Thread by @marcyjcook

Green Flags 💚

You know, those signs you are in a positive relationship

People talk about red flags so often but what about green flags?

Well, lets discuss... 💚

They listen

Not in the 'waiting for my turn to speak' way but in the 'I hear what you are saying' way

There is a huge difference between these two ways of listening and you can often tell which people are doing by the body language of the listener

Compromise

But never to the point of undue hardship, where you compromise yourself

Compromise is not something only one person in a relationship does, those in a relationship need to bend with the winds of change but be willing to stand when need be - and have that respected

Genuinely respect their partner(s)

Respect is vital for a positive relationship

Not what do you love about them, but what do you respect about them

I respect my partners core desire to be a good person to those around her. She doesn't always succeed but it is in her essence.

So ask yourself, what do I respect about my partner(s)

Then ask yourself, what do they respect about me?

Once you've thought about it then you should ask them :)

Be open and able to change how they behave

If they do something that frustrates you or makes you uncomfortable they should be open to talking about that without rancour and be willing to shift there behaviour

Change is a vital part of a relationship and everyone involved should be willing to change there behaviour to enhance the relationship

But again, not to the point of undue hardship; just like with compromise

Not this Rancor...

Never puts you down - or you put them down - and means it

Some relationships are joke based and this can be healthy for some people, but not for the majority of people where putting down the other is undercutting them

Even with lighthearted jokes some discussion needs to exist

Support for each other - even when they or you don't see the 'value' in what the others activity, belief or passion is

This is so important:

Building the other person/people up is not dependant on your approval

If you disagree, you do so in a way you both like

If you both like to shout, OK. If you both like to calmly talk it out, OK.

Your disagreements need to be an area you agree on. It's easy to communicate when you both agree but we don't often think about how we disagree

How you disagree is vital to if your relationship is going to work out

You want the #1 indicator of if you are in a potentially happy long term relationship - how you disagree is it

There is a lot of research on this, some of which point to the volume of disagreements a relationship has. It is thought there is a interaction relationship ratio that is an indicator of a positive relationship

5:1

Five positive interactions to every one negative interaction

This is not arguments, which are the extreme end of disagreements. This includes minor interactions.

If your interactions are positive five times more often than negative it is an indicator of a happy relationship

Can apologise and mean it

When, not if, you make a mess of thinks you can own it and say sorry

No excuses, no equivocation, a flat up I'm sorry. And if the situation needs it a follow up with how you will go about being better going forward

Supports 'you time'

You time can come in many forms, not just over many relationships and personalities but also in one relationship

You time can be going out to see your friends or wanting to read a book in peace

Your partner(s) support for you time is so important

You time can be vital for us introverts so this can be complex if you are in an introvert/extrovert relationship

You need to balance what you both need and how you both need to recharge

'You time' is often about recharging

Extroverts mostly recharge with human interaction, talking or undertaking activities, e.g. meeting friends

Introverts mostly recharge through time with limited human interaction, e.g. reading or gaming

There is no 'one size fits all' though

Actively support your partner(s) 'you time'

Ask what they need, how you can help fulfil that need

Laugh together

Be silly, make jokes, enjoy being in the others company

Laughter is relationship oil, it smooths the workings of every other part of the relationship

If you are not the laughing type of person then the equivalent is joy

Have joy in the others company

Express affection and appreciation

Not just every day but often

Through both words and action

If you struggle with this then ask your partner(s) 'How can I say and show that I love you?'

Intentional appreciation is a huge indicator for a happy relationship

This needs to be done in a way that works for you both and might require you to sit down and discuss it

Appreciation might be touching, or flowers, or never leaving plates on the counter above the dishwasher

You discuss and maintain sexual boundaries

This can mean a lot of different things, some of which I will go into shortly, but in essence it means:

You have a happy and respectful sex life regardless of if you are having sex every five minutes or not at all

Sex can be difficult to navigate in a relationship, it requires open and honest communication

You'll see sex come up time and time again in advice columns and it comes down knowing your own needs, and desires, and communicating them

Sexual needs and desires are innate to us and will fluctuate over time

NRE and passionate sex will shift as a relationship matures

Some people go through periods of time of having lots of sex, or none, then flip the other way

Relationships need to be sexually flexible

How that looks will change for every relationship, what is important though is:
- you know what you need, or can communicate that you are still searching
- you communicate honestly and openly
- you can listen and accept others communication

If your partner is respectful to people around them that they don't know

A common example is this, is your partner nice to wait staff at a restaurant?

The everyday interactions between people show who they are inside

Relationships come in many forms

Look for red flags before you get in deep

But look for green flags too - these are just as important!