Thread by @JacquelynGill

Tomorrow, I’m having a hysterectomy to treat my adenomyosis. There are things I would rather do right now than talk about my abortion, but given what’s happening right now to restrict access to basic healthcare across the US, I’ve decided I can no longer sit on my story.

When I was in college, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I hadn’t fully realized it, but my friends had, and they were urging me to leave. I got pregnant, despite using protection. I knew that, at 20, I wasn’t ready. I worried my dreams of grad school would be over.

I also believed then that if I stayed pregnant, I’d stay in a bad relationship.

I know there are lots of people who have kids and still finish school, etc. But that was my reality. I’d had a car repossessed. We could barely make rent.

I also know I don’t have to justify my decision to anyone. But we so often focus on the abortion stories of those facing health risks or fetuses that aren’t viable. Those are valid reasons, but they’re not the ONLY valid reasons.

I wanted to be a mom. Just not then, with him.

So I went to Planned Parenthood. I made an appointment for a first-trimester procedure. I showed up. I was on my dad’s health insurance. They told me it didn’t cover abortions for dependents, only the spouse. I couldn’t pay.

I went home.

As I left the clinic (which I’d driven two hours to), a doctor told me that in Vermont, Medicaid paid for abortions. I could apply for emergency coverage since I was pregnant, and use it to cover my procedure. I was so relieved.

I went to the state office (in between classes and my full-time job). The clerk asked me why I was applying for emergency Medicaid.

“I’m pregnant,” I said. “The doctor at Planned Parenthood said I could use it to cover my abortion.”

She told me there was no such thing.

I believed her. Years later, it occurred to me to look it up.

She lied.

At that point, we had no options. I couldn’t ask my Catholic parents. So we decided we’d use the only windfall 20-year-olds have: my income tax return, or my student loan check. Whichever came first.

And we waited.

By the time the money came, we couldn’t find a clinic in New England that would perform the procedure. I was nearly 20 weeks. The closest we could find were clinics in NYC and Philly. We were quoted $2000+, “and that doesn’t include anesthesia.” We didn’t have that much.

One clinic told us, “we don’t typically perform the procedure when the fetus is viable” (at 18-19 weeks, it’s not).

Finally, someone said, “have you considered Montreal? Clinique Médicale Fémina does them, and will be closer and much cheaper.”

I called the clinic in Montreal. They told me I needed an ultrasound to confirm I was within 20 weeks. Planned Parenthood made an ultrasound appointment for me at the local hospital. They said they’d tell the technician what it was for.

When I got there, the technician verified that I was just about 20 weeks. Then she told me the sex, without asking. She told me that the fetus was healthy, while I cried on the table.

I had them fax the results to Clinique Médicale Fémina.

A friend who was from Montreal volunteered to drive me. I would stayed at her Mom’s house the night before, and the day after. During the three days of the procedure, I’d stay at a hotel next to the clinic.

The day before I left for the procedure, I felt the fetus move.

Everyone at Clinique Médicale Fémina was amazing. I remember the procedure cost $450 CDN, anaesthesia inclided. They were angry my boyfriend was “too busy” to come with me. They were angry at the lies I’d been told. They made me feel seen, and heard. They let me cry.

For two days, I lay in a bed in the hotel, sleeping and watching bad TV and reading the Dragonlance Chronicles, while Laminaria sticks enlarged my cervix for the procedure. I felt the fetus stop moving.

I was awake for the procedure, on morphine and with nitrous oxide. I felt everything.

Everything.

These details matter. I’m sharing them very deliberately. Because it’s important that you know that this was not the abortion I wanted, even though I do not regret it.

The woman who lied to me didn’t prevent my abortion.

What she did was make sure that my abortion was much more painful and invasive and traumatic than it needed to be.

Because barriers to access don’t stop abortions.

Barriers. To. Access. Don’t. Stop. Abortions.

After my procedure, I felt only relief. It was so deep and total that it was like flying. It was like landing. It was like being born.

I have never regretted having an abortion, though I wish it had been different.

And I grieved, and that is my right, too.

It was years before I could talk about it to close friends. The first time I told someone I didn’t know was a few weeks ago, when I pleaded with my state representative to vote yes to allow Mainecare to cover abortions. I cried, to my embarrassment.

He voted no anyway.

(The Maine House and Senate have since both passed LD820, which would require Mainecare to cover abortion access.)

This is the first time I’ve publicly told this story. It won’t be the last. I hate that we have to perform our trauma, to tell these stories that are, frankly, no one’s business. At the same time, like my hysterectomy tomorrow, abortions are life-saving, normal, necessary.

And finally, with the dialog focusing on red states and conservatives, I wanted to show you that even in Bernie Sanders’ own progressive Vermont, where state health insurance covered abortion even back in 2000, I faced barriers to care.

We can ALL do better to improve access.

After tomorrow, I will be incapable of getting pregnant, forever. And as heartbroken as that makes me, I still wouldn’t have chosen differently.

And I will fight with ever fiber in my being for you. I will fight so that you can have the abortion you choose, on your terms.

Goodbye, uterus. You’re as broken as my heart, and we deserved better.

I have this print I bought from my friend around the time of my abortion: “Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist. Keep loving. Keep fighting.”

So is your uterus.

Keep loving. Keep fighting.

P.S. @GovPhilScott, I hope you sign Vermont's abortion rights bill into law. wcax.com/content/news/V…