Thread by @SlavaMalamud

So, maybe I got spoiled by "Chernobyl", but my kid got me to watch the entire Indiana Jones series, and we just got to "Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Russkies", or whatever it is the 4th one is called. Holy crap, my face might be permanently stuck in the cringe grimace!

I feel like a need to do a thread just detailing every single cringe-worthy scene. It may run into hundreds.

Let me start with this character. This character DOES NOT EXIST. I don't mean it's a fictional character in the way it never existed. I mean it could not exist. They may have as well dressed a unicorn in a vaguely SPECTRE-like costume and called it Colonel Generalissimo Drago.

I mean, she gets into the movie by saying "Prostite", which tells me that the script writer asked a random Russian person how to say "Excuse me" in Russian. In reality, this phrase would only be used by an elderly librarian when asking a pregnant mother whether it's her bus stop.

Listen, Han Solo, people in Eastern Ukraine speak Russian. Always have. To the extent that they have a Ukrainian accent it manifests in pronouncing their G's as H's. Which is similar to what people in Western, Northern and Southern Ukraine do. Screw you, idiot. Carbamite for you!

OK, Colonel Dr... Are you sure you are not General Math Teacher? Or Admiral Lawyer? Captain Prostitute? Private Road Sweeper?.. Should I even tell you that there were no female colonels? Or people named Spalko... And WHAT IS HER ACCENT? Where are those wubble-yous? It's just RRRR

Yes. TREE TAYMZ she has received the highest CIVILIAN honor in the USSR as well as a medal of Hero of Socialist Labor, also reserved for civilians. I guess, she is a Soviet version of Col. Sanders. TREE TAYMZ have I mixed herbs and spices to find PERFEKT RECIPE OF CHIKKEN!

OK, can we talk about what she is wearing? I mean, I know, the Nazi Blonde in Movie 3 wasn't exactly in proper storm trooper uniform but it's believable because Nazis at least were known for their fashion sense. But this is a Soviet Doktor Koronel! Why the serial killer jumpsuit?

Ah, now we can figure out who the Doctoring Colonel Spicy Chicken is! Here is her dossier! Wait, what? It says Moscow, which is most definitely not in Eastern Ukraine, or any Ukraine. And place of birth? Kazan! Which is, like, ditto. And why a hat on official document photos?

So, let's put it in familiar terms. Let's say we, heroic Russian spies, have been captured by evil Amerrrrikans and, judging by the way they pronounce the TH sound as D we guess they are from Central Arkansas. Their dossier says Hollywood, and the place of birth is Key West. Yup.

I needed a break to detox from this. Can America be forbidden from making movie about Russia forever?

I mean, who is the third-rate loser they got off the Hollywood scrap heap of talent to direct this crap? I hope he never gets to film a movie about anything of historical significance, like the Holocaust or something. I mean, can you imagine?

Seriously. I can't get over this. TREE TAYMZ!!! She received TREE TAYMZ ze order ov ze Lenin. Or is it the order of three Lenins? Lenin the son, Lenin the father and Lenin the armored steam train of Revolution? TREE TAYMZ!!! Kill me now. I won't be able to fall asleep.

OK, I don't need to tell you, of course, that this is standard issue Glorious Soviet Poker, GSP-47, regulation weapon for all female coloneling doctors. But can you tell me who this woman is? She is easily the worst actress ever created onto this long-suffering earth.

So let me tell you a bit about the great Soviet school of truck fencing. The first Olympic champion in truck sabre was the glorious Colonel Master Stupislav Wagstaffski who defeated the unbeatable American Dzheyms Smeet in a five-round contest in Tokyo 1964 by killing his truck.

(Dies in Eastern Ukrainian)
Seriously, I am getting brain damage here. And I am not even trying to follow the whole shiny skull plotline. My attention is glued to the crazy lady in a wig and nobody else.

Little known fact: turning you into us was an actual Soviet plan for destroying America. It involved 3 steps.
1. Making you like kefir, a fermented clotted milk beverage with the taste of the Motherland's tears.
2. (Classified)
3. You all are fans of Spartak Moscow now.

This glorious socialist truck has evidently been awarded with the Order of Red Banner. Not TREE TAYMZ, apparently, but still a pretty incredible achievement for a motor vehicle. The order was given for heroism in combat, and I can only assume this was awarded for truck fencing.

Me right now

Spalko... Her name was Spalko... Remember her non-existent name. She died for our sins... TREE TAYMZ!
Slava out. Need drink now.

I am revisiting this thread now to announce that I still can't get over this latrine explosion of a movie. The phrase "TREE TAYMZ HAVE I RECEIVED THE SOCIALIST ORDER OF COMMUNIST LABOR LENIN MEDAL OF HERO!" is so firmly embedded in my mind. I may or may not have yelled it at kids