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1. My dear Jil, there are things that create relationship. Just as there are things that destroy relationship. If you want a relationship you have to do the things that create relationship. #Letr2Jil
2. What you’re doing will destroy your relationship. And they will destroy any marriage from within. There are marriages that implode without a single fight. #Letr2Jil
3. Attitudinal disposition is a major issue in marriage. It’s what creates the conditions in marriage. Disposition is huge in marriage. #Letr2Jil
4. The reason you’re having issues with your boyfriend is because you’re trying to impose on him, trying to tell him what to do. Men naturally resist such things, even if you’re right. #Letr2Jil
5. These things don’t get discussed in marriage seminars because they don’t fall under a titular head. And yet they’re real. #Letr2Jil
6. If your boyfriend tells you he doesn’t like something and you double down on it and try to impose it on him, you don’t want a relationship. #Letr2Jil
7. Same thing goes for him. If you don’t like something and he tries to force-feed you with it you’re going to choke and gag. If he continues the relationship will explode with your anger. #Letr2Jil
8. You can’t have a self-righteous disposition in a relationship, believing only you know what’s best and doubling down, dictating with your tone. Even if you’re right that disposition will destroy the relationship. You’re imposing. And stubbornly too. #Letr2Jil
9. There’s being right, and there’s the need for wisdom about being right. Approach matters in a relationship. #Letr2Jil
10. If your boyfriend feels he can’t talk to you or you’ll never listen, that relationship is either going to break or it’s going to be hard. In which case it’s not worth it because you’ll be unhappy. There’ll be constant fights. #Letr2Jil
11. Because being right is so important to you, you’ll end up running down your boyfriend in front of third parties and in public. It’s disrespectful. If he does the same it’s equally disrespectful. #Letr2Jil
12. Some men put down their wives in public. That’s disrespectful. But it’s no less disrespectful when a woman does the same to her husband. Some things are venue-sensitive. #Letr2Jil
13. You can’t reduce the social value of your boyfriend or husband in full glare of the public and expect a pat on the back. #Letr2Jil
14. Insisting on having your way never augurs well in a relationship. Same fate goes for believing you can do whatever you like and get away with it. Many of these things come from self-centredness. #Letr2Jil
15. It can’t be about you it has to be about the other party. When both of you have such a disposition the relationship becomes so beautiful. You put each other first. That fosters caring and sensitivity. #Letr2Jil
16. A relationship is not a one-way avenue. You can’t do wrong stuff and not expect a reaction. A reaction is quite natural. #Letr2Jil
17. And I’m not talking about you do me I do you God no go vex. No, I’m saying when you do stuff in a relationship the other party naturally reacts. #Letr2Jil
18. The nature of men is that once a man feels he can’t get through to you he’ll leave you alone. He’ll studiously employ ignominy. As a woman you can’t take that, so why do these things you do. Why be so self-centred? #Letr2Jil
19. Of course you know what you’re doing is wrong; it’s just that you just want to have your way all the time. It’s more important to you than the relationship. And you always expect the other party to forbear. #Letr2Jil
20. The amazing thing is that if this relationship breaks, your narrative will be that you’re the victim. You won’t be open to the fact you’re not the victim, that the other party is. That’s because you must always be right and righteous. #Letr2Jil
21. You can’t see things other way round. You’re so enmeshed in yourself and in your worldview. There’s no other view except yours. #Letr2Jil
22. Whoever wants friendship has to do what friends do. I’m paraphrasing Solomon but you get the point. #Letr2Jil
23. Drop these things. That your mother gets away with it doesn’t mean your boyfriend will take it. He’s not your father. And anyway you know your mum is difficult. Why become her? #Letr2Jil
24. I keep telling you not to lose the love of those who genuinely love you. Don’t push those who love you to the edge. #Letr2Jil
25. If every time someone talks to you, you respond with accusation, argumentativeness and difficulty chances are they’ll seek to avoid you. #Letr2Jil
26. The relationship will become civil, reduced to dutiful greetings that maintain a cordiality but lacks substance. You won’t be free with each other. The guy will be careful what he says. An accusation might just spring forth. #Letr2Jil
27. You acknowledge yourself that this guy is great. Why not treat him like someone special? Why do you assume he’ll always be there no matter what you do. What if he just decides he’s had enough? #Letr2Jil
28. Now you hardly talk. He’s slowly erasing you from his memory. His concept of beauty is being edited. Your features are being deleted. Once that editorial work is complete it will be very difficult to reconstruct your image. You’ll no longer be his ideal. #Letr2Jil
29. There’s something he likes about you. Why kill it? When you do these things you box yourself into a corner. And instead of apologising you seek to brush things under the carpet, pretending nothing happened. It doesn’t work that way with men. #Letr2Jil
30. Nature abhors a vacuum. In your memorial absence someone’s going to fill your place. All you’ll have is the comfort of your pride. Ultimately pride is lonely, but it’s unrepentant. #Letr2Jil
31. Why don’t you just send him a text apologising for what you did. And please don’t try and justify your action. That’s that self-righteousness again. Besides you’re doubling down on what the guy doesn’t like, what he complained about. #Letr2Jil
32. And stop pointing fingers at your boyfriend. All that finger pointing is accusatory. Nobody likes being accused, even if indirectly, or by insistence on a contentious point of view. #Letr2Jil
33. The danger with these things you do is that if you don’t drop them now they’re going to define you. At a point in life they’re going to be so you, you’ll be synonymous with them. No hope of redemption then. #Letr2Jil
34. How can we underestimate the value of a relationship and yet repudiate loneliness! #Letr2Jil
35. We can’t keep treating our relationship anyhow and always expecting the other party to keep forbearing. Some day he’ll just get tired. God help you if he gets tired in marriage. #Letr2Jil
36. But he will eventually get tired. No one can sustain a relationship in a hail of negative behaviour, especially wilfulness and contrariness. #Letr2Jil
37. You can’t be emotionally dismissive either, treating other people’s emotions like a cold boss summoning and dismissing at will. #Letr2Jil
38. If you want to keep a relationship continuous interaction is important. There has to be continuous contact. It’s why it’s called relationship. #Letr2Jil
39. You can’t have the attitude of, “When I’m less busy I’ll give you five minutes of relationship and thereafter shoo off. When next I’m disposed I’ll text you or reply your text.” #Letr2Jil
40. You can’t be in a relationship and refuse to reply texts. The guy will feel you’re dodging whatever the issue is, or treating him with ignominy, or even seeking to control the relationship. He may feel you want to put him in a state of perpetual chase. #Letr2Jil
41. It’s polite to respond to texts from your partner. If you can’t engage at a particular moment text back your circumstance - if you can; that’s essentially asking for deferment of conversation. If you promise you’ll call back, call back. #Letr2Jil
42. These are simple courtesies. But you’ll be shocked how the absence of simple courtesies can destroy a relationship. #Letr2Jil
43. If you feel you can do whatever you like in a relationship you’re going to treat your partner badly and disrespectfully. You’ll derogate his value. #Letr2Jil
44. Why don’t you simply offer an apology for what you did? Offer a profuse apology. Don’t just send a terse text. Genuinely say you’re sorry. Then try and make it up to your partner. #Letr2Jil
45. These things keep a relationship. They make the other party feel special and valued. Shows commitment to a relationship. #Letr2Jil
46. If you have a date don’t cancel at the last minute without regard to the other party, like the flick of an old Nokia phone. Treat people with respect. You can’t be self-centred, unfeeling and uncaring in a relationship. #Letr2Jil
47. Relationships demand sacrifice. In a relationship both parties must be willing to sacrifice for each other. It creates a bond of care. #Letr2Jil
48. This is what love is all about – sacrifice. It’s not so much what you say but what you do. Do! Demonstrate love and commitment. #Letr2Jil
49. It’s equally important your partner knows your love through your disposition. It gives comfort. #Letr2Jil
50. There must be things you’re willing to do for your partner, just because it’s your partner. #Letr2Jil
51. These are the simple things that make a relationship… Selflessness, respect, humility, care... These are local underpinnings. #Letr2Jil
52. Please don’t ignore them. #Letr2Jil
53. Your mentor, LA. #Letr2Jil
55. For related letters, search for EFFORT, ATTRACTION AND OTHER MATTERS, DFRM and JOURNEY OF ONENESS at jacknjillive.com.
56. © Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com
