Thread by @vandroidhelsing

In honor of #LeftHandersDay, 1 like = 1 fact about lefthanders

1. At one point or another in our sleep, lefthanders have all spoken one of the secret names of God

2. Every lefthander is capable of one minor miracle, but most of us have wasted it without realizing. I, for instance, once knew a hamster was in a box despite the absence of all other evidence. My father used his getting a wad of paper into a wastebasket from 20 feet away.

3. Lefthanders are thought to have arisen in ancient Uruk as an alternative to boredom

4. Lefthanders are genetically susceptible to owl plague, Sicilian flop, and what the Victorians used to call “housemaid’s toe” (the blunter Edwardians switched to calling it “anarchy”)

5. Lefthanders are the best at: baseball, art, making sauerkraut, stirring cauldrons, hurting feelings, and the more exotic forms of incarnation

6. No lefthander has ever been devoured by more than three Persian cats on a Sunday. In June.

7. The majority of lefthanders have to take at least three seconds to remember the words “pimple”, “transubstantiation”, and “grief”

8. Any man born during a lunar eclipse is lefthanded

9. Lefthanders have historically formed the majority of the following professions: artist, alchemist, cat, stuntbeing, abomination unto the Lord, writer, head chef at Delmonico's, homosexually tinged detective, and cowboy.

10. No lefthander was born knowing the word "carp"

11. Due to a typo in the constitution, it was illegal to be lefthanded in Washington State until 1985, at which point it was decriminalized.

12. Research indicates that 90% of all cryptid sightings are just various sorts of lefthanders. The other 10% are real.

13. In 1893 Eleanor Posset-Munch developed the standard classification system for lefthanders. She divided them into six categories:
1: Common
2: Keralan
3: North American Red-Spotted
4: West Nile
5: Splendid
6: Gay
A seventh type, Arctic, is theorized but unproven

14. Being lefthanded automatically guarantees you 100 frequent flyer miles on participating airlines.

15. Several US presidents have been lefthanded, but don't worry, most of us are decent people.

16. Contrary to popular belief, lefthanders are not capable of hexes, curses, jinxes, or other harmful magic, at least not during months with an R.

17. According to ancient covenants, lefthanders cannot be intentionally harmed while standing atop a barrow, nor can their children be taken.

18. Every lefthander has heard a Gilbert & Sullivan song, either from a production of the operas, or pieced together word by word while walking down the street like a clever montage

19. Following a misunderstanding on the part of Benedict XVI, Niles Crane was canonized as the patron saint of lefthanders.

20. Lefthanders are incapable of perceiving more than 98% of the nuances in any Beaujolais produced between the years 1997-1999.

21. Old British nicknames for lefthanders include: pie-thumb, catboy, cupboard-cleaner, devil's fiddlebow, pear-paw, elf's leavings, person who could find butter with their eyes closed, and a right old bonnet

22. The majority of lefthanders are stable at room temperature.

23. Lefthanders form Bose-Einstein condensates more readily than other forms of matter, but find it difficult to maintain a plasma state for any length of time.

24. In 1956 it was discovered that lefthanders are not, in fact, immune to the screams of a mandrake.

25. The word “sinister” comes from the Latin word for “oh my gods look at this guy trying to write without smudging”

26. Dante placed lefthanders in the sixth circle of hell, with vultures stuffed in their mouths & the vultures’ beaks eternally gnawing the offending hand. Asked in an interview why this was, Dante famously said “lefthanders? No thanks” (it’s more insulting in medieval Italian)

27. Lefthanders are statistically better at playing the stock market but this comes at the price of decreased interdimensional mobility after death.

28. Lefthanders are twice as likely to see their own doppelgänger and four times as likely to attempt sexual intercourse with it.

29. Scientific studies show that lefthanders have an increased capacity to appreciate the films of Ann Miller

30. Most traditional holiday desserts were invented by lefthanders, such as mince pie, mooncakes, hamantashen, and others. However, contrary to popular belief, they did not invent fruitcake.

31. 95% of Neolithic society was lefthanded, a fact only discovered after installing corrective software on the Hubble Necromantic Telescope

32. Technically, Mount Everest is lefthanded.

33. Most amino acids are lefthanded, though scientists differ on whether this means all of terrestrial life is deep-dyed in evil, or just mischief.

34. Lefthanders are not visible in silvered mirrors, leading many to confuse them with vampires. However, as Rosalind Franklin proved in 1957, there is no correlation between lefthandedness and vampirism

35. Jesus is lefthanded, which is why he sits at the right hand of the Father; otherwise, he'd bump his dad's arm while eating.

36. 98.5% of lefthanders regularly confuse left and right, which is why Jesus picked the wrong hand to sit at and the Father is too nice to say anything.

37. Every queen regnant of the United Kingdom has been lefthanded in private except Miranda the Erased and Elizabeth III, both of whom were radially symmetrical.

38. Ivan the Terrible was lefthanded, which was of no consolation to him or anyone else.

39. Edgar Cayce's visions specified that the majority of Atlanteans were lefthanded; however, as he also wrote that Atlantis's national meal was chicken divan when it was clearly tuna hot dish, he may be safely disregarded.

40. "Lefthanded embroidery" was Elizabethan slang for acts of lesbianism