Thread by @BryanONolan

While everyone is all caught up on the amazing fact that 50 year ago @TheRealBuzz and Neil Armstrong landed on the moon, do not forget that their amazing adventure did not end there. Several days later Earth's most intrepid explorers had to navigate Customs.

And so I present to you, the New, Corrected and Improved With Ukulele...

The Eagle Has Encountered Customs

(Like, for real)

https://twitter.com/BeschlossDC/status/1019972949120446464

HE: Anything to declare?
ARMSTRONG: Rocks and moon dust.
HE: Value?
ARMSTRONG: Um.
HE: We can’t just leave the line blank, you know.
ARMSTRONG: This is literally the only moon dust on Earth.
HE:
ARMSTRONG:
HE: I’ll put down $50.

HE: And plants or seeds?
ARMSTRONG: From the moon.
HE: From the moon.
ARMSTRONG: No.
HE: Any foreign currency?
ARMSTRONG: Moon currency.
HE:
ARMSTRONG: No.
HE: Any animals or insects?
ARMSTRONG: Look can’t you just consult the manifest.
HE:
ARMSTRONG: No.

HE: Passport?
ARMSTRONG: Huh? No.
HE: Oh, that was most unwise, Sir. To be in a location with a Federal Travel Restriction without-
ARMSTRONG: A travel restriction. For the moon.
HE: Umhm. Says here “Region hostile to human life.”
ARMSTRONG: Oh, for f-

HE: Anywho! Without a passport there could be delays were trouble to arise and you found yourself in need of shelter in an Embassy or Consulate.
ARMSTRONG: An embassy -
HE: Or consulate!
ARMSTRONG: - On the moon.
HE: I hope you’ve learned your lesson, sir.

ARMSTRONG: I just spent a little over a week in a tin can the size of a Buick with two other guys on a mission to land on the moon.
HE: And did you get out of your “Buick?”
ARMSTRONG: Yes.
HE: Did anyone ask, suggest or otherwise intimate that you should bare luggage for them?

ARMSTRONG: You can’t be serious.
HE: Don’t make me get the dogs, Sir.

ARMSTRONG: (standing in front of baggage claim) Little runt had me in customs for an hour. An hour, Collins!
COLLINS: Ahem. Some of us didn’t exactly get to, you know ...
ARMSTRONG: Oh, right. Sorry. Your job was important, too.
COLLINS: Not helping, Neil.

ARMSTRONG: Did you take up the cards to keep yourself busy like I suggested?
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG:
COLLINS: Solitaire? In zero gravity, Neil?
ARMSTRONG: Well, I hadn't considered -
COLLINS: Most of the hearts are behind the instrument panel.

ARMSTRONG: Where the hell is Aldrin. And where the hell is our luggage, we’ve been here at the baggage claim for half an hour already.
COLLINS: Here comes Deke.
ARMSTRONG: Deke! Where the hell is our luggage.
SLAYTON: What luggage?
ARMSTRONG: Couple pair of underpants, shirts.

COLLINS: I had some freeze-dried ice cream I was gonna take home to the kids.
SLAYTON: I’ll look into it. Where the hell is Aldrin?
ARMSTRONG: Probably stuck with that numbnuts in customs?
SLAYTON: Melvin?
ARMSTRONG: Yeah. Little twerp.
SLAYTON: He’s my nephew.

ARMSTRONG: Uh, I’m sure he’s a great kid.
ALDRIN: (runs up, breathless) That dink is customs screwed up my Duty Free order.
SLAYTON: That dink-
ARMSTRONG: - Duty Free? What are you talking about, Buzz.
ALDRIN: The magazine. It was right there in the seat pocket with the puke bag.

COLLINS: It’s the only reading material I had while guys were down there. The whiskey prices were out of this world!
ALDRIN: Bummed I didn’t get the novelty plastic pilots wings.
SLAYTON: You’re all pilots! You went to the moon!
COLLINS:
SLAYTON: Or...thereabouts.

ARMSTRONG: *grabs package from baggage carousel* My ukulele! Fantastic.
SLAYTON: Well, it's nice that -
ALDRIN: He only knows "The Girl From Ipanema."
COLLINS: And only half the lyrics of that!
ARMSTRONG: Shut up, the both of you.

ARMSTRONG: Collins! I recall putting you in charge of the rental car.
COLLINS: Yup. It’s a beaut!
ALDRIN: Is that-?
COLLINS: Yup. A woody!

ARMSTRONG: From the earth to the moon and back and you book us a ‘62 Country Squire to get home in?
COLLINS: Dibs on the Way Back!

(in car)
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN: Just sayin' you flubbed your line is all.
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:”Man” and “mankind.” They’re the same thing.
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN: Now, “one small step for *a* man-“
ARMSTRONG: Shut it, Aldrin!
COLLINS: I think he’s mad, Buzz.

ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
ARMSTRONG: Wait
ALDRIN:
ARMSTRONG: Which one of you has the keys to the command module?
ALDRIN: I thought-
COLLINS: It was locked when I left-
ARMSTRONG: Are you telling me the keys are locked inside the command module.
ALDRIN:
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG: Damnit.

ARMSTRONG: *on pay phone* Deke, it’s Neil.
SLAYTON: Neil????
ARMSTRONG: Neil Armstrong. You know, first man to walk on the moon.
SLAYTON: Right, right. Where are you?
ARMSTRONG: We’re at a payphone outside of a Howard Johnson’s.
SLAYTON: What’s the problem?

ARMSTRONG: Do you have a spare key for the command module?
SLAYTON: You can’t possibly be serious. Millions of dollars of equipment-
COLLINS: Neil! Neil, we found it! It was in Buzz’s wallet!

ARMSTRONG: Let’s bed down here for the night.
COLLINS: Restaurant first, I want ice cream! *Runs off*
ALDRIN: Where are we?
ARMSTRONG: A Howard Johnson’s. Beyond that, I have no idea.
COLLINS: *Returns, with ice cream* Guys, I got us a room!
ARMSTRONG & ALDRIN: *A* room?

COLLINS: Sorry, Buzz. Borrowed your wallet. There’s a continental breakfast in the morning!
ARMSTRONG: Better have oatmeal.
COLLINS I didn’t ask. There’ll be extra towels, though.
ARMSTRONG: I’ll gut you like a fish if our room is next to the ice maker.
COLLINS: Be right back!

(Our 3 heroes are stacked head-to-toe across a double bed in a hotel room)
ARMSTRONG:
COLLINS: Better or worse than the command module?
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN: Worse.
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG: Smells like a mortuary in here.
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: Yeah, I miss the New Car Smell of space. ‘Night!

ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: Do you dream of the moon?
ARMSTRONG: Shut up.
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: At all?
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG: Just shut up.
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: Okay.
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: At all?
ARMSTRONG: Shut up, now.

COLLINS: We're sharing a bed.
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN: Yeah.
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN:
COLLINS: It's kinda like space, you know?
ARMSTRONG:
ALDRIN: hmnm
COLLINS:
ARMSTRONG: You two don't shut up I'll keelhaul the damn both of yeh.
ALDRIN: Hehe
ARMSTRONG: SHUT UP AIR FORCE BOY!

/fin