Grand Wizardry!
ERG: Huzzah!

BAKER: Was BRITAIN cowed by the Normans?
GOVE: eRM
ERG: No!
BAKER: Did BRITAIN stand ALONE at Waterloo?
GOVE: wELL the gERMaNs, dUTch and BeLGIAns
ERG: Yes!
BAKER: Did BRITAIN WIN at Dunkirk?!
GOVE: Oh CoME oN
ERG: Yes!
BAKER: We will FIGHT on the Beaches of Brexit!
ERG: HUZZAH!

HAMMOND: Well that's the ERG out.
MAY: Shit.
LEADSOM: Pull the vote?
MAY: No. It can still get through.
LIDINGTON: How?
MAY: We just need enough Labour rebels.
HAMMOND: So we're relying on Corbyn being shit at whipping?
MAY: Yup
HAMMOND: That's... not the worst plan
MAY: Indeed

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