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I basically never hear actual lesbians use the term “gold star” in a serious way. But, if someone I was into told me they only considered “gold star” lesbians as partners, I’d respect their feelings, appreciate their honesty, and know that wasn’t the right woman for me.
Debates over the conditions under which a lesbian may exclude someone from her dating pool without becoming a Bad Woman are frankly disgusting. If that person, for ANY reason, isn’t what her heart desires, THAT IS REASON ENOUGH.
Women aren’t resources. They aren’t obligated to distribute their attention “fairly.” They’re sentient human beings, and they should be thinking about ONE thing when they’re considering a romantic or sexual partner — whether or not they want that person in their life.
And anyone who respects women wouldn’t want a relationship or encounter with her that was driven by anything other than authentic desire and love. Her reluctance or ambivalence should make that sound not fun. Joyous, unfiltered choice should be a prerequisite for your interest.
In my experience, women do not try to talk other women into sex or relationships they don’t want. They don’t count bases, keep score. I have found in women a mutuality that isn’t a given when it comes to women and men.
When trans “women” go on about how bad we are for not including them in our dating pool, they don’t sound like women, and they don’t make me less wary of their presence in lesbian spaces. They sound exactly like men who are frustrated, impatient, entitled.
It was never the physical part that made me question the “trans women are women” mantra. It was the fact that they’d talk about lesbians with hatred, suggest rape and violence, pressure and manipulate individuals and groups to relax their boundaries. A little more, a little more.
They demand that we substitute our reality with theirs: After all, what’s a gender identity if it isn’t another person’s reality? Rather than defining our orientation according to OUR experience of a person, we’re to calibrate it according to THEIR experience, their reality.
How can anyone not see the absurdity in that? That we’re essentially supposed to ask someone whether or not we’re potentially attracted to them, and THEN proceed? How can anyone not see how dehumanizing and abusive it is to ask that of women?
And demanding that we discard the constant, measurable reality of male and female because it conflicts with THEIR chosen reality? I do not bow that low for anyone. The sky is blue, the emperor’s naked, and human beings are a sexually dimorphic species. And you all know it, too.
I know that you know it, because it’s the most obvious of things from a scientific to a social and political level. You know, but you’ll still bow down and forgo your reality under the right kind of pressure, the right threat. You’ll do it because you don’t want to be mean.
I don’t want to be mean, either. And, you know what? The people pushing this agenda know it. They know that, in 2019, the threat of being seen as backward and uncompassionate is more potent than one of violence. But it’s not unkind to hold to the truth. Not ever.
I’m not saying that men are male and women are female because I want to be mean. I’m saying it because it’s true. Same for lesbians being female and being attracted to women. Not mean, not an insult or exclusion — just a definition. Just the truth.
Anyone who manipulates and isolates and bullies you into saying things you don’t believe, into compromising your boundaries, your personal truth — THAT is the mean one, the abuser. And I don’t accept the coercive control of abusive, entitled men.
It’s not hate. It’s just the truth. And it you’ll hand it over so readily, just to stay in the “nice person” club? Then you don’t actually have a personal compass, a reality of your own to stand in. And that’s a goddamn shame, because we are all allowed that, even us lesbians.
