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Switching to vodka soda because I’m not a quitter and I owe you the weird Sunday tweets you all deserve.
My connecting flight to LAX is officially cancelled and I’ve been sitting on the arrival tarmac for 2 hours so let’s do thisssss
This dude is currently demanding to be allowed off the plane (on tarmac) because he’s a doctor. No additional justification. The captain is attempting to be nice but also completely baffled. Doctor: “it is ridiculous that you would keep me, a doctor, on the plane this long.”
On the other hand, I, a lawyer, would like another vodka soda.
This has not happened yet but if anyone suggests we leave the comfort of this beverage service I plan to deliver an impassioned rebuttal.
Hour 3 of sitting on the arrival tarmac. I tried searching flights from ORD to LAX today and the search engine just errored out. LOL
Captain is letting a small child look at the controls in the cockpit. Idk if this is FAA compliant but it’s fucking cuuuuuuttttteeeeee.
Drunk and aggressive me reading “lawsuit” like ooooooo could be fun
To be fair, drunk and aggressive me also like, yeah that sounds like a ton of work.
HAHAHAHAHA the captain just came over the PA to tell us that he requested a bus to come pick us up off this cornfield laden tundra gateway to deepdish and the controller straight up DENIED the request. I will live out my life on this plane. We will built an equitable society.
I have built a friendship with the tiny human seated behind me. Her name is Elaine. I suspect her parents named her after the Seinfeld character but I won’t bring it up. She will be my #2 in the plane society.
Elaine tells me she is traveling back to Des Moines from Charlotte where she was visiting family with her dad. Her dad has headphones on and sized me up before deciding I am safe. I am - but he should watch his back in plane society because he seems irresponsible. Elaine is cool.
I’m not sure he’s in coach so I can’t see him. This strikes me as worth addressing in plane society but Elaine wants to be a dentist so he may become obsolete.
(I asked Elaine if she was willing to be a doctor specifically for this reason and she was willing to compromise on dentist which I felt was big of her)
ELAINE HAS FRUIT SNACKS OMG
They are in the shape of marine animals.
Elaine prefers the manta ray and laments that it has no fruit snack vestige. I suggest maybe this is better because she would end up eating it. She contemplates, but stands firm in her contempt for manta ray-less snacks. She thinks it’s weird but fine that I’m telling you this.
WE ARE MOVING! allegedly we have a gate. I feel torn. Four hours on the tarmac with Elaine is making me rethink my life goals.
How does a person politely ask to commandeer a person’s child. I need suggestions quick please
Oh shit well played but yikes.
This is the customer service line at ORD. it’s 20 gates long. BONUS Elaine also has to wait. Her dad’s name is Tom. He’s actually pretty nice and seems relieved to have me around. He’s currently on the phone yelling at someone. 
Tom agrees to watch my things while I grab a drink. This is clearly in exchange for me watching his child and I...whatever. This is plane society the rules are different.
Thanks to @MaxKennerly I have informed Elaine that in fact there is a gummy variant of her favorite marine animal. She is unimpressed. She asks what is in my to go cup and I tell her it’s for grown ups to which she rolls her eyes. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batoidea
Elaine is 8 and she tells me that when she is ten she’s allowed to have her own email address. This is relevant because I’ve rebooked and need to go to a different terminal. I am feeling like I’d rather miss my meeting to hang out with her. What is this?? Is this how parents feel
I am in mourning.
Sidebar. Tell me why I just got hey girled in the GOD DAMN AIRPORT
Stopping for a shot of Jameo. Elaine would not approve.
I have arrived in the new, Elaine-less terminal. It is cold. There are no marine animal shaped snacks that I can see. Also the flight I’m supposed to be on is nowhere to be found on the departure list. I feel adrift, away from the warmth of plane society where things made sense.
I should have stolen her.
So I’m boarding a flight to Minneapolis and this feels like a REAL GAMBLE.
Hahahaha holy shit I’m placing a 3M meeting on the capabilities of Minneapolis and I’m increasingly feeling like me, Elaine, and an Uber would have better chances.
I miss her you guys.
I will not.
Plane society is a harsh reality. One where those most adept for leadership are either quelled or diverted - separated and left to mindlessly consume gummy marines. The real plane society was the friends we lost along the way.
What is there to do in Des Moines anyway.
Ok so big picture (bc I’m still on the tarmac) 15 years from now a young bright spitfire named Elaine enters the scene and tells a story about a lady on a plane. How cool? How improbable. But if there’s a thousand more ladies like me...maybe.
She will win any battle. Isn’t that what little girls are for?
I know that kidnapping is a crime but what if you’re a very cool feminist friend coming to liberate a stifled princess #lawtwitter please weigh in.
Omgggggg I’m not actually going to kidnap Elaine I have a meeting.
I promise I’m not.
Against all odds I have made it onto a flight to LA from mother fucking Minneapolis. Better drink to celebrate.
