MEDIA: not your usual beltway wonk
CANDIDATE 2: *repeats neo Nazi rhetoric*
MEDIA: connects with the working class
CANDIDATE 3: *uses racist slurs*
MEDIA: unconventional!
CANDIDATE 4: *is a woman*
MEDIA: whoa! is America ready for THIS?
CANDIDATE 4: *exhaustively details 12 separate policies*
VOTER: You try WAY too hard, lady.
CANDIDATE 1: *belches sexist joke*
VOTER: Now this is a guy I could get a beer with
CANDIDATE 4: *89 more policies, each bolder than the first*
VOTER: you were a woman the whole time you said all that
CANDIDATE 4: ...
VOTER: Just blatantly female
VOTER: look I’m not sexist but can you imagine listening to that voice for four years
CANDIDATE 1: *has a voice that sounds like a hobo farting in a mud puddle*
VOTER: what I like about him is he doesn’t sound like other politicians
CANDIDATE 4: *1 scandal from 18 years ago*
MEDIA: let’s do 100 articles on each of them, about their scandals
“Then they’d better get ready.”